Mistake- sorry

[Chipsandcheese123]

Posted about self harm- thread deleted before I saw replies because of detail - sorry. First time I've done it and just wanted advice sorry.x

Are you ok?

All over the place really. Did it once more. It made everything stop and calm, including the crippling guilt and self hatred I'm struggling with. I'm having counselling partly because I shouldn't feel guilty anyway apparently. I have stopped myself a few times in the last week. Trying to find alternatives that help in the same way. I know it's stupid.

It’s not stupid. I’m so sorry you feel this way. Have you got friends or family you can talk to? Why do you feel so guilty? X

I have some friends I have been talking to on the phone. And a counsellor. They say I shouldn't be feeling guilty/ bad about things. That there's gaslighting, minimising etc going on. And I agree if I think rationally - but my emotions don't match up and I don't quite believe it to be intentional.

I'm all over the place and massively affected by what particular people say( mostly ex)- I can't avoid that interaction. Am trying to write things down so when I feel I'm unreasonable I can read through. It's so difficult to see unless someone else literally walks me through it and points out the contradictions between words and actions, different conversations etc.

Then I feel stupid for not realising. But when it's happening I feel awful for questioning intentions/ truth.