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I thought I was doing well when I was actually failing

23 replies

OddshoesOddsocks · 10/02/2023 01:22

I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place but I know that I’m down right now so it’s as good a place as any.

I thought I was doing well at the moment, I seemed to be on top of things, work was ok, the house wasn’t too messy, I wasn’t nailing life but I thought I was doing better than I’d been doing for a long time.

Now I’ve been pulled up at work for being ‘slack’, customers are mentioning bits and bobs to the boss and since then I seem to constantly be nit picked for things. I literally had no idea this was an issue, I was blindsided by it.
The house is still tidier than it has been but it’s a fight and on a downward slope.
I forgot to do something for the drs so I’ve had a text to prompt me
The kids (particularly the eldest) are never happy and always criticise
I’ve got loads of birthdays coming up and I can’t think of ANYTHING

I just feel like I’m failing in every area of my life. I look like Shit, feel like shit and am clearly doing Shit even when I thought I was doing well. It’s constant and exhausting and I’m back to drowning when I’d tried SO hard to swim again. I’m trying so hard and I’m not good enough so what can I do?

i don’t think there’s an answer, I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:
FroggleRack · 10/02/2023 01:40

Oh sweetheart… :( I know exactly how you feel:(
Forget about the birthday stuff for now. Focus on just one small thing😊something manageable x

007DoubleOSeven · 10/02/2023 01:50

I’ve been pulled up at work for being ‘slack’, customers are mentioning bits and bobs to the boss and since then I seem to constantly be nit picked for things. I literally had no idea this was an issue, I was blindsided by it.

Is what work has said actually reasonable? Sometimes bosses come out with this stuff out of the blue when they've taken issue with someone generally and will interpret (or spin) every little comment by colleagues or customers/clients as a complaint when actually they weren't.

With regards to the rest of it, you sound overwhelmed.

How old are your children? Flowers

GabrielleChanel · 10/02/2023 01:53

Hello.
I feel you. It's 2am and I have been watching utter shite on Netflix
I am sure you have been doing better
As for birthdays I am sure ppl here can think of things..
who are we buying for?

OddshoesOddsocks · 10/02/2023 02:10

I suppose what he said was right and yes I agree with the spinning comments that aren’t actually complaints. I feel a bit like I’m being singled out and what I’m doing isn’t much different to everyone else but I’m getting pulled on it. Maybe that’s just my perception. As a business we’re on a knife edge at the moment so I don’t think it’s malicious I think he’s worried about everything running as well as it can and he’s honed in on the weak link which turns out to be me… who knew?!

The kids are 3 girls, nearly 12, 8 and 2.
The eldest is essentially like buying for a boy and the other 2 are craft mad. Should be easy but I’m just overwhelmed by choice and prices and deadlines and things being ‘right’

2 of them have just been diagnosed/referred with/for various SEN issues which has hit harder than expected. I knew it was coming but to hear the words and see the process move forward has been jarring. I don’t know who to worry about most.

im sad because work used to be my escape but now it isn’t, I don’t feel comfortable there now and I know that I’m needed more at home. I probably am slack because my mind is elsewhere but why didn’t I notice? If I’ve half arsed something it’s usually a conscious choice but this has made me doubt everything! Have I been unconsciously half arsing other things?

thank you for your kind comments x

OP posts:
Kate8990 · 10/02/2023 02:34

I know exactly how you feel. I'm so up down with my mental health (anxiety)
One minute I think I'm doing better and feeling ok and the next minute I'm having a panic attack. I wait till I can't keep my eyes open to try to sleep as everytime I don't my anxiety just takes over and I have to try and distract myself with something. I'm just so tired from it all. I'm currently unemployed. I left my last job for loads of reasons but one was because I was getting harassed and since then my MH has took a massive nose dive.
I'm starting therapy in 2 weeks so I really hope it helps. Sorry I feel like I've just made this about me. Basically I know exactly how you feel. I hope your situation improves soon.
It's understandable you have other things on your mind like your children. Have you spoke to work about it? Surely they would be supportive?

