Just want out of this world

[Nootherwayout]

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know why I’m posting on here even. DH lost his job 3 months ago. The company didn’t want to keep him so engineered a reason to sack him. He appealed and the company upheld their decision. He did a subject access request to go to tribunal and emails were sent to him that showed that the company were doing all they could to get rid of him without his notice pay. The HR company recommended after the appeal that his contract be terminated with pay but the company fought them back and in the end the decision was changed. We will go to tribunal as CAB and several solicitors have said he has a good case even without these emails but that could take months.

He’s spent every minute applying for jobs since and he has got nowhere. He had a few initial discussions a few weeks ago which sounded great but came to nothing and a big interview yesterday that we spent hours and hours preparing a presentation for. It was a great, well thought out presentation and he always presents well but they gave the job to someone else as they felt they were a better fit. It’s not their fault of course, they have to do what’s right for them and they don’t know how bad things are for us but we’re desperate!

We’ve been able to borrow 2 months wages from DH’s parents and are so grateful but we can’t ask for any more. So at the end of this month we’re fucked. My wages don’t pay all the bills and we can forget eating! We haven’t told DS how bad things are yet but we’re going to have to tell him we have nothing.

DH’s mental health is on the floor, he’s so low and feels worthless. Whenever he isn’t applying for jobs, he just sleeps constantly. He’s gone from being so well respected and successful in his job before this one to being sacked and having absolutely nothing.

I just want it all to be over. I’m sick of pretending to be ok for DH when I’m not and I don’t know how I’m going to feed our child next month. He just said even though it’s shot we need to try to enjoy my birthday this weekend, but I couldn’t give a shit about it. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I would if it wasn’t for DS and our dog. I’m trying not to cry infront of DH so I’m hiding in the toilet but I know he’s been crying too because of his eyes. I’m on sertraline so I usually can’t cry but today just feels like the end.

Have you applied for any benefits OP? If you are on one wage you might be entitled to UC?

Also, have you tried the Olio app, a lot of people mention it on here, might help cut down on the food bills?

Sorry you are in such a horrible situation.

Definitely see what benefits you are entitled to, I'm not sure if it's still a thing but previously you could access a hardship fund if you were entitled to certain benefits
www.entitledto.co.uk/

Have a look at your outgoings and see what can be put on hold, reach out to companies or your bank and see if any direct debits can be reduced.
Speak with your GP about your current struggles and see if maybe your dosage needs increasing, please look after yourself

We haven’t up til now as he’s too proud. But we’ll have to this month for next month. We were certain he’d have a job by now. He’s so good at what he does and he works so, so hard. He’d work harder than anyone else, he lived and breathed his work. He never should have left his old job, it was his whole life and he worked so hard for the company that sacked him but they wouldn’t let him make any of the changes that were needed and they just threw him away to hide their own incompetence.

He’s applied for jobs he could do with his eyes closed but he doesn’t even hear anything back.

OP hugs

Benefits won’t help his feelings of worthlessness though. Yea gone from always go if above and beyond, working all hours and even weekends to nothing. 3 months of sitting around the house. He’ll probably end up on antidepressants too which is almost funny as we can’t afford the prescriptions.

I'm sorry op. This is so hard

Have a look at Step Change's Breathing Space scheme:

www.stepchange.org/how-we-help/breathing-space-scheme.aspx

Please apply for benefits right now OP. Too proud is just stupid when you're staring at not being able to feed yourselves. He's worked FT for donkey's years (I assume), so you've paid plenty into the system over the years. Benefits are there to support you when times are tough - which is now. So swallow your pride and his too and get your application in, because it takes time to be processed. I'm sorry you're in this shit situation, but it can (and does), honestly happen to absolutely anyone. There are millions of people up and down the country who are no more than a couple of pay cheques away from where you are now. You need to eat. You need to pay your bills. Get off MN and onto entitledto now!

We haven’t told DS how bad things are yet but we’re going to have to tell him we have nothing.

And re: ^ please sort this out yourselves and don't burden your DS unless he's an adult who can actually help. If he's still at school then all you'll do is worry him. Put on a brave face and sort it. I know you're depressed, but you and your DH are the adults here and sorting this out is your responsibility.

