Was honest but feel awful about it

[reallyagainagain]

Earlier this week I let someone know how I honestly feel about something. I tried to do it in a calm and neutral way using 'I' words and so on; tried not to over-explain or to over-apologise.

(For context - and not one bit proud of this - I've spent a lot of my life playing it safe by subjugating myself/my feelings etc. I'm the sort who has tried to avoid conflict and have just gone along with things thinking others' decisions/choices were better or more valid. I feel shame and guilt easily and in the past, have felt overly responsible for others' feelings. At times I have felt anxious - often related to my interactions with other people - and sometimes depressed.)

As a consequence of having let this person know how I feel, my own thoughts have literally unravelled and I seem to have turned on myself and am questioning/invalidating my motive for saying something to this person. I feel overwhelming shame, guilt and regret over what I did. I've been ruminating to the point of insomnia that my speaking up will have caused this person emotional pain and upset.

I should have just kept quiet as this incident will undoubtedly change how this person sees me. I thought I was doing/saying 'what was right for me' but what's happened is I just feel deeply and utterly dreadful and full of angst and sadness.

It's difficult to comment without knowing the context of the conversation/situation but you haven't mentioned how the person you spoke to reacted?

@Eyesopenwideawake Thank you for responding. I'm sorry for the drip-feed. I realise I should've made things clearer.

This is the situation:

I was talking to someone who's staying with me as a paying guest about the fact that I felt uncomfortable with her having overnight guests as I'm uneasy with a male stranger in the house.

She did let me know in advance by text on some of the occasions that 'her friend would be staying over' and I said thank you for letting me know.

I now know that I could have avoided this whole thing if I'd have properly discussed and set some boundaries but I stupidly didn't. I apologised to her about this and told her that I didn't know that I was going to feel uneasy and that we should have had a written agreement from the start.

That's a very good example right there of how I:

a)'just go along with things' and am unclear about boundaries/unclear about many things

and

b) avoid discussing anything potentially difficult

and

c) realise the best course of action after the fact

She initially seemed okay but after a few minutes she really started to sob. She was very upset. I feel really, really bad about this.

I thought that I was speaking up in a considered way and thought really hard about how to say what I wanted to say. From this side of it though, I feel like I've created a horrid mess that has resulted in not only me upsetting someone deeply but also a painful and destructive internal dialogue with myself about what a bad person I am.

OK. So first off your request was NOT unreasonable in any way. Her reaction was, on the face of it, excessive (but again it's impossible to know why she behaved like that and, frankly, that's not your problem).

From the way you talk about yourself your self esteem and self confidence seems to be on the floor. If you want to understand why, and start to work on it, this article is a good read;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

@Eyesopenwideawake Thanks again for your reply. And thank you for the link.

No worries - happy to help 😊

ReallyAgainAgain, you aren't responsible for her feelings. You have demonstrated good communication and good boundaries.

It's ok for her to be upset- people get upset when things change. She clearly likes where she lives and doesn't want to move AND she wants her boyfriend to stay over, so she's upset. That's fine.

She may be in her room feeling awful that she assumed you were ok with it. She may be feeling sad about needing to make some changes- like staying at his house for example.

Or she may be sticking pins in a doll because she's irritated. All those things are fine.

It's ok to feel uncomfortable emotions, for her and for you.

It really is ok!

OP.

You were right to say what you said.

To the list of possibilities above I add that: she may have sobbed in order to manipulate you into backtracking.

Did she tell you before she booked or after that she would have overnight guests? If before, then she may be upset that she's paid for accommodation that's now not fit for purpose - you had opportunity to say no then, although it was still a bit cheeky to tell rather than ask. If after, then she's a cheeky mare and has only herself to blame

picklemewalnuts It's a great help to read that - thank you.

You laid down a boundary. When you are used to always letting everyone else have what they want and never putting yourself first, the first time you put down a boundary feels awful! And people often react very badly because they’re so used to getting what they want. You did a good thing. This a new muscle you’re flexing. Practice and it will get stronger.

Good for you. Practice saying no. The more you do it the easier it will become. People are shocked when you first start setting boundaries because they don't expect it.

Can you clarify further, is it random blokes or it is her partner? What do you mean paying guest. Is she a lodger?