Hi there, I'm new here. My name is Claire.
I'm in my mid forties and lost my father when I was 23. Then just last year, my mother died suddenly. This came just immediately after I was made redundant. I have also been dealing with my brothers addicition and one by one, my pets have died which has all compounded in me feeling very very depressed and at times, suicidal. I have tried nearly everything from CBT, to private counselling, to grief counselling....but do need ongoing support so I have joined a little open support group near to where I live. My friend (male) agreed to come along with me for support as I am very anxious taking about what has happened and how it makes me feel. I am very aware it is important not to 'hog' the groups attention and to give everyone their space to talk. I am also aware that my friend does have some anxiety of his own.
He is recently married (same sex partnership) to a lovely man. But since he married - he's only known the guy a year and had only met him once as he is from outside the country - he has been struggling with settling with someone else in his space. He has even at times mentioned he isn't ready for marriage and at one time thought of having the man deported. I know this, but what I wasn't ready for was what he did at the group.
I am happy for him to discuss his issues, but what happened was, he took over at least 30 mins of the group taking about his 'spiralling thoughts', and not once did I even get a chance to talk about why I was even there and it was the first night. I left without having spoken. The group only lasts 2 hours, and in between talks there are meditation elements, exercises and other people of course wanting to speak.
I try to be a good friend but I couldn't believe that it was my idea to attend and I didn't get the opportunity to talk about why I was there. I have suffered the loss of the two most important people in my life, I'm single, have little support as it is - whereas my friend is married, has all his family, a husband and a huge group of friends.
I am unable to go to the next session due to work, and my friend texted and all he said was 'that's a shame' and my first reaction was to think he's possibly pleased I'm not going because it gives him even more of a chance to talk about himself. He is also quite adept at 'picking up friends' (ie he will add people on fb nearly as soon as he meets them) and seems to have a great need to have as many people in his life as possible. He spent a lot of the time trying to inject humour as well (which is his style) but at the same time not everyone is in the mood under the circumstances many of us are in. His husband does not know he is attending the group either and I must admit I am very resentful and I'm ashamed to admit that. The majority of the people at the group have real problems - from struggling with bereavement, to people with families under addiction, to divorce - and he comes along and just talks about feeling a bit anxious because he isn't used to someone else living under his roof.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's the right environment for me and I can feel myself pulling away from him. I'm not very outspoken and I haven't heard from him since last week but part of me really wants to say 'I'm not going tonight because I didn't even get a chance to discuss ANY of my issues with my PARENTS DYING YOUNG because you talked the whole way through the group!!"
I'm not saying his issues aren't valid, I get they are and they are real to him but I'm just angry and I do feel a bit invisible that he hasn't even checked in to see if I'm ok.
Thank you for any advice,
Claire.