Hi,
So I had PND with my first 3 years ago as DH started a new job the week they were born so no paternity leave. He refused to speak to his work about any potential alternatives or support and I absolutely went to pieces. That on top of moving house with a 4 week old, then impacted by the start of all the lockdowns and that his job was as a police officer so shifts all over the place and feeling completely alone.
It was absolutely awful, nearly ruined our relationship and took a long time to come out of. I was on Sertraline but I absolutely hated it. It made me constantly really hot and sweaty and made me feel nothing in regards to sex. They tried to book me onto group talking video calls but were very inflexible in regards to my work and where I worked (couldn’t just pop out to take a call).
I’ve just had our second child 5 weeks ago. No one professionally saw any reason for me to develop PND this time as they said the circumstances would be different (settled in house, DH has moved roles within the police so no night shifts but still some late finishes and every other weekend in).
During that time, I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism which involved sitting in A&E for 10 hours by myself being poked and prodded multiple times with needles and a cannula which is my worst fear in life. DH couldn’t come as he stayed with the children. It sounds minor but to me it was terrifying! The pain from it was so much that I couldn’t even hold our baby.
We’re also currently going through our first, who was an amazing sleeper, waking up multiple times in the night, crying out for us (HV thinks for attention). Our second also screams and cries all day and refuses to go to sleep so during the day (first at pre-school when DH works in the day to keep some normality), I can’t even sit down, barely find time to eat or drink because she screams being put down, won’t lie on a playmat for more than a minute and screams worse if I sit down with her. Going in a pram doesn’t stop it.
She will cry and be unsettled from her 10amish bottle, until she goes in the car to collect our first at around 4pmish. Once home, she’ll usually cry again until some time after her 7pmish bottle.
I can’t have visitors because I can’t sit down and talk to them over her crying and can’t take her out because she’ll just cry. HV initially thought colic but nurse came to see me this week and thinks possible CMPA and to try comfort milk once a day.
We get to the point where it’s 10pm at night and nothing has been achieved. I know standards have to slip when you have a baby but my brain doesn’t switch off and all I can focus on when stuck in the house is the pile of washing, the laundry that needs putting away, the cleaning that needs to be done. We don’t have any support apart from DH’s dad but I hate asking him. DH on the other hand is fine packing our ironing off to him and asking him to come and clean our house.
Tomorrow DH goes to work on a shift that will leave me alone with both children for the first time and I feel absolutely sick at the thought of it. We were supposed to have a nice family day out today but the weather has put paid to that, so I’m stuck in the house again.
I feel completely trapped and isolated, stuck in the house being cried at all day, every day. I feel like a zombie, keep crying and just dread every day, knowing what it’s going to consist of. I just missed my work maternity package by a few weeks; money is tight so I can’t even do the one thing for me that makes me feel happier, hobby wise (riding).
I feel completely lethargic, like I want to sit in a quiet room by myself and most of all like a failure and rubbish parent as it wasn’t supposed to be like this, but seems very likely I’m going to end up ill again.
I’m so frustrated as to why I can’t just cope and feel okay! DH keeps saying we can’t do that again (PND) so there’s even more pressure on me to try and ‘be’ okay.
Sorry, I’m just sat crying to myself and needed somewhere to get my thoughts out.