007DoubleOSeven · 10/02/2023 02:40

Are you usually a perfectionist at work? The other thing I've seen happen is perfectionists working at 110% then in times of stress dropping to, say, 90%. Everyone else works at 90% and don't get criticised but the person who's dropped from overperforming to performing averagely is pulled up on it.

If there's a way to inform work, ideally through hr that your mh isn't great I would do so as it puts an obligation on work to support you rather than haul you over the coals.

With regards to the presents, maybe stress less about them being "right". Do you know the 80/20 rule? As a perfectionist myself it's one of the best things I've learned to adopt.

I also think your 12 year old is old enough to understand that her attitude isn't always kind and unkindness hurts adults too. If it's ungratitude you're getting from your two eldest, well my parents would have responded with consequences and I think as a parenting style it's still valid.

Happy to come up with some present ideas if it won't overwhelm you (just let us know budget and favourite craft activity). Alternatively, ask your eldest two to help choose the presents you get their sister. Theyll like being involved and may give you some really great ideas! Actually, youre 2yo may enjoy this too :)

Im not going to tell you to stop worrying about the the SEN diagnoses as I know it isn't something you can switch off and it must so difficult dealing with 2 children going through this process simultaneously.

What I will say is that there's an adjustment period with any long-term diagnosis and it can feel a bit shock to go from something being expected to confirmed. It sounds like they're both getting appropriate support though which is brilliant - as you adapt to the diagnoses, you will all 3 learn more about the conditions and how to live your best lives with them. Ultimately what you learn will lead to skills that make life easier. But it's ok to grieve the loss of the lives you wanted for them. They will both be fine because they clearly have a mother who will do everything she can to support them and make their conditions easier to manage. They will learn such resilience and your pride in them will increase with every passing year.

Don't forget to save some pride for yourself too. You come across as close knit family so use that - it's a strength :)

how much support do you have - friends, partner or family? It's time to lean on them if you can.

Don't stress about the house too much - just do what you can because the less stress you put yourself under now, the quicker you'll bounce back and once you've bounced back you can deal with any domestic chores you've been putting off.

Focus right now on the essentials and in making your daily life as easy as possible. You are allowed to put one or two spinning plates down for a while! They won't break :)

Your focus right now should be in 3 areas, in no particular order: your wellbeing, your children's well being as they adjust to the diagnoses and keeping your head above water at work. Let go of everything else for now.

You've got this.

007DoubleOSeven · 10/02/2023 02:43

@Kate8990 it's takes time. Sounds like you need some time out, it's hard to accept but it's ok. Roll with it and know that you'll come through it and be more resilient when you've healed. Mental health is like the seasons. Be kind to yourself .

Kate8990 · 10/02/2023 02:50

@007DoubleOSeven Thank you 🥹 it really means a lot!

007DoubleOSeven · 10/02/2023 03:42

@Kate8990 you're welcome and remember, recovery is a squiggly line, not a straight one. You'll still be moving in the right direction

I thought I was doing well when I was actually failing
DragonsFurry · 10/02/2023 04:01

OP the work situation sounds not far off bullying or at least just poor management.

I’d consider looking for a different job it continues.

However, could it be anxiety? The present thing sounds like you’re feeling anxious.

Cantchooseaname · 10/02/2023 04:11

Is the SEN autism?
just wondering if you may have some traits too? Forgive me if I am miles off- the difficulty getting organised/ starting tasks, maybe mid reading some of the intention/ social stuff at work- it might be part of neurodiversity- like inattentive adhd, autism etc.
whatever it is, you need to be kind to yourself. It’s a hard road .

