i feel too crappy even to tell dh how im feeling

[Divastrop]

i am getting to the end of my tether,it has been quite a stressful few weeks what with one thing and another(birthdays,xmas,more birthdays,dd getting picked on at school,CBT group getting cancelled untill 28th feb,ds2 being badly behaved at school)and i am feeling more and more alone as dh becomes more and more wrapped up in playing world of warcraft.i am at the point where i feel so down and vulnerable i am scared to say anyhthing to him as im scared he will just up and leave me,then i wont have him atall,which would be worse than the current situation of doing pretty much everything myself.

he would do stuff if i asked him,but i dont feel able to.i feel like i should be able to cope.

dh is agoraphobic,he can go out if he has to,but thats it,so i feel sad(irrational,i know)when i take the kids out and see couples together with their kids.i used to feel like that when i was a single mum

i am the opposite,i cant stay in the house as i get anxious and panicky(i have been like that as long as i can remember)so i take the kids out by myself at the weekends(i could go out by myself,and dh has said that he doesnt mind looking after the kids if i need to get out on my own for a couple of hours,but i feel bad if the kids are stuck in all day,and i would feel selfish for putting myself first).

i keep crying,and i am very soon going to get the the paranoia stage where i start thinking he has met somebody else online who is into the same stuff as him and isnt a miserable cow.he always thinks i am jealous or paranoid if i mention him paying more attention to the game than me anyway,because when i was pregnant with dd3 i was forever going on at him about chatting to women.so now i feel i cant talk to him atall.

sorry this is so long,i needed to get it out.

Diva - if you are not happy about dh spending so much time on the computer then you have a RIGHT for it to take more of a back seat.

If dh has agoraphobia then i truly think you should be trying to resolve that... he will miss out on loads of the children's lives and experiences if he doesn't attempt to break down the worries. You know the only way he'll do that is to turn the computer off... walk through the front door and step by step try to improve his confidence.

Sounds to me as though this computer world has filled a gap that has been created in his life due to his fear of going out.

It is a shame - the poor bloke sounds like he is living half a life and it is putting you under massive stress when you already have enough on your plate.

Diva, I agree with muppet's post, that is the problem with WOW, it does take over peoples lives somewhat but you need to talk to your dh, if he won't talk, then get yourself some councilling and suggest he comes along, it might be the thing to get him thinking he needs to resolve his issues. Your not asking him to give up WOW right, just reduce it to an hour or day (or a dungeon on the odd occassion)
Sympathies from another gaming widow.

Diva - you must talk to him if you are feeling this miserable. WOW is not just taking his time away from you it is taking him away from his family and TBH from having a RL.

You have every right to expect him to have some input and make some effort into your marriage - you haven't been married that long.

This is not about you feeling jealous of other women - its about you, quite rightfully IMHO, having expectations of a proper relationship and a life where he seems interested in you and the DCs.

Why don't you tell him how fed up you are feeling. And try not to do it the way I do to my DH (screaming harpie style)

i know i need to rell him how i feel but i dont know how to do it without sounding like im having a go at him.i used to be able to talk to him about anything but there seems little point now as i know whatever i say it will be twisted around so its me or the dc causing a problem.

i saw a psychiatric nurse on friday(who is my keyworker from the self-esteem group i have been going to),she said pretty much the same thing,that as dh is the one who lives with me i need to sit him down and tell him whats going on,she even said we could see her together if i want but i know dh wouldnt be up for that.

Diva - is your dh happy with himself? Is he comfortable with being agoraphobic? Or does it make him miserable?

If it is the latter, i would sit him down - tell him how not going out and about as a family makes you upset and phrase it in such a way that you want to HELP him regain control of his life and join in with your family life.

Tell him how much it would mean to you to share all these moments with him... how it upsets you that he is missing out on stuff...

this way you are coming at it from the "I care about you so much" corner and it is less likely to sound like you're just sitting there pointing out all the stuff he doesn't do to him...

sound possible?

muppet-he is happy with himself,he doesnt see it as a problem,he just doesnt like outside.i have asked him if he's depressed and he says no,he isnt.

hugs, Diva!!!

He doesn't like outside because being inside is more appealing for him?? It sounds like this game is addictive and it is a shame that it is taking his attention away from his family.

I can understand that you want to do things as a family and I totally respect your decision to take the children out instead of taking that time for yourself. They are very lucky to have such a considerate Mama.

Instead of having a rant or telling him that you are fed up... are you able to tell him what it is that you want, how often, how you would like him to participate etc etc.

And, if he is willing to take responsibility for the children so that you can have a little 'me' time... take it!!! You are amazing how you keep control of your children.

Good luck Diva... I agree with the other posters - it is your right to expect to behave as a family.

Ok - so that's a bit more tricky!

If you were to tell him that you're not ok with it though... perhaps he could see life could be better if he were to embrace real life a little more?

If his on-line life were to evaporate one day for whatever reason... what do you think his life would be like? What would he fill those hours with? Does he have other interests you could tempt him with?

muppet... some evil reason??? Power cord goes missing / mysteriously cut... water spilt on the keyboard

on the rare occasion he has been unable to play the game(no internet etc)he has been climbing the walls.

he didnt even listen to the football today(he's been a man u supporter since he was little),that is very worrying.

the thing is,i dont feel i can say anything to him,as he has to realise for himself iyswim.i dont want to be seen to be trying to control him,or telling him what he can /cant do.i know i have the right to tell him how i feel,i just know however i word it he will see it as me moaning at him

on the plus side,he has realised i'm not doing too good at the moment and told me to sit down while he tidied/hoovered etc after tea this evening

oh god,no,i have seen what he's like when his computer has died before.