Self sabotage- how to avoid

[Marmitemyway]

I suffer with general anxiety and OCD (in my case the fear of harming someone unintentionally) which I try to deal with by exercise looking after myself understanding and using cbt but every time I have something to look forward like on this occasion an upcoming holiday with my kids before they go off travelling I try to find problems. Specifically my problem is being concerned I have contracted covid even though there aren’t really any symptoms - I suddenly start to think every niggle - is it. I know it’s self sabotage If I was normal I would just carry on but I’m catastrophising but thinking if I test I’ll feel better if it’s negative but if I test snd it’s randomly positive (because you can be symptom free) I will ruin our holiday and my kids won’t be able to go off and start their gap year. No one I know is randomly testing ! It’s a vicious circle because I’m know I’m being irrational but the compulsion to keep testing to give me peace of mind is exhausting and driving me mad. I wake up every morning now doing a body check - a bit of fatigue and I fear the worse. It’s exhausting as I’m in high alert all the time which is tiring me out if nothing else ! But it’s putting me off booking holidays and nice things because I will get like this ahead of any nice event I’m looking forward to
my DH is always busy and doesn’t ever think about these things, and has little patience for constant reassurance understandably ! Anyone else feel like this ? How do I avoid the compulsion and chill !!

Anxiety is the emotion that tells the conscious mind that something is too important to ignore - it's why we study for exams or make sure the key is in our pocket just before we slam the front door. Because you are worrying about Covid your mind is producing all sorts of scenarios which then tells your body to go into the fight or flight response - your body has no way of knowing whether a threat is real or imagined.

So - and I'm surmising here - you are subconsciously worried about your children travelling. Therefore your mind thinks "Aha, we can avoid this problem by not going on holiday. If there's a legitimate reason (i.e. Covid) we can keep them safe at home. Let's ramp up the physical twinges and mental torment as that will help." You aren't rationally aware of this 'plan', you're just experiencing the process and it's not nice.

Your mind isn't trying to hurt you or ruin the children's trip - it's trying to avoid future problems that it thinks you might not be able to cope with; the purpose of the subconscious is to keep you safe and happy and it will do whatever is necessary to achieve that aim.

Have a look at this video on anxiety; it explains how, by listening to what your subconscious is trying to tell you, you can decide rationally if your thoughts and feelings are valid.

@Eyesopenwideawake that is a very interesting Ted talk, but I don’t understand why it’s always when there’s something nice upcoming that I get like this ! It’s like I’m trying to be a kill joy !

Because while your conscious, logical mind knows it's nice there's part of your subconscious - which formed it's opinions and beliefs in early childhood, before your conscious developed - that thinks it's scary and best avoided. Maybe your mother was a worrier, or maybe you got a scare on holiday when you were little. It's not being a killjoy, it's trying to protect you!

my mum was a huge worrier and for me it’s got worse with menopause
but what’s so frustrating is that I’m not concerned about being Ill myself it’s the thought that I could be carrying a virus that could make other people unwell unintentionally and the compulsion of my ocd is to seek more and more reassurance in this case from testing amd asking DH and avoiding situations where I could be having a good time but in reality that gives you relief for like 2 hours before you question again and then ultimately you test and that one time and ruin what could be a good time for everyone
im so frustrated that most of the population have moved on from caring about testing and covid but for me it’s always at the back of my mind ready to ruin anything lovely experience but only when I have something to look forward to
eg I’m thinking of not going to a concert tomorrow because of crowds - I would normally not worry at all but because it’s close to my trip I fear I am putting myself at unnecessary risk but the people going with me are in my holiday group so why more risky for me ? It’s not it’s irrational and them this fight or flight does actually physically make you start to term unwell as your so exhausted by it / how can I escape it …

I work with people who have the same issues. In the vast majority of cases it’s solved within 3 sessions because the subconscious isn’t aware that what it’s doing isn’t desirable, necessary or helpful. Once the mind understands that it will stop that pattern of thought.

@Eyesopenwideawake what kind of councillor would I be looking for - any links ?

https://www.thecontrolsystem.co.uk/find-a-practitioner

Happy to DM you my details if you wish.