The NHS has broken me and I finally phoned in sick this week. It’s a long and tedious story of unreasonable workloads and inhumane conditions that are now the norm, and that I have been able to manage up until now. But one change too many in a short space of time and I am expected to just suck it up and do the workload of 2 full timers on part time hours because ‘everyone else is’. I can’t keep doing that and I can’t accept that I have to give shit care. There is more including attempts at bullying by senior management and I am furious about it, I have the guilt of dropping colleagues in it as they now have to pick up my work, I am pathetic for not being able to just accept it and get on with it like everyone else.
I don’t think I am depressed as such - the situation and conditions depress me but when I’m not there I’m not. But I’m knackered from not sleeping because I’m stressing about work and the constant changes make me anxious and panicky and I’m unhappy about that.
It’s kind of like it’s not me that needs fixing but the system. But the system is unfixable and I’m angry that I now do need something to fix me to make me cope with it.
The rational cure would be for me to just leave and do something that doesn’t break me but I am only qualified to do this thing and I love the job (as it should be) and don’t want to do anything else.And bills, mortgage, life mean I can’t just walk and work in a supermarket no matter how tempting that is.
I have a GP appointment today and self referred to local psychology but I have no idea what they’ll suggest.