Wish I could be gone in a puff of smoke

[Snappyfrog]

I’m not suicidal. I have parents and children and could never do that to them but I just wish I could click my fingers and be gone without leaving any destruction behind.

my life is a mess. I ruin relationships and push people away. I’m not a nice person, I over think, over analyse, judge harshly including myself. I’m boring and negative. Constantly look around and want to be anyone but myself. I’m awkward and cold and passive aggressive.

I look at others having natural deep connections with people and I just never do. Even grandparents/family. Everything feels surface level nothing feels deep and connected. I think im broken, how did this happen, am I just rotten?

im needed in that I’m a mother and my children love me but I don’t positively contribute to any other part of the world.

this is nothing but a self pitying rant and I’m not after responses. just wanted to write it down.

I couldn't read this and not reply. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, I can hear how hopeless you feel.

Do you want advice or just an ear?

Either way, just know that you are not rotten or broken. You're lovable and wonderful, but perhaps you are unhappy - even depressed - and need some support.

I don’t think I was like this before. Although I must have been to not create deep relationships with my grand parents and sibling but was probably just too self absorbed to realise.

but since having children it’s like all my negative personality faults are magnified. I need to be in control. And I constantly worry about how I’m impacting them, the behaviours I’m modelling.

I used to feel lucky and positive. But now I’m just a drain. I’ve cut friendships out as I’m so self righteous. People back away from me. Since the kids as well it’s like I’ve lost my self, I used to be intelligent and now I struggle to communicate coherently at work. I used to feel attractive and now I’m fat and frumpy. I’ve just lost all the good of me and I hate that I’ll let my children down. On the surface I probably look confident and happy if a bit opinionated. But inside I know I’m a mess

How old are your children? I don't want to immediately pathologise, but could you have PND? I have two small children too - 4 and 1 - and I can sympathise with the loss of identity and the loss of social skills.

You sound incredibly harsh on yourself, and I can pretty much guarantee that no one is judging you as unkindly as you're judging yourself.

Do you have fun? Do you get to relax on your own, or on your own terms? If your day-to-day involves neither fun or relaxation, it's no surprise that you'd be feeling like a thundercloud. It isn't you, it's the situation you're in. Do you have a supportive partner? Does anyone IRL know how you feel?

If you were my friend, I'd tell you to speak up, to see your GP, and to think about what brings you joy and then prioritise it. You deserve to feel brighter again, try to be kinder to yourself.

Hi OP I recently listened to Romesh Ranganathan on the diary of a ceo podcast and he was talking about something you and I also share, which is a profoundly negative gremlin in our heads that basically spends every spare thought telling us what a crappy unlovable person we are. The fact you're sending this in the wee hours confirms this, it's the gremlin's favourite time to send us a barrage of hate. I personally have been dealing with it myself over time fairly simplistically by not even giving the negative thought a second to breathe before changing my thoughts to something else, and keeping myself really busy. However just the other night I was awake at 3am thinking about what a terrible mother I am, i try to immediately forget the thoughts but it was all quite dark stuff like yours! If you are going through a particularly difficult time with it, maybe cognitive behavioural therapy could help you? It sounds like you're struggling with it a bit. And your view of yourself is in the gutter - even without knowing you it cannot be true. Try to imagine how perfect you appear to your children, they see you as so beautiful, loving, kind and their sanctuary in the world. Truly, that is who you are.

I feel the same. I would never kill myself as it would hurt too many people, although I have considered it and even made a plan a couple of times. I would like to have never existed though.

Im fat, grumpy, an awful parent and wife. Not bad at my job, but not enough to counteract everything else. I dream of living on my own in an isolated spot so I can't cause any more hurt to anyone.

Hugs from me, it's an exhausting way to live. I don't know how to solve it though

I know how you feel OP and to the poster above also.

I'm thinking of you both x

Sorry you feel the same.

my children are both 3 and under. But neither newborns so i don’t think it’s PND. I think having children has just made me look at myself and my life more closely and I don’t like what I see.

I actually don’t think I’m depressed either. Im happy on a day to day basis. I have fun with my immediate family. I look forward to things planned in the future.

I just hate my personality and the lack of deep connections. It’s like I’m incapable of loving even.

Oh I can be happy. No problem with that. But always the underlying sensation that I'm not quite good enough. Not fun enough, don't tidy enough, too strict / not strict enough, lazy, too focussed on work.

I never quite seem to hit the mark. I had really poor mental health during covid and my husband pulled away from me and has never really come back so now I just trudge along trying to do my best.

Firstly, none of us disappear in a puff of smoke, which I'm sure you understand. It is painful and messy and you will leave a gaping wound in everyone's lives. If you find yourself developing this train of thought you need to seek medical help fast.
It sounds to me like you are doing some deep soul searching OP. Could you access therapy to try and explore some of these topics? Your thinking sounds quite black and white and I wonder if you could find some nuance in there if you talked it out a bit more. I hope you find some space and clarity and the joy that you feel is missing.