Just not coping

[Lankyboxmum]

honestly don’t know if there’s a point in posting but there’s no one in real life to vent to.

I feel like I’m breaking down and I can’t get back up. I have 5 kids - 3 autistic.

my oldest daughter is 9 and going through a hard time. She just walks around the house swearing, aggressive, throws, scratches, hits. Tells me to f* off and kill myself, she hates me. She’s on the mental health pathway because she has suicidal ideation but that’s a long waiting list. This has a knock on effect on my other kids when they’re in the way. We can’t go out during the holidays and I’m not sure how I’m going to manage tbh. My younger daughter has bowel problems and is developmentally delayed. She needs a lot of help to do things.

I’ve suffered anxiety my whole life, although probably autistic myself. I’m just really struggling now. I feel like running away. I’m married but my partner works long shifts so I’m by myself a lot. There’s no one to watch the kids to give me time to gather my thoughts. I’m totally burnt out and scared because I don’t know what to do.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I'm probably not the best person to offer advice, as I'm not in a good place myself (mostly due to sad family circumstances, PTSD and severe depression), but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone - even though it feels that way.

I appreciate how hard it is to reach out for support. I'm a single mum, (two of my four children are severely disabled), so can really empathise with how alone you feel.
It took me ages to build up the courage to speak to my GP.
I'm now on the waiting list for CBT which I really hope will help me in some way.

It is so hard to take care of yourself when there is so much going on with your children, but you have to remember that you are important too. You are the most important person in their life, and you are very much worthy of support yourself.
Someone once said to me, "You need to look after your children's mum too", and that rings so true.

If you can set aside any time at all for yourself try to do something just for you.
I know it's hard.
For me it helps just to listen to music when the children have gone to bed. It helps me to cry and release all that pent up emotion.

Sorry I haven't been much help, but hopefully someone will be along soon with some advice for you. I just wanted to offer a virtual hand hold.

I really hope things start to get better for you soon.

It seems like you have lots of really difficult things going on and could do with more support. Do you have any family/friends who you could confide in and who might be able to help? It sounds like you and your partner need to work out a way where you can get some time for yourself.

Or speak to your GP to see if they can help you access support?

Hope you can get something as it seems like it is real life events that are impacting on you.

Hi Lankyboxmum
Just wanted to send you a hug and a message of support
One thing you must keep in mind is that you have a lot on your plate and the fact you are there and doing a sterling job- good god - give yourself some credit and any but of space you can.
Are there any friends or family you can get some help with just to have some peace for a little while?
Does taking them on walks outside help to quieten the behaviour?
If you have sight of the kids and they are safe could you put some of those ear pieces in that cancel out background noises?
I think theres a lot to be said for how well you are coping- you just need a break regularly and before you start to really feel the pressure. What about accessing childcare funds from the govt for out of school classes?

Don't forget that contrary to what some might say, child rearing was never left solely to one parent; it takes a village to raise a child 💐