Burnout and lost sense of of self - HELP

[NameJustChangedForThisPost]

Name changed for this, as this post along with a couple of other life related posts I have made on Mumsnet would add up to be very outing to friends I know are on here.

So I am going through burn out. I am off work at the moment, with the focus being on recovery. I had been warned that recovery takes longer but it has still taken me by surprise how exhausted I still am.

One thing that has hit me as my body and mind start slowly to recover is how lost I feel overall, as if I don't really have a clue who I am anymore. I sort of feel like a shell of my former self, likely due to overworking for so long.

Has anyone gone through feeling like this? Do you have any tips as to how I can go about recovering "me"? And I guess more broadly, how long have you taken to recover from burnout?

Thanks!

Just getting some fresh air everyday a walk start short and build up to an hour a day. What are you interested in start small like a drawing/ colouring / sewing/ knitting /reading / gardening ~ find a tiny seed of something that brings you joy and invest some time in it. Rebuilding the balance when it’s been lost does take time. Everyone is different in the time it takes and the other demands you may be juggling on your time.

https://www.mind.org.uk/workplace/mental-health-at-work/taking-care-of-your-mental-health-at-work/five-ways-to-wellbeing/

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It happened to me 6 years ago and has just happened to my husband in the last few weeks.

I had to give up my career and the thought of going back and doing what I used to do makes me cry. I can't even speak out loud about it. So my first piece of advice to you would be to get some professional support - counselling for the strong feelings you are having. They're all part of the response to the stress and I do believe you can be helped to process these - you're dissociating right now which is a protection but other feelings are likely to come along - I felt deep shame and guilt. I didn't get counselling and now the fear of talking about it stops me - I think it would have been doable if I done this straight away.

I look at my husband right now - he can't rest. He's jittery and hard on himself for not getting stuff done (He just means domestic stuff right now). I'm trying to get him to rest so that's the second piece of advice to you - really do rest. That exhaustion is real.

And thirdly, as a PP has said some physical exercise outside of the rest periods is good. A walk, a swim, some stretching (yoga if that's your thing).

Take care x

Cold swimming -hence my name, has really helped me to avoid burn out recently, and it’s interesting that it’s mostly women down there in our 40-60s using it to bring joy even when it’s frigging cold, the ability to learn to control that fight or flight response in just 3-4mins of cold water is really positive

@WinterMermaid987 I'm tempted to try this myself. I've been through some massive life changes and I just feel very lost just like OP has said. 😵‍💫 I live by the sea so this is most definitely an option! Thanks for the tip.

I second counselling, as well as giving yourself permission to rest and not feel you HAVE to do anything right now. For me, a few sessions of counselling really helped as she helped me reframe my perspective - that I wasn’t weak for burning out, but actually very strong to have successfully navigated a toxic work environment for so long. Be kind to yourself and give it time.

I do t know, I'm a couple years in and am still totally exhausted, i reduced all demands as far as I can and am still drained and now broke as well which doesn't help

Yin yoga
Good food
Stay away from negativity and vampires
Weighted blanket to sleep better

There's a really tricky balance when recovering from burnout. If you think you feel good, DON'T start doing everything you've been too exhausted to do.

I would recommend reading how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It will help you figure out how you want your life to be and why, help you prioritize, plan and make good goals to make you feel happier with life.

@rockingbird give it a try it, cold water swimming gets addictive. I’ve introduced a few friends to it and they have all slowly got hooked. But be warned the sea is at its coldest point now after dropping temp all winter. It very slowly starts warming hopefully from now on, but April was our worst month last year as we had cold air temperatures. Booties, gloves, tow float and a hat are must haves, anything as you need it. Enjoy 😊 look up “blue tits” swimming.

Thanks everyone for the replies!

Definitely still struggling with the exhaustion aspect - I spent a while sleeping a lot but am very much still exhausted and have started getting insomnia (hence the current time for example)….

