MIL Insecurities

[CantBelieveImAskingMNet]

Quick bit of backstory. NC as it's a teeny bit outing.

I do not have a relationship with my mother. She's toxic. Have never really had a mother, I remember basically being her marriage guidance counsellor age 8!!!

She's got alcohol issues, she domestically abuses my dad, she's cheated on him and well she's just generally not a nice person.

I've always been really on edge re my MIL. She's the most lovely person. Her kids think the world of her, tbf I do.

However I'm so guarded when it comes to her and my kids. It's like I want to almost keep her at arms length. I hate myself for it. Has anyone ever been in a similar position?

I can't quite just fully open myself to her and help. She does mind the children for me from time to time but it's usually on my terms. I struggle with them staying over at her house, massively. DS2(6) had massive sleep issues for first 4 years of his life, and he has multiple allergies and asthma. I'm very set in his evening routine and the thought of it changing freaks me the hell out. DS1 has stayed over at hers before, not that often.

Deep down inside I think my ultimate fear is that my kids will love her more than they love me because she's so easy breezy and kind, whereas I guess I'm 50% my mother so perhaps they'll end up hating me the way I hate her. Fucked up isn't it? 💔

Does anyone have any advice? I feel horrible about it. Should I go back into therapy? 😭💔

Thanks for reading x

Oh you sound like the loveliest, most thoughtful person, because you are trying to resolve what is obviously a painful situation for you. You are clearly very hurt and let down by your own mother and I wouldn't underestimate how much that will have affected you.

Is it possible that you can see in her the mother that you would have liked, and so you are at the same time drawn to her and want her love, but also terrified that she will reject you?

Is it possible that you are worried about her building a relationship with your children in case it excludes you and you get left out of that relationship too?

Could it be that you need to work on your trust of her first? Completely understandably and not because of anything she has done.

Maybe try to spend time with her AND your children? Suggest some days out together so you get to enjoy her company too.

Would you feel comfortable speaking to her about how you feel? Or asking your DH to explain it a bit to her privately so that she gets how you are feeling?

Also on a side note there is no way in hell your children will love her more. Children love their mums the most but it's also incredibly healthy for them to have lots of people who love them.

To be honest the way you can avoid a repeat of your own childhood is to love your children but also let others love them too. The more love a child is surrounded with, the better for them.

And yes I would say therapy is always a good idea :)