Willpower

[Jan13Blues]

Hi, looking at name, probably not posted for 10 years! A lot has happened in that time. I’m now in peri menopause, which has taken a lot of getting over my denial, but I’m not sure this is 100% due to that. I just can’t seem to get the important bits of life admin done. Need to review the bank accounts as potentially won’t be able to continue with this house if the mortgage goes up dramatically later this year as per in the media. Need to look into other sources of income which may not sort the problem but it all seems a bit grown up and part of me just wants it all to go away. If we can’t afford the mortgage, just sell up, but this will create 100 times more life admin, leaving a home I am extremely emotionally attached to, and we can’t agree on where we’d like to live as an alternative. Other examples include, need to start a more healthy way of eating (esp now we’re getting older), and I do try new recipes now and then but can’t seem to do a proper change in eating style. Started doing a skin cleansing routine about a year and a half ago- didn’t keep that up, either. I do feel guilty when it comes to self-care, but I need to get on top of these things. I was bought a bullet journal and it was nice during a short period of not working but ironically, once I started work again didn’t have time for that. And I used it more as an audit, not around ‘feelings’. I also put a monthly reminder in my phone to check the bank accounts. Haven’t done it. I know the ‘organisation methods/tips’ but just can’t seem to actually do it!!! Can anyone relate please? Any help appreciated.

I'm not sure if this is "help," but it sounds to me as though you not only have a lot of different problems, but a lot of different potential causes. There might be a hormonal issue, it might be an organizational issue, it might just be that you're being overwhelmed by modern life. It might not have to do with willpower at all - maybe it's more of a matter of prioritizing, or of finding some shortcuts (a skin routine shouldn't be that much of a problem), or of getting some moral support.

Maybe what you need to start with is another person to help you talk it out - a mother, a best friend, a counsellor? Are you married, and, if so, shouldn't some of those burdens be shared?

Willpower won't keep you going.
You only have so much of it & it's exhausting trying to force yourself to use willpower to do anything.
It runs out really fast & leaves you feeling like you can't do the thing unless you force yourself.

For me, I have to find the desire for what I really want to happen & use that desire to drag me forward, not try to use willpower to push myself forward.

e.g. If you really want to keep the house (desire), try to do one tiny thing (e.g. check the bank) towards seeing if it can/making it happen.

That gives you a win instead of expecting willpower to somehow get everything done which you can't succeed at as it's too much.
Not succeeding then makes you feel bad even though you got something done so you end up not even doing that bit.

I find trying to improve things 1% works for me best.
Even though I desire certain things, it's still hard to do the life admin around them, so I look at getting 1 teeny thing (my 1%) done & keep it up until that bit is a routine.
Once it's part of my routine, I sort of do it on autopilot.
Takes a while, but then it sticks & doesn't feel like I need to really make an effort to do it so I can keep it up.
(I do have to watch out for occasional backsliding, but on the whole it works)
Then I try to add another 1% & so on.

Might not work for you, but that is what works for me.

Hi, thank you to my nocturnal respondents! I think you’re both right on quite a few points. I think finding shortcuts would be good (I’m a bit of a perfectionist so this naturally feels like cheating, but I need to accept that this would help get the job done). And I think there are many causes - yes, overwhelm. And perfectionism, hedonism (would rather be watching tv, or eating something not healthy), laziness, lack of motivation (how would my life improve if I did this skincare routine/kept on top of the banking/gardening/declutter/ general admin - nothing dramatic will happen if I just leave it for now). So then I only have myself to blame and feel worse!

As regards talking it through- that’s why I came on here. My BF has it all together - I know that this isn’t always the case and she has her challenges in her life/family, and she would do a bit of that reverse thing. It was a phenomenon a while back for slim/beautiful celebs to be shown eating massive burgers claiming, oh yes, I’m just like everyone else. My friend eg has said recently she can’t afford xyz (like everyone else) but is on FB regularly breakfasting out, 2 hols per year, weekends away, etc. So I just feel she would (kindly - not in a show off way), say oh yes my house is a tip/I’m so disorganised when I can’t really believe that - or she may go the other way and say well if only you did this, you would fix the problem instantly. She did this often when my then teenage son was having massive behavioural problems and like so many people, who usually have very compliant children, think that there is a quick simple fix, because their lives are actually ok. Can’t talk this over with my mum - she has health issues at the moment plus she lives in another country. And I don’t want to be a burden, or a ‘project’ for anyone. Ultimately I have to get on top of this. I have to do the admin. Only I can cleanse my face! No one else is going to come round and do my finances!

