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Original poster

What’s going on with my adult son.

18 replies

Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 01:38

He’s 24 - moved home last summer. Graduated 2 years ago and stayed in uni city after. Trying to establish a freelance creative career. He has his old school friends a pocket money job in a local pub and does loads of sport (solitary stuff - running / climbing). He doesn’t smoke, drink or do any drugs now. He is passive aggressive and hostile in the home. Doesn’t speak just a dark moody cloud - but chipper to his colleagues and friends. He makes his younger sisters walk on eggshells. He has this thing recently where when he is told to do something (reasonable house related) he descends into this whooping crying fit. I walk away as I see it as manipulative and he then rings his Dad at work screaming at him that I am mocking him and bullying him - which is not true - I will have said for instance do not use the jack and Jill shower at 2am use the main bathroom as it wakes your sister who has to go to school.

He screams that I am mocking his mental health by asking him to be considerate to others.

Is he being manipulative or is something deteriorating with him? Could he have something undiagnosed MH / ND that would cause this volatility and rage. My DD is scared of him physically although he has never been violent.

OP posts:
GulfCoastBeachGirl · 02/04/2023 02:17

The crying fits and angry outbursts are in no way normal. The fact that your daughter is frightened of him is very telling. You shouldn't have to live like this.

Your son needs professional help and it won't be at all useful for strangers on the internet to speculate on what might be wrong.

I'm sorry, I sympathize, I'm a mother to a young adult as well. Do whatever you can to encourage him to get help. Would he start with a visit to the GP? Is there a mental health helpline he can call? Can you and your husband sit down with him and calmly but firmly tell him that this behaviour can not continue and you are both willing to offer support while he seeks professional guidance?

Sorry you are having to cope with such a difficult situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 02:22

Tell him he either gets help immediately and controls his behaviour or he has to move out. Make it very clear that you will no longer tolerate his vile, disrespectful outbursts. Your daughters are scared of him, FFS. This is absolutely untenable.

Original poster
Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 10:28

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 02:22

Tell him he either gets help immediately and controls his behaviour or he has to move out. Make it very clear that you will no longer tolerate his vile, disrespectful outbursts. Your daughters are scared of him, FFS. This is absolutely untenable.

This is my gut but I am fearful of his outbursts and if this would lead to him taking his own life.

He self harmed as a teenager (repeatedly cut his thighs) which he only told me about and showed me recently. He had significant emotional issues when a GF left him and he had to resit exams and ‘didn’t want to live’ - we gave him loads and loads of gentle support and he had some therapy.

His behaviour was very challenging as a teenager at home and we rowed and clashed then. Our relationship was fine when he was living out - but his mood towards the family unit was hostile and volatile when he returned in the holidays.

He has a particular fixation on me and I have apologised for allowing the situation to escalate to become fractious when he was a teenager. I now don’t ever raise my voice with him but any simple request in a calm tone of voice sees him flip into this bizarre screaming state which I walk away from.

This recent (last 6 months since he has moved home) extreme screaming / crying is bizarre - I can’t work out if it’s a very significant symptom of an undiagnosed MH/ND issue or highly manipulative and abusive - so I don’t know if tough love would exacerbate the issue.

We have set him up for psychotherapy sessions as well as private assessment for ADHD but he is not taking these up.

Its causing huge distress in the family especially with my DDs. I don’t know who I am pandering to or protecting. The girls want him out - I am terrified he will take his own life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 10:34

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 02/04/2023 02:17

The crying fits and angry outbursts are in no way normal. The fact that your daughter is frightened of him is very telling. You shouldn't have to live like this.

Your son needs professional help and it won't be at all useful for strangers on the internet to speculate on what might be wrong.

I'm sorry, I sympathize, I'm a mother to a young adult as well. Do whatever you can to encourage him to get help. Would he start with a visit to the GP? Is there a mental health helpline he can call? Can you and your husband sit down with him and calmly but firmly tell him that this behaviour can not continue and you are both willing to offer support while he seeks professional guidance?

Sorry you are having to cope with such a difficult situation.

Can you and your husband sit down with him and calmly but firmly tell him that this behaviour can not continue and you are both willing to offer support while he seeks professional guidance?

Yes we have done this - but this is just another trigger point for him to flip out and rage at me. He’s impossible to engage with unless he’s pandered to.

OP posts:
MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 02/04/2023 22:06

Evening OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this with your son OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page in case there's something that might be helpful for you or your son.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Mental Health Webguide | Mumsnet

Mumsnet makes parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support on everything from conception to childbirth, from babies to teenagers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/04/2023 22:30

You just can't put up with him threatening suicide as a stick to beat you with. You just can't live like that. Do you live with his dad?

Original poster
Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 22:31

Yes we live together.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 22:34

He's using emotional terrorism to control you, you're pandering to him, and your decision to do so is making your daughters' home life a hell scape.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/04/2023 22:35

So if you do t give in to him, he threatens suicide. It’s very manipulative and abusive.

Unless he engages with help, he moves out.

Original poster
Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 22:36

Thank you this is my opinion. His Dad thinks otherwise. It’s tearing the family apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 22:37

We have lost another family member to suicide in the last 2 years (BIL)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 22:39

We are terrorised by it. I don’t want to miss something.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 02/04/2023 22:40

You must feel so sad op. I personally would approach him after his outburst. You can't be prisoners to his threats. Easier said than done though.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/04/2023 22:41

Is there any way that you can separate albeit temporarily and you live with your girls and he lives with his dad?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 22:45

Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 22:36

Thank you this is my opinion. His Dad thinks otherwise. It’s tearing the family apart.

Tell your husband he can move out and live with your son. You need to protect your daughters. Someone has to look out for them.

MumOf2workOptions · 02/04/2023 22:53

Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 22:39

We are terrorised by it. I don’t want to miss something.

I'm so sorry to read this

Get a GP appointment tomorrow get on the phone/ askmygp
Eva early for yourself and go and speak to them, you cannot carry on like this it's no good for anyone and it's affecting your whole family.
I hope you get some good advice to help you 💕

MumOf2workOptions · 02/04/2023 22:54

You must also think of your daughter this is horrendous for her she must be terrified. You have to make things safe for her.

Ishouldbeoutside · 02/04/2023 22:58

I’ve sent you a PM OP.

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