Therapy / counselling - did it help?

[febbabies2023]

Exactly that

DS is 2.5 and DD is a month old

I'm struggling. In every aspect. I hate being a parent most of the time. I'm finding it boring and tedious and I feel trapped. I cry a lot.

The biggest problem is my anger. My partner describes it as me 'lashing out'
I just see red.

Some days I'm fine, other days I'm really not.

I'm tired, so mentally tired. I don't want to exist some days.

I feel like my kids hate me, my partner is resenting me, I'm incapable of being a good parent, I can't keep on top of the housework and general day to day shit

I'm losing my mind.

In my head, therapy is going to be someone just patronising me, or just getting me to 'talk about my feelings'

But I've never had it. So if you did, did it help?

I think it boils down to getting the right therapist. I had counselling in the past and the therapist was wonderful...just the right mix of compassion but toughness too and she really helped me deal with some things. She's since retired and I recently started with a new woman but it's not the same. I actually feel like she's watching the clock the whole time we're speaking. I'm going to move to someone else next week,

So yes, if you get the right therapist/chemistry, therapy can be really helpful.

I was in therapy for several years. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I understand myself so much better, what pushes my buttons and why, I'm much kinder to myself, and to other people as well. It was a difficult, painful process though, I won't lie. It's not just 'talking', you do a huge amount of work on yourself, and may end up having to face feelings, memories and experiences that you have kept buried for a long time

It sounds like parenthood is pushing some big painful buttons for you. You sound very sad, very angry and very stuck. None of that is a criticism - it's not an uncommon place to be in. Therapy will help you to work out what is going on for you. Time each week with an objective professional person who listens intently to you, and doesn't judge, will be invaluable.

Google BACP to find a psychotherapist in your area. Good luck x

Thank you for your replies

@Lottapianos you're completely right when you say I'm very angry, and stuck and that parenthood is pushing a lot of buttons.

All of them in fact. I cannot deal with the constant whining / tantrums from the toddler and the crying from the baby. The toddler needs constant attention or he gets angry and throws shit or hits me (I understand it's a huge change for him recently)

Did anyone do NHS therapy or is that useless and just go private?

Thanks

I had Post Natal Depression and the major symptom for me was I just couldn’t cope.

Giving birth and having a newborn plays havoc with your hormones. I was given Prozac and felt better within 2 weeks, I remember noticing that I wasn’t irritated by my partner as much.

I am now getting divorced and have been seeing a private therapist. She has helped me a lot, but if I’m honest I’m really using her to vent and unload. She validates my feelings.

Whatever it is that is the problem, just try anything that’s available. I often spent so long thinking about things, that I let weeks go by.

Best of luck and I hope you find your way.

'Did anyone do NHS therapy or is that useless and just go private?'

I would highly recommend going private if you can. Some therapists offer fees on a sliding scale based on your income. NHS therapy has ridiculous waiting times and you're unlikely to be offered anything but CBT. I would recommend psychodynamic psychotherapy - it's what I had, and focuses on understand the root of your feelings, rather than just dealing with the symptoms

Hi,

I had therapy but I specific issues that I needed to deal with and I found it extremely helpful and I'm now mentally in a better place. The NHS has long waiting lists unfortunately. Having small children is unbelievably hard work and is lonely .
Does your 2.5 year old go to a nursery or a pre school? I'm just wondering if you could have that option therefore only having one child to care for some of the week as it can ease the load.Its great for kids they spend the day doing activities and being with peers. X

I got referred to NHS but it wasn’t for me as basically they put me on an online course of CBT but without the back up of a person really (had someone check in every other week online) I didn’t find it beneficial. I have had one session of private counselling so far so going to see how it goes

@Champsandbubbles yes thankfully DS goes to nursery 3 days a week (he was with my MIL the other 2 days before I had the baby) he loves nursery and it's so good for him so we have kept him in and it does help. My worst days are definitely when I have them both, or the days before my partner goes to work as the dread kicks in

Thank you all, I'll have a look at some private therapists.

I suffered PND with my son too, so I shouldn't be surprised. I'll also speak to the GP and see if I can go back on the medication I was on before

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Hugs.

Like some others I had a negative experience with NHS MH services. Wait times incredibly long, and the person I was assigned to knew nothing about PND. I also have an apology letter from when I was subjected to weird abuse down the phone while trying to change an appointment - I have a feeling that wouldn't happen with a private counsellor! Overall I'd say my contact did more harm than good, and I'm sure that that isn't everyone's experience but it seems important to share honest experiences, especially if you're feeling vulnerable.

I did end up doing some private therapy and I don't think it was harmful but likewise I don't think it really helped that much because I think my issues were more to do with hormones and the immediate stress of overstimulation etc that comes with young kids. I already ruminate and talk to others quite a lot so it didn't feel like it added much. I guess it depends on whether you thinks these things are true for you or not? Some people obviously find it very helpful.

If I could go back, I'd probably spend the money on childcare, and if I had anything left after that I'd probably take out a cheap spa membership. I had a couple of spa days just floating in water and nipping in and out of the sauna while my kids were young and it felt deeply restorative.

If you are feeling angry a lot you might also get your thyroid checked. That was part of it for me.
If your issue is hormonal it will probably resolve over time without you actively having to "do" anything. That was a thought I found quite comforting the second time round.

Thanks all, it looks like private is the way to go.

I've had a look and I'm shocked at the cost (not sure what I expected) but thankfully in a position where we can afford it even when on mat leave. I hate to think how those who can't afford it cope when waiting for NHS help 🥺

@febbabies2023 it's worth trying the NHS. Every service I know prioritises pre/post natal services. The service I work in you would be offered an appt within a couple of weeks of us receiving your referral. Other therapy services within the trust also prioritise but not quite as quickly.

Prioritises patients, not services!

You might be in a position to work with a student psychodynamic psychotherapist, that would be cheaper.

So sorry to hear you are struggling OP. I'm a counsellor in private practice but as northernexposure has said I wouldn't discount the NHS route either as you will have some priority and CBT not necessarily unhelpful if the issues you are facing are largely circumstantial/'environmental' (it does sound like it could be PND ). If you do go the private route as others have said the main thing is to find someone you can click with. Most counsellors should offer a free introductory phone call and a reduced rate initial session so that you have a chance to try it out. Good luck!