Rage Within - the not so nice side of motherhood!!!!

[memum]

Can anyone else relate to those horrible ugly feelings of red rage that suddenly flash before you when your child manages to reach to the very limits of your patience? I hope I am not alone. It appears to be something few people discuss over tea and biscuits at mother and toddler group - so I hope I can find comrades here!

My 20 month old toddler is testing me to the limit. He throws mighty tantrums. I can barely control him as he thrashes about like a wild animal - literally. He hits me in the face, his legs collapse beneath him like a rag doll, he throws himself onto all surfaces - concrete/corners of furniture/wet muddy grass verges etc. He also manages to try to escape at least once a week. Today he took advantage of someone leaving the gate open at the toddler group and disappeared. Last week he pushed opened our porch door and ran over the road out of sight. A police helicopter was contacted to take up the search - though I did actually find him 4 mins later. I almost had a heart attack in the street however and ended up being consoled by an elderly neighbour - (whilst my son proceeded to dismantle her living room)

Anyway, to top it all off I am 8 months pregnant. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I try to remain calm and patient, but feel like I no longer have any control over him. Quite often I end up phoning my poor husband (who works in London - 1 hr and and half journey away)in floods of tears, and he then comes home to try to pick up the pieces.

But what scares me - during the midst of some of his tantrums, is this feeling of rage that just bubbles up within me and I'm frightened with the horrid angry thoughts that dash through my mind directed towards my son. I love him so much yet he can sometimes provoke in me a murderous rage which leaves me feeling guilty and numb. It is a blind rage - if you know what I mean - and after I'm left racking my brains - 'did I do anything wrong?' 'Did I manhandle him? hurt him?' I can't think straight. I feel like I could easily have lost control and it scares me!
I love him and yet sometimes I feel like strangling him!? Is this normal? I feel so guilty even saying it. I'm ashamed of these feelings but they seem so primal I just can't stop them. I know we can't always be perfect mums but I never thought a small child could make me so angry.

Yes of course every mother can relate .. but you DON'T lose control and that is the important thing

It is extremely difficult to deal with a 2 year old at times .. that is why some of the behaviour modification techniques like removing from the room and ignoring are so good IMHO .. by the time you've picked them up and taken them out of the room .. you have calmed down enough for the anger to subside

'Blind' rages are a little extreme though and may need some working out .. do you ever feel like that with other people?

Personally I'd take this out of 'feeling low' where lots of people don't come and put it in 'behaviour and development' or 'parenting' (ie copy it over to one of those boards)

But know you aren't alone .. its normal / natural to get angry at the toddler your love

it's very normal...and you are 8 months pregnant...look what you're having to deal with at the minute...we all love our children to death but to feel like this isn't unusual...maybe if you start to loose control walk away and go into another room or ring up a friend...take time out...don't berate yourself...I've slapped my children and felt eternally guilty but it subsides and we have one hell of a time together....please keep us posted on your forthcoming delivery

Do you have someone you can call when this happens? My sister was always at the end of the phone for me (no matter what time) and that made the world of difference. Do you have somewhere safe that you can leave him? You know a room that you can put him in? It is actually incredibly normal to feel rage, especially in the condition you are in. What scared me once was realizing that I was actually only a small step away from being on the wrong side of battering my child. Not that I was ever tempted, but I realized just how far I had been pushed. I think that the fact that you can verbalize this is wonderful. It allows you to realize that you can call for help. Do you have people on hand to help? Is there a way that when it becomes too much you can walk away? Small children seem to know exactly what buttons to press and in all my life I have never known any other human being push me to the limits of despair or into such joy in my life. You're not alone, people just don't always like admitting when they feel weak. You have my prayers and I truly hope that you have someone that you can call on. I never needed to call my sister, but the fact that she was there meant that I never quite had to go to the place where all I wanted to do was chuck the baby out the window. hth (all children are very healthy for those of you that are worried).

