I'm 22, my daughter is 3 in a few months. I fought for months over last year as (long long story short) she came back to my care after being in foster care after being found that her father was on drugs. (I had fled his abuse as he reassured me that he could care for her better than I could). I knew my mistake and I fought for over a year to get her back. I now have a house with a lovely garden (in a bit of a dodgy area but better than nothing.) I work when I can, and she's in nursery during the week for 2 hours a day.
I feel so grateful for my situation, I know how lucky I am. If I'd stayed with her father Im pretty sure I wouldn't be alive. I met someone new who is everything I could ask for and makes me feel so grateful to be alive and makes me feel so loved. We don't live together, however hoping he can move in during the summer as his tenancy is over.
but every now and then, especially this week, I miss my old self. I feel like less than a year ago I was so happy, I was working for my daughter and everything I did was for her. I saved so much money, which has gone now due to joint debt with my ex that I wasn't made aware of. I made a lot of new friends over the past year who were so supportive of me and now they ignore my messages and do everything without me. I was very outgoing, and I'd gotten over almost all my anxieties and felt like I was getting better and recovering from my abuse.
I feel like a human shell at the moment. Days with my daughter are so so long. Playgroup is a godsend but Easter holidays are coming up and have no idea how Im going to cope. I don't drive, I live in an area where buses are the only way around and they've just put ticket prices up! She wakes up at about 7 and bedtime is 7.30-8ish. she doesn't nap. Her development is that of a 4 year old which I'm so proud of but my GOD it's exhausting. She doesn't stop.
Her foster carer had a big family, 3 kids and my daughter. She always had someone to play with, always attention etc. They took her to do so much, she did football, gymnastics, private nursery and toddler groups. They lived in a wealthy area and pretty much everything they could need and want.
My family are flaky. My mum will only see my daughter when I'm around as, quote, "she's not a babysitter" which I find so ridiculous and not fair at all. My mum was very supportive through the process of dealing with social services over the period I was working to be reunified with my daughter, but her new partner seems to have a very large influence on her opinion on things...
I find it hard to make friends. Im alternative, stupid colour hair and I like angry music and piercings. Everyone said I'd make friends with the other parents at playgroup but theyre all a lot older than me or quite literally the polar opposite of me, and I feel like they just stare at me every drop off time. I've had a few nice conversations but it always feels very very forced and fake. Usually jokes about how my hair changes colour too much or how I have an 'interesting' look. Honestly wearing funky clothes and changing my hair every now and then is the last thing keeping me feeling like myself. But I'm really losing motivation...
She doesn't see her father anymore. He stopped turning up to his contact sessions last year, and he's been given multiple opportunities to start up contact again but keeps not turning up.
She also sees her paternal grandparents on Sundays.
This is just a rant honestly. My life feels very empty. It's much easier when my partner is around, he's such a huge supporter and my daughter loves him to bits, but he works 40hours a week and I live an hour's bus away from him. I find being alone so difficult. Being left alone with a brain that goes 1000mph it's so hard to be productive, I feel like I spend most of my days in a haze, just waiting until bedtime so I can doom scroll on my phone and fall asleep at 9pm.
I have no energy, I feel like I have so much weight on my shoulders and it never goes away. I'm losing my appetite (which isn't like me at all) and I just want to feel like a person again.
Does this empty feeling go away at any point?