Socializing a little with people I used to see a lot before this job has very much highlighted how much there seems to be nothing of “me” at the moment 🙁

But noted - more rest, exercise, good food and patience perhaps should get me there. For therapy, I will be seeing someone too and hopefully that will help!

@CLEO42 can I ask, did you try going back to your job? I’m really going to go back to mine but also not too sure if it’s a good idea as I can’t foresee anything changing….

Did I try going back to my job? No. I couldn't. There were no options for things to have been any different there. I had been flying in my career of 22 years at that point and I had to cast it aside: my experience, my ambition, my success, (my pension, aarghhh!)

Last year I started working again but in a different sector, for a quarter of my former salary, and part-time. I'm only just now thinking that maybe I could look at a senior role somewhere, and given my husband's situation, it's probably time to do this - so he has options. He wants to go back but to a different department and we're hoping that his work can accommodate that.

Do you have good Occupational Health support? A decent manager ? A union rep? A supportive GP? What do they see as possible for you?

Yes
My last job made me feel like this. I had nothing left to give in any area of life

*Did I try going back to my job? No. I couldn't. There were no options for things to have been any different there. I had been flying in my career of 22 years at that point and I had to cast it aside: my experience, my ambition, my success, (my pension, aarghhh!)

Last year I started working again but in a different sector, for a quarter of my former salary, and part-time. I'm only just now thinking that maybe I could look at a senior role*

This is exactly what happened to me. I feel deep shame and I am about to start a new career on 1/4 of my salary. Also terrified what’s happened to my pension (aged 56 now)…..but your ahead of so given me hope that I will survive this new phase and even progress up the ranks.

I wonder if menopause and undiagnosed ADHD were at the root of my issues.

I was just coming back to mention menopause to the OP, @Ooonafoo . I'm 53 now and back during the breakdown months I was perimenopausal and starting HRT definitely helped me reconnect to myself - but it wasn't a cure all.

Menopause and ADHD are certainly things to consider but fwiw I believe that burn out is real on it's own, work can be stressful and toxic workplaces can be traumatic and psychologically damaging. What I mean is : it's not you. You (we) don't carry the responsibility for the burnt out.

@Ooonafoo the other thing I have done recently that has really helped has been taking up a trustee role with a charity. It's meant that I could reawaken my skills at board level without the operational responsibility and to see that I still have a lot to offer.

Aw I'm sorry you have been through that @CLEO42 , @Ooonafoo, that sounds really really tough. But you can be proud you "survived" for a very long time in those roles! And yes I'm sure you still have loads to offer!

At my end yes, there is decent support around (eg. occupational health). The focus at the moment is definitely on recovery. I would like to go back as I do like my job in itself, the issue for me has been more with the environment (I'd describe it as both high-pressured but also chaotic). I definitely can't go back to exactly the same thing though, so let's see.

It's funny you mention ADHD... It had never been something anyone thought I had/I thought I had until it came up in a medical appointment recently and it turns out (I have an assessment soon for confirmation) it's likely I have it... In hindsight it would explain a lot in my life...

@CLEO42 Charity work definitely sounds interesting, and I'm guessing fulfilling too?

The past two days have been better, giving myself space to rest, do things that I really really want to do rather than things that I feel I should do, and connect with friends.

Today seems to be a down day again. I logged on to my work systems to do some personal admin. Inevitably I saw some of my work emails and it made me just feel… empty and utterly useless. As if I’ve let everyone and myself down. Going to kick myself to get outside for a bit and use the good weather as a distraction... And try to see the positives!

@NameJustChangedForThisPost you haven't let anyone down you know. That's just the Burn Out talking.
I hope you managed to get outside and enjoy the sunshine today and are feeling a bit better now

Oh, and Step Away From The Work Computer!

Burn out is exhausting, I am so sorry!
I have around 9 people on my books at the moment going through the same thing.
If you’re focusing on recovery at the moment, my advice would be to look into hypnotherapy.
If you have any questions, please let me know and I’ll do my best to get back to you.