Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

How can I help DP? Sudden anxiety

17 replies

Whitegrenache · 26/02/2023 20:19

Hi DP of 21 years normally fit and well has been struggling recently due to my new job which is requiring a lot of travel away from home and leaving him with DC dd17 ds14

He always worked away when the kids were small and my career took a back step (mutually agreed) now the kids are older and self sufficient we decided it was time for me to Step up and focus on my career.

I absolutely love my job but it does require a lot of Travel. DP told me a few weeks ago he found it hard me being away as he misses me and finds the evenings hard as he feels
Lonely (DC usually in their rooms!)

Anyway this weekend he has terrible
Anxiety and having panic attacks with feelings of self harm and worthlessness

He is a big burly tradesman and it is so out of Character and I have supported him fully. He has a GP apt tomorrow at 9am but over the weekend he had a couple of attacks in front of the kids and is now horrified that they have seen him like this and feels it is a weakness he has shown. DS14 got very upset this evening but we had a chat and explained everything that was going on and he seemed ok. DD is better at coping and I think has the emotional maturity to cope albeit with my keeping an eye on her.

So my dilemma is this week I am supposed to be away a few days for work (all day tomorrow 7am-9pm) then away Wednesday to Friday. I'm still in my probation at work so really don't want to tell them I can't go but then feel awfully guilty leaving kids and DP...

I'm hoping the doctor tomorrow can give him some medication that can help the physical symptoms which will be pretty much instant help. I know anti depressants will take longer to work (fellow depression sufferer)

Am I a terrible partner and mother if I go to work as normal?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whitegrenache · 26/02/2023 21:43

Anyone?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 26/02/2023 21:47

I'm.guessing his thoughts are you quit your job? That's coming.

He needs to get some form of support system going on, it's not healthy not to be able to cope with a partner not being around all the time. Not fair on any of you. So yes, I think you should go to work as usual. Maybe plan something fun to do when you get back.

Hercisback · 26/02/2023 21:50

I agree with the PP the answer isn't to stop your work, instead support him through you being away. Does he need help with the physical stuff when you're away? Or is it the loneliness? Can he find something to do in the evenings?

The GP appointment is the start. Can you afford any private therapy for him?

Wolfiefan · 26/02/2023 21:55

It’s a long way in between feeling lonely and panic attacks/thoughts of self harm. What made the shift?
I agree with a PP. I would plan how he’s going to get through the next few days rather than not go to work. What can he do so he’s not lonely? What can he do if he feels like he’s starting to panic?

Original poster

Whitegrenache · 26/02/2023 22:00

We can afford private therapy- we have health care through my work ironically

The gp apt tomorrow is a private one

OP posts:

Original poster

Whitegrenache · 26/02/2023 22:01

Wolfiefan not sure what has been the shift

He has no idea why he feels so bad

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 26/02/2023 22:09

Sorry OP. I have anxiety and depression. I’ve been there. A plan to help him over the coming days would be good. A list of websites and telephone helplines and maybe even a couple of jobs to be done! Distraction helps.

Original poster

Whitegrenache · 26/02/2023 22:13

I have anxiety and depression too and he is now feeling so guilty for not "getting it" when I have felt down.

I have never had such an Acute episode like this.

It's heartbreaking and to see my son breakdown when he saw it was just awful.

Such a sensitive soul.

OP posts:

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/02/2023 10:28

I would hazard a guess that there's something from his childhood that's been triggered. Maybe mum or dad went away and young him didn't know if/when they were coming back. Is this likely?

Sullyssorryeyes · 27/02/2023 11:11

How are things today @Whitegrenache ? What did you decide in the end? I have been where your dp is, however my circumstances were different. My symptoms were exactly the same though.
Get him to read self help for your nerves by Claire weekes. It's a life changing book and will help explain what's happening to him in really simple terms as well as giving him a recovery plan.

Original poster

Whitegrenache · 03/03/2023 10:16

Things haven't been great. I had to cancel
My work trip this week as I needed to be at home to support him and DC. (Work are amazing)
He has managed to access private GP and counselling service and has been Rx citalopram,
He keeps telling me he feels
Suicidal and how he plans to do it, then cry's and says he is sorry.

Having spoken to him this week he feels like me working away is ready the family apart and that i am the rock of the family.

I have categorically told him I'm not leaving my job but will 100% cut down on travel to only 2 days a week

He says he has failed completely and has nothing in his life.

I asked him last night what joy he had in his life and he said nothing

OP posts:

Badger1970 · 03/03/2023 10:20

Reading your last post, I can't help but feel that there is a lot of emotional blackmail coming from him regarding your job. I wonder how quickly he would recover if you handed your notice in.....

I don't mean to sound callous btw, I've had crippling anxiety since my Dad was terminally ill and passed away. But you can't all dance to his tune here.

Hercisback · 03/03/2023 11:35

There does seem to be a lot of "blame" assigned to you in his eyes.
Your job can't be having this much impact on his MH, it really can't.

What does he mean by nothing in his life?
Is he seeing any therapists? He sounds like he should be.

Elsiebear90 · 03/03/2023 11:38

I have anxiety and I’m not really buying this tbh, seems like emotional manipulation to get you to leave your job.

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 11:59

@Whitegrenache You'll know this, but someone who says they are suicidal and who has made plans needs to be taken very seriously. This should be reported to the GP ASAP. He should be referred to CRISIS who should be monitoring him closely.

Please also remember that citalopram can make things worse before it makes things better and this includes suicidal thoughts. He needs to realise that these thoughts are not "him" and that he will get better. It will take time, but these thoughts are only that "thoughts" and they cannot make him act on them. Make it very clear to him that his death would not in any way help you and it would devastate the family. Some people in his condition think it is "for the best" that they end their lives. Also tell him that it is not a weakness to need help, that's male bollocks.

He will recover from this. He needs to work at it though and he needs to take responsibility for that recovery. He can't say "stop working and it will make it all better" as that will actually make it worse for him in the long run.

I was a very successful senior businessman and one day I had a breakdown out of the blue due to overwork. It was not pleasant at all. I have recovered but it took time and effort and I needed some time off and a career change in the end. I was also ex military and I've seen a lot of "hard men" crumble. It bloody well isn't something only wimps suffer from.

CombatBarbie · 03/03/2023 13:12

Well the citralopram will be making the suicidal thoughts.... He needs to push through the first 2 weeks of treatment. It's torture but will help. Long-term.

I don't want to dismiss his feelings at all, but other posters are mentioning emotional blackmail and I'm inclined to agree. If be saying this if was a woman too. If genuine he's triggered a trauma memory most likely.

I'm surprised the docs didn't go in with propranolol to begin with as thats instant physical relief which he seems to be suffering more with.

LetThemEatTurnips · 03/03/2023 13:20

Having spoken to him this week he feels like me working away is ready the family apart and that i am the rock of the family

This is emotional blackmail. You are not tearing the family apart (assuming ready = tearing), you are just going to work.

He always worked away when the kids were small What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Is he sexist generally? Is he controlling in other ways?

Flip