Needing to be honest about how I’m feeling

[Rainbowsunshinerain]

I am feeling very lost and alone right now and feel like I need to be honest about some stuff that is happening.

I have a toddler, who turned 2 at the beginning of this year. I have two days a week off with him and since I’m being honest here I stopped enjoying them some time ago. To give full context, I went back to work when he was 10 months, at first it was so hard. I missed not just him but also if I’m honest the life we’d had together, the sort of daily routines and baby classes and coffee with nct friends. I initially went back FT, switched to PT in September and at first it was a novelty being able to go to groups again but things have moved on and I am not enjoying our days together. The afternoons on particular are very, very lonely.

I find myself with a very short fuse. I shouted this morning and I don’t mean just got a bit snappy, I properly screamed in response to a tantrum in the car. I don’t normally scream like that but I just am conscious that I have no real parenting skills. I don’t know how to play with him or anything like that, when I look for ideas on the CBeebies website or similar I can’t imagine doing them. I spend way too much time on my phone while he entertains himself. I also feel like I take him to places so I don’t have to interact much, so from his perception his days with me are probably just stuffed in the back of a car going from one place to the next.

I am also pregnant again. I know people will tell me that’s ridiculous but here’s the thing, I don’t want to be childless. I just want to fast forward a few years with a five year old and seven year old where I’m not up at 5am, where I’m not dealing with tantrums. It’s just so full on.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I’m scared of the next few years.

Im not a parent yet, though I have many fears about what is to come. I cant really help with any of the issues you raise but its been several hours since you posted and I wanted you to know people are listening and do care. From a non parent point of view, theres no judgement about you screaming at him, or the way in which you interact with him, indeed there is no negativity about you being pregnant again. If you need support keep doing what you are doing and reach out.

How far gone are you? Being pregnant is utterly exhausting and parenting a toddler at the same time is even harder. I felt the same way when I was at the same stage as you. Stopped enjoying everything and became terrified I wouldn't love my new baby (which sorted itself out the minute it was born). There are so many changes to go
Through when you have children. It's a never ending set of new circumstances. I think everything you're describing is very normal and I think you
Should be kinder to yourself. I also think it's ok to find small children boring. However that's why you need to make sure you have some like minded women around so you can meet up
And not feel lonely. That's what the baby groups are for. And if you don't want to go to them, try the park. Just don't sit at home feeling sad. These times will pass. And the shouting bit is most probably cos you're knackered! Good luck op. Xx

We've all been there, toddler and pregnant can be draining and exhausting our patience! I've been there, done it and didn't know at the time how to stop that cycle. Here's what I've learned (you don't have to answer the questions on here)

But think about the situation when you shouted
What was it that made you shout at him in the situation?
What thoughts went through your head just before you shouted?
What physical sensations came up just before you shouted?
What did you feel just before you shouted?
(e.g. anger, shame, guilt, sadness...)

Some of the above are easier to pinpoint than others especially our fleeting thoughts triggering the chain reaction are hard to determine. Having awareness what makes us shout can be a first step away from it.