Violent, disturbing, uncontrollable thoughts

[mamabear199]

I'm aware this might sound a bit ridiculous. But here goes anyway.

I'm 6 months into motherhood. Love it, struggled at the start. Ever since I was pregnant I've had intrusive and terrifying thoughts and they've not gone away PP.

During pregnancy I worried a lot about my dog, if she was ok, looked after, mistreated at daycare etc. Hormonal worries I guess. But I wouldn't just be worrying about my own dog, but all dogs... everywhere I went wherever I saw a dog I'd be worried for it's welfare, worrying if it was mistreated. Like I was somehow responsible for it.

Now, since DC was born, that worry has shifted to babies and children. Worrying if babies I see out and about are ok, loved, looked after, treated badly. I have horrible intrusive thoughts about babies being hurt, I see visions of it in my head, and see 100 different scenarios of horrible things happening to kids. Its like a huge inner burden of worrying about all babies. Plus mine too of course, I worry about him all the time.

I find these super distressing and disturbing. I know they're just thoughts. They're not real. But out there in the world bad shit like this is probably happening and I can't stop it, so in a way it kind of feels real?

DH is very supportive and listens to me but I'm aware how silly it sounds.

Is it possible to be this hormonal (I'm thinking hormonal because it started when I was pregnant) 6 months PP? (I'm still BF so I imagine hormones are fluctuating still). It's getting to the point where I'm really struggling to cope.

I've started CBT recently and will raise this but just wanted to put feelers out there in case anyone relates to this. It's affecting my day to day life quite a bit. Anything can feel triggering. Last night we were catching up on YOU on Netflix and there was a scene where Joe gives up his baby and leaves him on the doorstep, sent me into tears.

I used to get horrible images of , for example walking down the road with my child in a buggy, the buggy veering off into the traffic.

Apparently it's quite normal and supposed to reflect a heightened sense of danger.

Could it be similar?

Thanks @BluebellBlueballs I have these too, but not sure it's all that I'm describing here. It feels like mine is that but x1000 and worrying about babies that aren't even my own! It's weird.

I would definitely take that to therapy OP. I agree that it may be connected to a heightened sense of awareness now you are a Mum but it sounds like you need to challenge the idea of a sense of responsibility for all dogs, babies or whatever it may be next for you. Good luck!

I would say it’s ‘normal’ in the sense that it’s instinctual as PP said - heightened awareness of danger. But it’s not OK if it’s distressing you (which is understandable!). So you can get help. Don’t feel professionals will think you’re abnormal because you’re not.

I didn’t sleep at the end of my first pregnancy as I had awful intrusive thoughts that I would abuse my baby. And then you think, ‘shit, I can’t stop thinking about abusing babies. I must have it in me.’ Terrifying! But, abusing kids is my WORST FEAR so no, I don’t have it in me. It’s an OCD thing. Hormones surely play a part.

I think you need to speak to your GP or HV. It could be post partum depression, or even I've heard of post partum psychosis (I know it typically presents after birth but I'm not saying it is that but maybe it is something similar?). Get professional help just so you can be sure what is going on.

I really struggled with PPD and dark thoughts formed a big part of it.

I also should add that when I gave up BFing my PPD became a lot better for some reason. I don't want to discourage you as it's obviously honorouable to do it but I think in some women the hormones can be difficult to handle - for example I had a weird thing called DMER on letdown which led to really dark thoughts - worth a google). So I think for some women BFing and the hormonal impact can be quite significant and definitely worth considering in case it is impacting you. So for me it was a relief to give it up as I felt a lot better.

You sound like I was a few years ago. Gp referred me to psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd and put me on Sertraline. The combination of meds and talking therapy changed my life.
I still get the intrusive thoughts today but they are much less in frequency and intensity.
Please don't suffer in silence. Talk to your gp. 💐 for you

Thanks everyone, as I'm seeing a psychotherapist already for CBT I'm hoping that will help, but I haven't considered medication. I wonder if I could continue breastfeeding if on setraline or equivalent. I really don't want to give it up.

I really think that you should talk to your therapist or GP about this. It sounds exhausting and distressing for you. 💐

i also think it’s normal although can be quite unpleasant. Have your periods come back?
CBT can be quite useful for this type of thing, talk to your therapist.

Sorry to sound daft but could to see your psychotherapist for psychotherapy? Or doesn't it work like that? I just wonder if your therapy needs to broaden slightly as this feels like more than a CBT approach may encompass. Would be good to chat with your therapist and see. I think sertraline and breastfeeding are ok together but your GP will know more.

Sorry to hear about your suffering OP. You absolutely can breastfeed on sertraline, in fact it's the one most recommended. Your intrusive thoughts sound very typical of PND. I had something similar, thoughts and images of children being hurt and mutilated. I used to use the train a lot and was terrified I wud drop the pram onto the track and a train would come. The thoughts were like you said, graphic and violent. I would hear the screams and see the blood. I did have CBT which helped a little. I would definitely consider going back onto sertraline, you a doing a fav job at being a mum and breastfeeding your child. Good luck to you OP.

Definitely mention this to your therapist.
Postpartum hormones aside, this sounds a lot like OCD with intrusive thoughts. Pregnancy hormones may be a significant factor too.
Good that you're already in the position of receiving support for your MH. Must be really unpleasant.

Sertraline very quickly diminished my intrusive thoughts during PND. Just started seeing a psychotherapist too to treat other aspects of PND but very few intrusive thoughts since I started sertraline in Sept last year. Good luck OP!