Should I just cut off ties?

[RoseCL60]

Hi all, This month, I've had enough. I've been there for my mother who has gone through two serious illnesses resulting in treatment. I (and my husband) have spent time with my mum as she recovered from cancer last year and also from a stomach disorder. My husband and I still work in central London and do not live with her but took time out to be with her. I've had severe symptoms of heavy bleeding and a heavy cold. I do not know what the outcome is at present. I called my mother only to be told 'can I call you back as I am waiting on a call regarding my timeshare?' I didn't hear back so called her five hours later. My elder sibling (who I don't get on with) answered the phone in a frosty manner. Previously she had been bubbly and nice on the phone to me when our mum was ill, but now it appears that as mum has got better she doesn't have to bother. Over the last three decades I have had belittling and sarcasm from my mum. Both my husband and I are never invited to social events in the family and when I got my degree the first thing she said was 'don't mention it in front of your sister' (ie. don't look like you've got a big head). When I stayed with my mum before on a weekend at hers, my sister called to say that she had a free ticket going to an event so my mum said to me 'aren't you going home?' as she wanted to go with my sister. When she had a birthday party she mentioned who wanted to see who and when I asked for a split second if anyone asked about me she just said 'it's not all about you.' Should I just cut my loses and sever all connection as she doesn't consider my feelings and clearly doesn't like me.

Yes. Your MH will be better for it. I believe in applying the same principles to blood relatives as to anyone else. I don't believe blood relatives should get to treat you badly and get away with it just because of the genetic connection. Society has this expectation that because we're relatives we'll all get along somehow and that is ingrained in all our psyches, making it harder to let the toxic ones go. You have to first let go of the hope that they'll be different (why would they? Since when does any other toxic person suddenly change into a non toxic person? It's not going to happen just because you share some genes) and you have to grieve the loss of that hope.

You'll be better off without a toxic mother and sibling in your life, but although you'll feel the benefits of that situation you can still expect to feel sad about it. Deep down you want a family (humans are social creatures) and you've got them - it's just that they're no good for you. It's a classic case of following your head - to do what's right for you and lead you to a kind of peace. Not your heart - which will lead you to endless heartbreak, every time they dash your hopes by letting you down and treating you badly again.

The less I have to do with my family the better life gets. I'll take low level sadness when I think of them over the emotional roller coaster ride of drama that having them in my life brings. You have a husband, maybe DC, maybe his relatives and maybe others on your side, plus friends. Create your own supportive family environment. You don't have to stick with the one you were born into if they're not good for you.

Thanks very much for the advice. I tell myself that I must be a good person if I have been with a loving partner for 27 years. I'm lucky to have good in-laws who support both of us. I have been feeling this way (as an outsider in the family) for at least 30 years. I've been thinking about Mother's day and sending a card but frankly I won't bother and move on with my life.

You're welcome.

Mother's Day, birthday etc is so hard. For various reasons I am still in very low contact with mine. I send the card out of duty that's all. I refuse to buy one that says "wonderful mum" or anything like that, I just can't do it. Blank ones are out too because then I'd have to write something nice in it! I always search out the one that says "have a lovely day" or something. Everyone should have a lovely day so I'm fine with that, but oh the stress!

If you're ready to go no-contact that'll be much easier. Consider blocking phone numbers too, there's no reason you should read/listen to backlash from people you don't care about who aren't in your life any more (even if they don't realise that yet!).

You're right - if you have a good partner and nice in-laws and close friends etc, if you get on ok at work and generally don't go around making enemies everywhere you go then yes, it's totally them and not you! All those others wouldn't be friends with you otherwise.

I can relate op, I did go no contact with my mother 5 years ago, but that ate away at my head too. The no contact was mutual, my sister eventually put us back together but people don’t change - I think I need to limit contact, but it’s hard.

I think I’ll just send a text on Mother’s Day instead of a phone call

Hi Touty
I am sorry that you went through this. Sadly the people that give birth to us are sadly not equipped to be parents. My sister years ago told me that my mum forgot the contraceptive pill and that I wasn't meant to be born 'a mistake' which is a terrible thing to say to anyone - my (half) sister was actually the result of my mum's teenage affair at 16 but I don't mention anything about her conception. My mum confirmed this a few weeks ago with a smirk then added on 'but of course I wanted my children'. My mum in turn talks about her rotten childhood with my grandparents as the youngest and that her sister (my aunt) boxed her ears and how unloved she was. She now sees the aunt after her parents died. It's hard to fully sympathise about her upbringing when she repeats the emotionally abusive behaviour which includes silent treatment, criticism, put downs and manipulation between family members. I am frequently told 'I do not do anything' by her (I have been to three universities, got two fellowships, two jobs, and a home with my husband...). I stayed with her and my husband during COVID lockdown. We had a bad verbal fight. It resulted from my mother opening my mail (which belongs to me under my name). I asked her not to open my mail sitting calmly at the dinner table. Before I know it, she's upstairs in her bed crying. I go to the bathroom and she is screaming at me to tell me I'm in the bathroom. She's in her mid 70s and I'm in my mid 40s. I am excluded from group 'pub lunches' and when I've asked about it I'm told 'it's because of how you talk to your mother'. If I go for a job application she says 'well they didn't want you the first time, so what makes you think they want you?'. My late paternal grandmother was kind. She said to me that I could have been a model but my mum said 'it's only because you are skinny' and she took me to a child psychologist at the age of 12 because I was withdrawn (my father had just been diagnosed with a brain tumour and I got bullied at school). In these sessions over 30 years ago she said in front of me and my father to a child psychologist 'I am not close to her.' I could go on, but I refuse to let it ruin my life. Apologies for the long one.

@RoseCL60 I have been through similar things. It took me a long time to reach the point of NC but it really is the best thing. My self-worth was on the floor and I was suffering panic attacks from the endless chipping away. The way I see it, they choose to be unkind. They choose to exclude, they choose to say hurtful cruel things and they choose to do all of the other nasty things they do. They then leave you with no choice but to protect yourself from it all.
You have done the right thing being there for your mother through her illnesses, but despite that she is and your sibling are still choosing to be unkind. The experience taught your mother nothing and she will not change. Don’t let her hurt you anymore, walk away with your head held high.