With regard to my OH, he is very ‘can do’ and very on top of the diy, garden (our property is quite high maintenance), the daily dishes. However he does not do the banking (isn’t proficient at Excel), cleaning, washing, or cooking. And I don’t mind that. I’m on top of the washing, like to cook and choose the meals (actually do get fed up with the daily decision making in that but ultimately we eat what I want!), and don’t mind cleaning when I’m in the mood. He was supportive with the skin care thing but didn’t ask why I had stopped. Does he think I’m flaky and this is just one of my fads? I hate to think anyone thinks I’m faddy/can’t keep up a commitment.

Sorry, I’m going on and on and reallly I just have to get up and firstly do it, and then stick to it! X

Some of what you describe sounds rather like ADHD, especially the feeling of being totally overwhelmed and not able to get things done.

Being in peri-menopause is I'd imagine very relevant and you clearly have a lot on your plate, but having a look at some of the ADHD threads on Neurodiverse Mumsnetters and other MN boards may be of help. Apologies if you've already done that.

When I was going through menopause I found that my ability to juggle tasks and just get on with things became hugely compromised (brain fog and sheer fatigue). It's only now that I'm post-menopause that I've realised that menopause brought to the fore problems I'd actually had my whole life, but which previously I'd often been able to overcome with willpower, just forcing myself to push on through etc.

Reading up on neurodiversity recently has helped so much as I no longer feel that I'm constantly failing to accomplish anything. Of course the tasks still have to be done but it's taken away much of the circular self-critical thinking I was so prone to.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Hi, I am not sure I have any kind of ADHD per se, but am not in complete denial about this so will keep an open mind and definitely look into it. If only to differentiate the possibility from simple overwhelm or some other cause - could be peri menopause or some kind of mild depressive tendencies, or just modern life. I do feel modern life has impaired my ability to focus - reading the internet rather than eg a book, or the fact that lots of things now seem ‘dumbed down’ so you never need to really concentrate. The moment something becomes hard or boring I seem to reject it, but this is to my detriment. I can focus on things for long periods - usually diy/garden household tasks. But it’s just the getting started, and keeping to a routine that’s the issue. Ridiculous - I’m a grown woman. I should be able to set an hour or two aside for checking the bank or tidying one cupboard each month!

Thank you all for your very wise insights and caring responses xx

Since you wrote at such length, I feel obliged to add some additional thoughts:

1.See if you can step back from being a perfectionist, at least in your personal life. I think it will be likelier to make you unhappy rather than happy. If you're making something for dinner, do you really think that your family will lavish far greater praise and appreciation on you for not taking short cuts? Of course not. Are you familiar with the perfectionist guru Marie Kondo? Have you heard that she had officially given up?

2.So, no other alternative friends? (I'm assuming BF is best friend, not boyfriend.) Have you considered a professional counselor/therapist?

3.Also, while I admire your independence, don't think that it's necessarily a "burden" to ask for help or advice or moral/emotional support. There are times that when you turn to someone for help, that person may see it as a great compliment or a much-appreciated chance to be of use to you.

4.It's nice to have help with the dishes, but that's less of a time-consuming chore than general cooking and cleaning. And it seems to me that it may be less of an issue of whether you "mind" cleaning, and more of an issue of finding a way for you not to be so snowed under in terms of time. Maybe you should get him to share a bit more?

Good luck.

MsAmerica, (don’t know how to link to people’s names, sorry) thank you for your response and apologies for the delay in coming back. In the last few weeks I have done quite a bit of soul searching. I have reduced the amount of pressure on myself re the household chores and become more objective about them. I have started do to a few more simplistic meals. I had in the last few weeks started to comfort eat a bit but have overcome that - I want to be good to myself. I am not ready to talk to any friend, parent etc about this.

And as regards the admin / mortgage, we got a mortgage proposal which is a bit of an increase. This is with a view to getting another proposal before our term ends but the BoE has gone up since so not holding out much hope for a better deal. I have been trying to sort the banking in my excel but my laptop is not accessing File explorer so I am doing a defrag today but I don’t know if that will work and if it doesn’t I don’t know what I will do…. Trying so hard to be proactive on this.

However a bigger issue is at stake. I don’t know if I want to be in my relationship any more. The admin / mortgage/finance issue is one thing (House cost issues are a huge thing actually) but there are several other concerns for me with my partner. Perhaps I should move to relationships board…

Thank you again for thinking about me. I think the things you and others have said are the things I don’t want to hear from
RL friends/family, but I can see things more clearly in comments from people I’m not connected to in RL, so maybe this is the way forward for me.