Another day of major blahs

[EmmaEmerald]

Cannot shake the blahs this winter

cannot motivate myself to do the basics, even work being neglected.

family friend died this weekend so that brings me down. He spoke at my father's funeral. He was a good age but it's still left me feeling a bit sunk.

I do feel so much better when I get stuff done but it all seems such a struggle.

seeing my best friend this week for the first time in months, lack of friends definitely gets me down, and I feel like I'm going to bite my tongue not to say anything about her not being around. In my head it feels a bit "over".... as I'm moving away and I really want to make new friends, the main criteria being that we communicate often. I have barely had a message from her the last few months.

I just wanted to get that off my chest. If you read it, thank you and hello! I am learning to live with being lonely but still find it a bit strange.

Just me?

trying to stop myself getting a cheer up dinner...meant to be dieting. Plops.

Literally no one? Floods of tears now.

Im sorry for your loss.

What's the place you are moving to like? Is it rural, a village, a city?

Do you think you will be able to go to things, on your own, to facilitate meeting other people?

It's a bit shit realising you're on your own isn't it? It's not fatal but there's no way of dressing it up by saying "oh, have a long bath or read a book" - doesn't work, frankly.

What do you do for work? What's your background?

I used to have an exciting and exhausting job that I loved during the week. Then from Friday night to Monday morning the only person I spoke to was the Asda checkout person as she scanned my vodka and red wine so, yeah, I've been there.

You are not alone. You are brave for telling us you are alone.

Due to circumstances, I've been left on my own in a new country for months on end, so I've been there too.

We moved and then my dh had to go back to the UK and for various reasons everything has taken longer than expected.

I joined an outdoor bootcamp and maybe 8m in, a woman suggested going for coffee and then doing other things and now we're friends. I'm friends with another woman that I worked with for a bit too. And I know people in our community now. - this was why I asked if there's something you can go to to meet people. It does take time though. I'm thinking of joining the library or a book club now too, and start getting more involved at a gym that I've joined, they have a guided walk this Sunday.

Just remember, if you go to something, lots of those people are probably in the same boat too and there for the same reasons.

Thank you both for your kind words.

Eyes I'm okay really. I spent most of the last year posting about it on MN but I'm okay now, I have stopped missing particular people and accepted I have to make a new start.

I am quite tense in advance of meeting so-called bestie because frankly, I feel unwanted. Or I feel "never make a priority out of someone who sees you as an option". A six month gap in meeting seems pathetic for a so-called best friend. She has a very busy job now and frankly I feel like a nuisance if I message so I stopped doing that. She has arranged to meet because of me moving. I am almost tempted to cancel. My number one thing in a friend is they need to actually communicate if they can't meet up.

TaRa I've no problems joining stuff to meet people. I grew up there - it's suburbia, I need to be near my elderly mother but there's groups to join. Atm I spend a couple of nights a week there and it's quite depressing to be around mum but otherwise it's a four hour round trip to help with stuff. I'm glad to be leaving London and my particular bit.

Anyway, I already have one friend there which is good. I should end up seeing my sister more often as well so I feel good about the move. Really impatient for it to happen. Had one fall through last year. Mum's already thinking she might die before I move. She talks a lot about dying, which is depressing.

I used to have a few people messaging daily and be out with them a couple of nights a week. It's the messages and calls I miss really. Realising you've got no one available just to chat with is weird.

On top of this, my brain just isn't working. I know that sounds but it just isn't. It is very reminiscent of the brain fails I had before I went on meds. I might need something supplementary or perhaps spring will help. Or perhaps it's how my brain processes the strain of the elderly parent problem.

Thanks for listening. I spend far too much time here but it's lovely for company.

Are things better for bith of you now? Sprry, I cross posted in my long waffle.

How old are you? Could it be peri brain fog? I had that last year, was making silly mistakes at work and now I'm on het it's gone completely.

I'm ok now, my dh is here atm but will be going back this week or next. And he'll prob be there until he comes back when I need to go to the UK for an event. We have dogs so both can't be over there at the same time. I'm ok because I fill my time and keep busy.

TaRa I'm 46 so it is a possibility. However, I have snapped into action when needed so I am not sure.

I think perhaps not having anyone to bounce ideas off, or share funny observations with, is taking a toll, if that makes any sense.

So you have to do a lot of back and forth between countries? That sounds hard.

No, I've only been back once in 3.5 years because of covid and then dh needing to be back there. I have a work thing soon though and I'm going to stay for a visit for a bit after that.

Well, I had lunch with my bestie. It was weird. I didn't say anything accusatory but she mentioned that other people had asked her why she wasn't keeping in touch. So at least I don't feel like it's my fault.

she said the "mustn't leave it so long next time" but from my perspective, moving away means it will be a big journey to see her. I'll see if she keeps in touch more. For me, friendship is kind of based on regular contact. I used to see friends as family. I guess I'm more of a people person than I thought.

she is very busy as a director, and tbh I found a lot of that work talk quite dull. Of course I understand it's her priority. Perhaps we are just going in separate directions. I'm going to make a big effort to meet people when I move and hopefully being away from the chaos of London will help.

We that could be positive, she recognises that she's not been keeping in touch. Maybe she will make more effort going forward?

I don't know, she was completely blank and blase about it at lunch. She is going on holiday with one of the other friends who mentioned it, so maybe doesn't have any sense of why it might look as if she doesn't want to be friends anymore.

of course I don't think anyone should badger someone to keep in touch, so I won't, but it's reasonable to think someone doesn't want to hear from you if they don't keep in touch or don't reply to your messages.

she arranged lunch because I told her about moving, that is what moved her to action.

It's probably not that she doesn't want to keep in touch, it's probably just life getting in the way. She asked to meet up when she heard you were moving, so she must value your friendship.

I think as life goes on friendship changes, by that I mean whereas once you'd all go out every Friday and Saturday night, a text every couple of weeks is where its at for a while, until people get more time.

I know I find it hard keeping up with everyone. Once you've finished work, had some dinner etc and sat down, the evening is family time and then I find it rude to message people late in the evening.

How else do you keep in touch with your friends?

fleur do you mean me or TaRa? Btw I love the name fleur.

TaRa I do understand what you mean. I suppose she might not be fully expressing herself. For instance, I don't mean any disrespect, but I do say in here, and to my bestie, that I find having an elderly parent incredibly hard. My friend's mum is much younger and touch wood, in good health, but there are indicators that she finds it hard too. She also has other extended family to deal with. So she may feel peopled out.

She worked abroad and we'd spend hours on the phone but perhaps with time and middle age, she doesn't feel like doing the regular texting and calling that she did. Before lockdown I'd say we'd be at each other's home once a fortnight.

I suppose for me, it has been a real joy to have such a good friendship, and a light in tough times, so I had hoped she'd feel the same. I don't talk about the elderly mum issues IRL. I occasionally post on the board here but generally I try not to dwell. So it's not that I've been bugging people with depressing conversation.

I don't want to get into a weird stand off where I wait for her to initiate contact and feel resentful if she doesn't. But then I don't want to message into a void either. Before lockdown, we always knew what the other was doing at work, at weekends....she has been to see shows etc and didn't even think to message to say that? It's a big change.