How do I forgive and forget DM?

[HelptoLetGo]

I have always felt I'm an inconvenience to my DM from the moment I was born. She and DF (alcoholic abusive) separated when I was young. DM worked full time (7-7) so I hardly saw her.

It all culminated when I was sexually abused by my stepfather between the ages of 7 - 16. SF gradually became an alcoholic and I ended up telling DM a little of what was happening and she divorced him.

When DM told me they were getting married (I was 7) I told her I didn't like him. I was ignored and lots of other signs were ignored. Now I have such resentment towards her. She could have protected me, but the man in her life came first.

We have never spoken about what has happened. We speak twice a week on the phone but see each other maybe twice a year, pretending that everything is fine.

I want to go NC as every time I see her I become so angry at different things that happened in my childhood. How do I move past it and just accept her for who she is and not blame her for what happened?

Without a frank and open and adult conversation with her, it will be difficult to move forward. I would suggest that, before you do, you have independent counselling or therapy to work through what you what to achieve from your relationship (an apology/understanding/humility?) in the future. Going in angry will never work.

Bump

She wants me to visit, with the kids over the summer. I do t want to see her.

Now I feel guilty, that I'm an awful child for not wanting to see her.

She could come up, but her husband (new step dad) doesn't want to, so she wont.

Do you want to forgive and forget? Do you want to have a relationship with her? Do you want your children to have a relationship with her? And why?
To me it sounds like low or no contact is the way to go - a superficially friendly relationship without any depth.

Do you feel like you ought to forgive her in order to want to spend time with her?

Sod that. Put yourself first now. Treat yourself as that little girl deserved to be treated. Listen to your feelings.

Going NC may help some of your issues but it will not take away your resentment at how you have been treated. So whether or not you maintain contact with her I would suggest you work on yourself and your feelings. I am not suggesting in any way that your feelings are inappropriate or bad or wrong - they are what they are. But living with them does not sound like fun and things could improve for you. Therapy would help if that is an option.