@maranella he’s not an adult and that’s why we haven’t told him anything up until now. But he’s used to having, not an ostentatious but reasonably decent life and there’s no way we can sustain that. There’s things he wants to do that we just won’t be able to afford so we’ll have to tell him something. We can’t sort it out anyway, even with benefits. He just needs a job and everything will be ok but we’re both doing all we can and getting nowhere.

apply for the benefits, think of them as a stop gap to get from A-B

I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. I empathise from multiple experiences (both of being unjustifiably let go from workplaces, and of being the partner of someone who has). I found the hardest thing to deal with was the sense of injustice. I couldn’t fight back against the company that ended my contract or that made my husband redundant - despite knowing that in both instances there were unlawful aspects. That was what made everything so hard and ate away at me. If I’m honest, I’m still a little bitter over a decade later. I’d have been able to handle it had either of us done something stupid at work and got fired - but it was being singled out to be gotten rid of that hurt, and then having to deal with the consequences. Ultimately, husband and I decided we didn’t want to work for other people any more and each started our own businesses after re-training/refocusing. Perhaps this is something your husband could consider? Not sure what industry he’s in now, but could he switch to a trade? Something he could set himself up as, rather than need to be employed as? I would suggest you seek some counselling if you’ve not already. You’re carrying a heavy burden. You need an outlet.

Firstly - apply for benefits, there is NO shame in that. Working families get it too.

Secondly - is he applying for everything and anything or certain jobs? Maybe he could just try anything for now and keep looking alongside for a job in his field?

I'm so sorry op, that is very shit for you and DH but I promise this storm will pass.

I really feel for you OP, you seem to be a nice person .

Please get your Husband to check what he (and you as a couple) are entitled too. There is no Shame in claiming and you genuinely need it at this time.
Good luck to your DH

@MillerMumma yes! It does feel like a massive injustice. It’s not just him that’s been treated this way by the company, there’s at least 2 others going through tribunal that he knows of. One had been there 15 years then… poof, out on their ear. He was only the 6 months and was promoted after 3, they were that pleased with him but that’s where it all went wrong and he wasn’t able to work magic (because ultimately, the service his team was selling is crap and he ended up spending most of his time apologising for the mistakes of others and fire fighting).

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks , he says he’s been applying for everything sales related but unfortunately, he doesn’t have many qualifications, he’s grafted his way from the bottom to the top over 20 odd years which is why, without be derogatory to DH, I constantly impress on DH the importance of getting a trade (he wants to be an engineer currently) And taking all the qualifications he can get his hands on whilst also grafting.

@Trinity65 thank you, we try to be good people, we work hard, volunteer in our community and try to be good friends etc. we just want a nice, settled life but it feels like everything is against us at the moment. If there is a god up there watching over is, he must have it in for us. I’ve prayed and prayed and begged for a break but I can only conclude that there is nothing 🙁.

I am so very sorry that you are experiencing this. I don't want to hi-jack your post but just to say I am going through something similar (I say this only to emphasise that you are not alone- in case that a makes you feel any better).

I have never claimed for benefits in my life (have paid 40% tax for the past twenty plus years) but due to loosing my job have had to submit a claim - whilst I look for work. I feel a huge sense of shame, like I have let everyone down and have failed, but have no other choice. I have been told there could possibly be a 13 week sanction for being dismissed - I would advise you to submit the claim as soon as you can whilst your DH obviously continues to look for work and/or retraining. It is shocking. I never ever thought I would be in this position.

I also worked my way up so am not that qualified but have lots of experience- have been thinking that getting a professional qualification in something (whilst working - on what I know will be a much reduced salary) may be part of the answer. I may have to sell my home or get two jobs (a day and night job) but it is possible. I know it probably doesn't feel like it ( I often feel suicidal) but we have to get through these difficult times. Please try not to despair , take time to do other things, be kind to yourself and take each day at a time. I can fill every minute of every day thinking about my problems - it doesn't help or change them so am trying to limit how long I give to them and distract myself at other times. Much easier said than done but worth a try? I do hope things improve for you soon and you get the help you need. I am sorry it is so difficult for you at the moment.

