Advice needed to cope with DP's depression - struggling

[KelaS]

Hi all. Not sure really what I want to say here, so am just going to ramble and hopefully will make some kind of sense.

DP suffers from depression and has done for 3 1/2 years (we have been together 3 years). He goes through good periods and bad periods, and until recently had been getting better; stopped seeing the counsellor and was sent back to the GP with the idea of starting to come off his anti-depressents soon. However recently he has started struggling again, and just before christmas he went back to the GP who increased his dosage. There were a lot of reasons why he was struggling - money worries, work stress (Christmas is always hard) and the imminent prospect of becoming a father, but he was coping well with it and was starting to think he didn't need the extra dose.

Now to get to the point!! I gave birth 12 days ago, and in the last few days he has really started struggling again, but since I am also finding things a bit hard (not PND, just baby blues I think), I can't support him as I would like to, and am starting to get frustrated at what feels like a lack of support from him. I know that he can't help it, that it is an illness, etc, and I am really trying not to let him know how I am feeling, but when I have been up half the night feeding DD and he has had a good 8 hours sleep, it really doesn't help me to hear how tired he is. I have had a couple of bouts of tears over the last week or so, and all he does is give me a box of tissues; doesn't ask me what is wrong etc. I know he loves DD, and he is very good with her, but he does get frustrated when she won't settle (which isn't very often - she is very contented), and I get upset that he is possibly letting his depression affect how he relates to her. I also sometimes feel like he thinks I am not doing the right thing when it comes to looking after her, which makes me feel like a bad mother, but equally I get the impression that he thinks that I am critical of his skills as a father - that I take charge of her and don't let him look after her as much as he would like. I'd love to be able to talk to him about all this, but when he gets depressed he finds it hard to talk, so I have to guess about what is going on in his head, and can't let him know how I feel.

I know this all probably doesn't make much sense, and I am not even really sure what kind of advice I am looking for, but any help people can give would be welcome. At the moment I feel like DD and I are kind of on our own - DP went to bed half an hour or so ago, leaving me to handle getting DD to bed on my own (again), without even asking if I would be ok. I am tempted to not even sleep in our bedroom tonight, but take DD into the spare room, partly coz I am upset with him, and partly so that he can get a good night's sleep before his first day back at work from paternity leave tomorrow.

Have to leave this here as DD needs me, hopefully someone will be able to make some sense of this

I just wanted to send my support. I suffer with depression so i can understand how you and your DP feel. I have given my DP such a hard time with it all and it is as hard for those who love you to understand as it is for the person with the illness.

It is good that you understand that it is an illness and can put things in perspective, but that doesnt make things any easier to deal with in reality.

I bet he is feeling, totally overwhelmed by being a daddy just now. Its a pretty big deal and most relationships go through a tough period post baby. It is supposed to be oh so lovely, a perfect little family - but what about the sleepless nights, tiredness, financial hardship etc etc. We are having money trouble and that can eat into everything.

I certainly think you are not alone in this, lots of men struggle with the whole dad thing. Its perfectly natural, so dont blame it all on DPs depression as that might make him feel worse if you see what i mean.

Practiacally, just try and encourage him to get involved and do things WITH you as much as you can. Bath her together, even change her together - will you help, rather than will you do. Give him some time alone with DD if it is practical.

Do listen to how YOU yourself are feeling, IS it just baby blues? you have a lot to cope with right now. Talk to someone about your feelings. Tell DP how you feel, just put it out there, tell him you dont expect him to do anything, but you have to tell him how you feel and then leave it at that. That might be enough to bring him back to reality as it were. Do you have a good HV? Talk to your GP - it might be worth you having counselling together. I really wish DP would have counselling with me as then he could understand more what goes on in my head, but he wont, bloody men eh!!

Sorry, this is not very helpfull, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone and to certain extent i think all couples battle, not just those with depression issues, so it might not be as bleak as things appear. LEts hope not - big hugs to you and congratulations on your little girl

I haven't got time for a long post now, but my DP sounds similar. After DD2 was born, he was dreadful. Hope someone comes along who can chat to you now. I'll be back when I can. In the meantime, try to be kind to yourself. Try not to dwell on how you would like things to be - it may make you feel worse - try just to cope with your DD. You've got a difficult job there. I hope you have some support from family and/or friends? My friends were invaluable to me after I'd had DD2. Things will get easier - you're still in the hardest bit with DD and you're probably not getting nearly enough sleep at the moment. Just concentrate on yourself and DD at the moment. Take things one step at a time. Good luck. I'll come back and check on you when I can. Big hugs.

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Thanks so much for the quick replies (I love MN!)

I don't want to give the impression that DP doesn't help with DD, he is great, during the day. Its just at night that I feel alone, and that is mostly coz I am BF and so he can't give much practical help. I just don't think he sees that emotional support is just as important.

don't worry about sleeping in a different room for a while - lots of people I know did this. Then you can crash (tiptoe...) around without worrying about disturbing dh, and kind of take ownership of the night. that sounds ridiculous i know. but i'm thinking about the fact that when my dh was away with & the kids were little i actually found i coped better than when he was home and i was expecting more of him that he was offering!

Thanks grinning soul; I am trying to weigh up whether it is better to feel lonely on my own, or be with him and resent him for sleeping all night.