Wasn't too sure where to post this so hopefully this is a good place!
I'm struggling so badly at the moment, mostly with health anxiety which in turn is making me very depressed.
I have 2 small DS's, one 5 and one just gone 9. Lost their dad (my ex, but closest friend, he was my rock) to suicide in December. Very unexpected, no history of MH issues. Just a strange text to me that got me worried, couldn't get hold of him, alerted the police right away who found him 2 hours later. I got the knock on the door a few hours after they called to say they were going to force entry to his house.
I have always had issues with health anxiety, however since his death, especially the last month or so it's been off the scale. I had a follow up smear on Wednesday of this week after having HPV + 3 years on the bounce, colposcopy and biopsies in June 22 with a diagnosis of CIN1, and discharge back to GP for a repeat smear in a years time, so I'm slightly early with it I suppose,
Since Friday (last week, when I booked the appointment) I have been completely overcome with extreme anxiety, I can't eat, sleeping an hour here and there in the night, I'm a mess, hygiene has took a dive, trying to keep the house good for the boys but that's it. I'm having either panic attacks or absolutely sobbing, I'm convinced repeat smear will reveal progression to something very sinister. It's the smear that's set this episode off but if it wasn't this, it would be something else, although most are short lived as not having to wait weeks for results.
I'm starting private therapy on Wednesday, not ideal because I'm skint but I absolutely can't carry on like this for the year wait list for local MH intervention (and that's with it sped up because I've suffered a 'trauma')
Saw my GP this morning, never seen her before but she was very kind. I have been on AD for a while so she has upped the dose, and also upped the dose of propranolol I'm on from 10mg 3 x a day to 40. I'm a little nervous about that so I'm going to do a few days building it up to 40 with the 10's, if that makes sense.
I'm not sure if the point of this thread really. Just maybe for a handhold, if anyone has experienced similar either with the smear or bereavement. I don't know. Sorry if this has been upsetting for anyone to read.
I know that I'll eventually get through it but at the minute it feels as though I'm wading through treacle. I'm absolutely exhausted with it all, and the boys are the only thing keeping me going at the moment. I'm not in any danger, especially after seeing the aftermath of what a suicide does to loved ones. I would rather suffer than shift that burden onto my kids and the people I love but it's just so so damn hard at the moment.
Thankyou and props to you if you've got this far!!