I haven’t posted in so long, my last post received so much love, I’m so grateful and the support touched my heart.
I’d like to say that I was feeling better but it’s just getting worse 😞
To recap -
Traumatic birth at 34 weeks due to IUGR - LO taken to nicu
LO stayed in nicu for 35 days
Eventually diagnosed with congenital hyperinsulinism
Mum passed away a week after birth from motor neurone disease
SEVERE ppd and ppa
my LO has been a inpatient twice now, once for a severe bout of constipation which was a awful experience and the most recent still going on, we are on day 8 now after what the hospital believe to be a virus. My LO went blue and floppy in my arms and had to be resuscitated, I thank god we were already in the hospital.
LO was iugr, due to his hyperinsulinism he is on restricted fluids which in turn means he is constantly hungry, constantly crying and not putting weight on as well as he would if he weren’t restricted. I’m not daft and I know this is going to affect him developmentally so the prospect of the future isn’t a comfort to me, it’s a dread if I’m honest.
Me and hubby are doing 12hr shifts where we can, we pass each other in the hall and that’s how we cope. Or rather don’t cope. Me and hubby are not getting along, he doesn’t understand my PPD, I know he is struggling too but we can’t seem to come together to support each other - we just take our frustration out on each other as we have no other support. LO is basically being weaned off oxygen which is a painstakingly long process thus far, we are facing another weekend in hospital. I am so grateful to them in treating whatever it was that he had on admission but they are horrific when it comes to his congenital hyperinsulinism - they try to take charge without understanding his condition at all and patronise me and dad who are in charge of all his meds etc as I don’t trust the hospital who own up to me they aren’t familiar with his condition.
My mental health is at a all time low, I’m massively sleep deprived and honestly, my anxiety is so bad, I’m just waiting for the thing that is going to kill my LO - ive thought about how I would unalive myself should it happen, and honestly I sometimes fantasise about it just to get some relief from the constant blows I keep getting. I’ve spoken to GP and perinatal MH team and they just aren’t working, I don’t want to go on meds as they make me drowsy and I can’t miss a scheduled feed/meds - I just feel at a loss. My whole life is dying in front of me, my LO is the only thing keeping me going and my brain just keeps telling me it’s only a matter of time before something comes for him, and in turn for me.
someone tell me PPD gets better, I can’t see a way out and I’m terrified.