Don't worry memum - it sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Your ds seems like a lot of work for you, especially with the pregnancy.
When my ds was born 4 years ago all mums were given a baby book funded by the NSPCC. Inside was general advice with regard to anger directed at children. iirc it advised that such feelings were normal and that recognising them was half the battle. If you know you have a tendency to get angry you can at least try to stem it before it takes you over. I know that's easier said than done - I find myself getting these red rages with my dh. If you feel it getting too much just walk away for a minute to cool down - put him somewhere safe like his cot and just go and calm down in the next room. Well done for being honest. If I was you I would try and discuss it with a sympathetic hv before your next baby - I think maybe you just need some emotional support.

Thanks for your message. Yes I should copy this to the parenting bit! When I say 'blind' rage its not blind as in I'm not sure of what I'm doing (ie; red mist stuff)- I just mean it feels like for a few seconds I'm so cross I just can't get my thoughts straight. Actually I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - 'the doubting disease!! so actually I do know that the feelings of 'did I do this' 'did I do that' are related to that largely! What a strange woman I am!! I'd never smack my little boy - as I can't bring myself to do anything that would hurt him. It just seems that I am sometimes so calm and patient that when I do actually get cross and it takes alot - I really do get mad beyond belief!! Does this make sense?!!

memum,

I totally understand what you're saying - I adore my little boy - but he knows exactly how to press my buttons which send me into a rage - I scare myself when I hear the torrent that comes out of my mouth - it's totally out of proportion to what he's done (won't put on clothes/hurry up/throws stuff on floor - you know, nothing terribly serious!) but when I'm tired and he has been tricky to handle all day long, sometimes I just lose it - I get no warning whatsoever that I'm about to lose it - I get the red rage too - I shout so loud that I sound ridiculous and I could throw him across the floor - I don't and I know I wouldn't ever - I'm going to try the counting to 10 and calming down, or leaving the room to calm down - but sometimes you just need a release I think. I hate it in myself so very much. You're not alone!

memum - sounds like you need to reduce your stress levels on all fronts then - as any anxiety disorder like OCD really does feed on stress. Tho having a tantrumming toddler isn't really conducive to relaxation. Are you being particularly troubled by your OCD/having any treatment for that atm? There is a very good book called "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer that deals with OCD/being troubled by unpleasant thoughts.

Could you do some work on your breathing - do some nose-breathing like at antenatal classes - so that when you feel wound up you can use that to help you get a bit more relaxed? otherwise do you get a chance for a break when DH is home from work to do stuff you enjoy?

Thanks for all your messages- Yes am awaitng help with OCD and yes - its another source of stress I could do without!!

Hi Memum - i can totally relate to your blind rage problem - I get there sometimes too - To me it always feels like im going insane - as if i no longer have control over any part of my mind or body - Search the archives for flippedmylid and youll find my particularly bad day story

Just knowing that you are not the only one suffering helps i think - and telling someone - HTH

Yes, im experiencing the start of things to come with mine who is 17 months old.
Today we have had a lovely day because we have been busy. Other days i feel like all ive done all day is yell at him "NO!"
This distresses me more than i can tell you because i sound just like my mother and dear God above i NEVER EVER want to resemble her at all ever.
He gets me madder than a very very mad thing like no adult has the ability to do!
Its strange isnt it. Its guilt guilt guilt at every turning.
I console myself however with the fact that he is a sunny, happy little soul who is bieng mischievous rather than naughty at the moment......
Despite my rantings.

Memum....they dont say the term "i could murder him/her" for nothing!!!!

I'm the same as you, My DD is 20 months and she seems to be testing me to the point that i dont know what to do. Im in circles, she hits me i tell her off, she hugs me and i cant be angry, now she knows she can hit me as long as she cuddles me after....shes constantly running off, switching off the tv........completely blanks me when i try to tell her no....The trouble is sometimes i get so angry i have to walk away and then she gets away with it!!! I've tried smacking her hands...she laughs, putting her in another room, and she stubbornly sits there. The only thing that works is sitting her on my lap and making her stay there until shes good. The problem being is she associates sitting on my lap as a bad thing.......

Im at a loss so if you find any answers....please let me know!