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/02/2023 04:15

Things don't have to be just right/perfect, they just have to be good enough. Please don't be so hard on yourself. ❤️

Onnabugeisha · 10/02/2023 04:16

@OddshoesOddsocks

You mention two of your girls have been referred for SEN. SEN often has a genetic link to mum and/or dad. So you may have undiagnosed SEN yourself which is common in women. Your symptoms sound very much like burnout, which people with ADHD or ASD are at high risk of developing. If your girls have been referred for either- you may have it too and be experiencing burnout. Which isn’t failing at life or being shit but rather swimming uphill with no accommodations for being NT. I mention it as a possibility because I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40s with ADHD. It made a massive difference to my life to get the diagnosis and medication- it was a revelation to be able to focus on things like life admin (doctors, kids school, birthdays) and not keep procrastinating or forgetting followed by panic mode.

Hope you are feeling better in yourself soon.

OddshoesOddsocks · 10/02/2023 08:07

Thanks all, this has been great to wake up to.

Those asking about the SEN and the possibility of me having it too are bang on. They’ve both been referred for different things but both ADHD which I definitely have traits of and have been putting off looking into myself. I’ve actually started the process twice but our drs is crap and I’ve never actually got as far as an appointment. It’s something I really should look into but I feel like such a fraud really. Growing up I knew something was wrong but it was always dismissed or laughed off ‘you haven’t got ADHD, you’re too lazy’ etc which I know is classic… I just can’t face it being dismissed again.

@Kate8990 you haven’t made it about yourself at all, thank you for sharing. I do exactly the same thing with sleep. I have to scroll until my eyes are closing or else my brain kicks back in and I’m overthinking again. I know this is SO unhealthy but it’s how I need to do it for now.

thanks again everyone, all your comments are so kind and genuinely helpful

OP posts:
Kate8990 · 12/02/2023 00:07

@007DoubleOSeven I'll definitely remember that, thank you 🙂

@OddshoesOddsocks Hope you're feeling a bit better about things now.

OddshoesOddsocks · 12/02/2023 14:28

Hi everyone,

just to update, ive filled in the GP’s online consultation form to arrange a phone call to discuss everything. This is the 3rd time I’ve done this but have never made it as far as an appointment for various reasons. Fingers crossed this is the time!

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 12/02/2023 14:50

Big step forward, well done op :)

Kate8990 · 12/02/2023 15:21

@007DoubleOSeven I wish I knew you in real life. I've seen you on a few posts and you seem so lovely.

Kate8990 · 12/02/2023 15:22

That's great news OP. Hope it goes well 🙂

007DoubleOSeven · 13/02/2023 01:52

@Kate8990 that's such a lovely thing to say, thank you 😊

Who knows? Maybe our paths will cross one day but you're welcome to message if you'd ever like to chat

LadyJ2023 · 13/02/2023 02:18

Get yourself to the Dr's. Best thing I ever did 6 years ago and at last the eventual diagnosis explained how I'm diffrent a little Autism. I've always struggled with work because I like everything just so, always struggled to make friends and a bunch of other things. Things always overwhelmed me. I'm 37 and got diagnosed with autism and since then I've had lots of help and support. I now get dla and a few other things which have been used to make changes that make my life so much easier. I always wondered why I felt different and I always thought I was a bad person because of it and after seeing the autism specalist several times I now know I'm just wired a little differently

OddshoesOddsocks · 14/02/2023 01:54

Me again! Just a quick update-

I had a phone appointment today with the GP who was lovely and really listened to me. She’s suggested that I may have PMDD which is essentially severe PMS and has prescribed anti depressants for me to take for 2 weeks of the month.

she has also put a referral in for ADHD. It’s a long wait but I’m glad that I’m finally on the list. It seems silly now that I’ve done it but I just couldn’t face being dismissed again. My ‘issues’ have been laughed at and minimised for so long, it was quite emotional to have someone really listen.

Thank you everyone for giving me the boost to finally do it x

OP posts:
mum2jakie · 14/02/2023 07:56

What a lovely update @OddshoesOddsocks Sounds like you're on track! Well done 👍

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