Seriously, I get it’s a tough time for you, but I take it you all have good health? 2 able bodied parents, 1 kid and a good relationship? Appreciate what you have, show some resilience, benefits while you both/your partner looks for a job and stop with the drama. Sounds like it was shit company to work for anyway.

I really do wish the best for you and your DH and hope things improve for you!
Saying that I do think the language you're using is very dramatic and perhaps you're catastrophising a little which won't help. Your husband has lost his job which is shit but he will find another. Nothing too awful has happened and nothing that you cannot make better. This isn't the worst thing to ever happen and I'm just saying that to reassure you everything will be ok.

Sending love OP

Being made redundant is dreadful. I still remember my redundancy (in 1991!) and at the time I had nightmares about it for three years afterwards. I did use it to retrain in an entirely new profession, which I absolutely love and which I would never have had the courage to do had I not been kicked out.

You will survive. It does get better. In the meantime please do claim everything you are entitled to, investigate food banks and Olio, that's what these things are there for.

Im sure there is gig work he can do or work in a restaurant or a shop , to make some money surely? Something is better than nothing while he looks? Needs must and I would work as much as I could doing anything to provide for my family as would my husband.
Do not pay anything but the most essential bills. Speak to bank about mortgage and if there are any arrangements. Come to agreements with any other creditors. Don't pay any non essential debts. Or if you don't want to go that route, if you've had a decent wage up to now surely you have access to some existing credit?
There's many many ways to survive this!

If he’s only applying for sales jobs he needs to start applying for everything. Night work in supermarkets pays above minimum wage - boring menial work but he can work hard, keep himself to himself and just get on with it.

he can’t be picky now about what he’s applying for

You can get through this OP. I agree with the posters saying claim benefits. This is what they were created for - helping out when times get tough or are really struggling to provide the essentials. Pride shouldn’t come into it even though you may feel uncomfortable applying. That’s what we pay our taxes for.

Its a huge shock to find yourselves in this situation. It takes time to get your head around such massive adjustments needing to be made. You won’t be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but you will get through it. I’d been conditioned to not accept help but the older and wiser I get, the more I think why the heck shouldn’t I accept help if I need it. It’s not a crime, it’s not a sign if weakness or of being useless. DP needs to apply for whatever job he can get and top up pay with every benefit he is entitled to if he needs to. Get any advice you can about employment, benefits, debt/keeping out of debt etc. This is a tough time but it’s temporary. Keep going OP. I never believed the absolute shitshow that my life became in in my 40s would ever settle into some sort of okay-ness. I had the lot - bereavement, domestic abuse, divorce, huge debts thanks to my ex, homelessness, poor health. Bit by bit things got sorted. Luckily we have a benefit system, we have places to get advice and help. Don’t be afraid to claim all you deserve and need💐.

Ask someone official for referral to a foodbank. Apply for benefits ASAP there's nothing to be gained by waiting.

Does it have to be sales can he do delivery work, warehouse work etc?

You don’t say how old he is but your son is probably more aware of what’s going on than you imagine, and also will cope with changed circumstances.

We have had a run of bad luck over the past couple of years involving a redundancy for me, husband's pay cut by 50% during Covid and subsequently him being ill and suspension of the medical he needs for his job which we are still fighting to get back.

Our kids have had to get used to having, but more impactfully I think, doing, a lot less. They’re fine. I’m proud of them. We talk about the situation, try to be optimistic, go out on walks together, spend family time together and I’m working super hard to support them at school. What I don’t do is share my catastrophising thoughts that keep me awake with them or moan in front of them.

Life is sadly unfair; we had a tragedy to cope with years ago, which helps to put things in perspective, but at the same time makes me fed up we don’t now get an easy ride. But reading the news helps to give my head a wobble, so many people in the world have tragic situations, makes me appreciate the good things we have (security, a benefits system, free healthcare). Someone once said, when you have a loss, creating something new can be helpful. I think there is some wisdom in this. It sounds very worthy but I find baking and fiddling with growing plants quite soothing and gives my brain a rest from worrying. I have created a rather capable girl guide leader persona in my head that shouts Pivot and Smile! at me when I’m feeling sorry for myself, and also I try and view the situation dispassionately during the day - like it’s a work project we need to get through. I hope some of that is helpful. Be kind to yourself and your son will be fine.