Depressed with childhood trauma and subsequent emotional damage

[Touty]

I feel like I am going round in circles in my head. I am nearly 50 years old and I still do not feel at peace.

I am angry and so sad that my crap childhood of abuse, neglect, lack of nurturing etc continues to occupy my head. I can accept the fact that it’s happened and it’s in the past but it isn’t in the past, because I am still living with the consequences. The consequences of never feeling that I had a home, never feeling settled, constantly moving around, dealing with persistent poor mental health, lack of community lack of connection lack of emotional support from family. still having to deal with the same selfish emotionally manipulative family members.

I’ve done therapy medication, but nothing takes away the pain and sadness re grief and loss.

i guess I’m stuck in this headspace.

can anyone relate?

I can relate but I try really hard to seperate what happened then with my life now. I have 3 kids and I try really hard to ensure that have the life I should have had, the emotional support and love as well as the other stuff.
it is hard and I have days where I grieve for the child me who had a shit time but try and recognise that my life now is in my control.

I guess it's about recognising that the past is gone and you can choose to move on. Being abused in the present is different though. You would need to put boundaries in place which may well end up you going NC, because abusers don't change.

I think if you genuinely are sick of thinking about the past, it is possible to retrain the brain and body. You would become a different person than you are now. Power of Now is a good place to start.

Please consider remedial hypnosis. Your trauma is in your subconscious mind and that's what RH connects with, to stop the thought patterns from your past.

Thanks Merlot, but how do I move on if there is no where to move on too, it’s like feeling stuck i no man’s land - had this feeling for most of my life and can’t see how it can change ..

You are not alone.

Mine isn't constant tho. Have you tried meds?

So sorry btw. Children should never be treated like this.

I'm really sorry you have suffered trauma OP. Something I your post makes me wonder. You say:

how do I move on if there is no where to move on too, it’s like feeling stuck i no man’s land

what makes you say you have nowhere to move on to?

@Touty I understand totally. Looking around I just see the results of crap choices I made iny life because of trauma as a child. Similar age to you and I feel it's too late to turn things around and anxiety is winning.

Because I feel I have no reason to be anywhere in particular - never to have had a settled home has really set me back. Also - what is there if we don’t have people to share our lives with? When no one is really emotionally invested in us.

I just see a sad and solitary future for myself, always on the outside

I understand completely. I too at 50 feel like I have no o direction in life either physically or existentially. I look at people with secure childhoods with interest d and nurturing parents and that really sets them up in life

Yes meds turned down the volume for a whil on things

ahh ok. that sounds hard OP. So sorry.

Can you start building a community for yourself? That might sound like a big task, but maybe start with finding love, forgiveness and grace for yourself, that could be the first relationship to heal?

Yes, but that sounds very abstract. I’m still left with the practical pro blend.

Problemas

what are the practical problems OP?

I feel that my partner and I are not compatible, I thought we could get over it, I knew this 10 years ago, now I an 50. I need somewhere of my own but feel I have no where to go . I live in Spain - so I’m isolated anyway. Back to UK? Can’t see that working out either. So I have terrible anxiety about this, so it’s the same problems again, everything feels completely unstable again and I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I feel lik a child and can’t help myself😕

I have been dealing with a similar situation for a number of years since I forced myself to actually confront what had happened in my family growing up. There was incest in my family and bullying and significant emotional neglect and like you I’ve struggled to come to terms with it all. But I accept I will never fully get over it so instead I try to get over it as best as I can.

I am NC with my family because it is a toxic environment and nothing can thrive in a toxic environment. I have got a great family now, a fantastic husband and a great relationship with my children. I think that is what you need to focus on too. Creating a good environment for yourself now or at least as good as it can be. nothing thrives in a toxic situation so try to surround yourself with healthy people and minimise absolutely your time around toxic people.