Question for parents: What would you say to me if I was your daughter?

[ireallycantthinkofaname]

I am probably going to regret posting this, but here goes, anyway.

I'm 21, and currently living at home with my mum and dad - I have a twin but they are at uni. I was, too, until earlier this year but dropped out as my mental health was awful: suicide attempts and an eating disorder which got so bad I spent time in hospital soon after returning home. I got a job, which I loved, but was sacked after 6 months (and they never really told me why).

Having been under community eating disorder services for several months with nothing really happening, my mum is now paying a private psychologist, who I think is helping a bit though it is early days. (For context, current dx are Anorexia Nervosa binge/purge subtype, EUPD, Psychotic depression, PTSD, and social phobia and generalised anxiety disorder, and I'm awaiting assessments for ADHD and ASD. I don't know how much of these are just services giving me labels so it looks like they're doing something or how much is actually true, though.)

I've been applying for jobs and am on benefits: so far I've had two interviews, and been offered both, but turned them down as I didn't feel either the work itself in the case of one, or the colleagues in the case of the other, were good fits.

The crux of the matter is this: I don't know what to do with my life; I feel so hopeless all the time. I have good A Levels and GCSEs (all A or A* or their equivalent) but no real qualifications. I don't know if I should look into studying again, but stay living at home; look for a job I can have a 'career' in; or what, really. I know I want to find a job (just not one that will make my mental health worse, of course), I know I want to pass my driving test because there's somewhere I want to volunteer at that needs a car to get to but my parents cannot take me as it does not fit around their work schedules.

A few people have suggested to me setting up my own business with a grant from The Prince's Trust but I don't know how it works, or how to MAKE doing such a thing work. Part of me, a large part of me, wants to curl up and die because I don't feel I will ever do anything or be anything that matters or makes a positive difference to the world. I don't want this part to win: I have many animals I care about very much, and who I will not abandon like that, even if continuing to live is agony. My parents both also have health issues which are exacerbated by stress, so I try and keep things from them (hence posting here - also because I want an impartial/outsider's opinion on things to offer some clarity).

Basically, if I was your daughter, what would you recommend I do at the moment?
TL;DR 21yo feeling very lost and hopeless and wanting impartial outside opinons on where to go from here, please.

I'd like to second what a pp said, "healing is hard work". It really is, we grow up thinking healing just happens but real, deep, healing takes time and effort.

Im a bit older than you but in a similar situation and well understand how lost you're feeling right now. Remember: you don't need all the answer right now. It's enough to just put one foot in front the other - in fact this is the biggest lesson I've learned in adulthood, just taking one step at a time with no idea what follows.

Full time education lays out our life for us, we always know what's going to happen next. In adult life, you rarely know. You take one step and figure out the next bit afterwards.

It's really, really hard when your life is on hold to illness and convalescence and you see your peers making strides in their own, but it's swings and roundabouts. They will hit their own blocks in the future while yours is going swimmingly. The old adage that life isn't a race its a marathon isn't quite correct; life is an obstacle course and everyone's is a bit different!

Things that have helped me: finding a bit of structure in my week and plenty of time to rest.

Are their any community projects in your area? Lots of districts have community hubs, gardens etc that not only take volunteers but involve people going through difficult times which mean you have an easy social group, activity and support with little commitment.

Choose one or two things that you schedule at the same time each week to give you structure - this might be a fitness class for example (I go to my local gym at the same each week).

It's overwhelming when there's lots of areas of your life to fix. Try and identify one that's the keystone. This might be learning to drive because it gives you independent transport and access to things which help. Or it might be finding a job because that will earn you money to do things which will help your recovery and give you structure.

When it does come to jobs, arrange an appointment with the national careers service who can help tailor your cv and support you through job hunting. Find a job which is easy, it isn't the time to be ambitious. Be clear on what you need or what you don't want in a job. Knowing what you don't want can be more helpful than knowing what you do.

On reflection, you might realise that a job is a step too far right now. It was for me for a long time. So focus on good food, good sleep, daylight, gentle exercise and an easy daily routine. Tbh, it sounds like you have some healing to do before you're ready for a job and that's OK.

It may not feel like it, but you have all the time in world. Live small for now, it will allow you to really strengthen your foundations so that in future you are mentally and physically robust.

Don't force work if it doesn't feel right. It will do when you're ready. Your peers may not understand why you take your foot off the gas and may urge you to be more proactive but you don't need to justify yourself. When it's time to push yourself a bit, you'll know.

You are learning to take care of yourself properly and what it takes to truly heal. Most people don't learn this until later life, if at all (which is why there are so many self help books next career progression books in book shops!).

Immediate, short term, medium term and long term goals are how to look at it.

Trust the process, its all going to be alright.

Hi. You've got an awful lot going on.

I'd leave driving for a bit as it's quite stressful and unless you really need it, it can wait.

Can you concentrate on the basics.

Get your sleeping pattern regular.
Get your eating patterns stable (as far as you can). - Plan your meals if you can, even if the plan changes.
Get some regular exercise/outside time.

All of these can be helped by some sort of work - either voluntary or paid, perhaps part time.

I'd avoid anything shift based as it throws of eating/sleeping routines.

Each day, find something in the next day that you're looking forward to/planning on doing (if you can't think of something 'enjoyable) - TV programme, contacting your sibling, even doing the Wordle.

Do you write a diary? It can be helpful to write down how you felt/ score your mood etc. Long term it can show you the rollercoaster of good days/bad days.

Treat yourself kindly. As Desiderata (Max Erhmann) says ' You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.'

I bet you won't! There are many gentle posters here who have children with your problems. Be patient with yourself and us!

Poor you. If you were my daughter I'd say:

good for you for seeing professionals who are helping you, keep going
Talk to your mum, don't hide things
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
Deal with the trauma that gave you PTSD, as best you can, with trained help
Practice self care, food, sleep
Give it time, you're so young still

First of all, if I were your parent I would tell you that you are loved and that you are valuable. Where you are in your life at the moment in terms of your mental health is just where you are in the journey at the moment. You are on the path at the moment - not at the destination. Things move on and change.

If you can be pro-active in your recovery by getting out of the house, doing things you enjoy, reminding yourself what makes you who you are, then that is useful stuff. Allow yourself time to rest and recover, but also allow yourself to take risks - some things work out in life, some things don't - but nothing is wasted. We are always learning.

I would say that if you are diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum or having ADHD, there is no shame to be had in diversity. Diversity is what makes the world interesting. There are challenges as much of the world is set up in a neurotypical way - but you can learn what makes you tick, what you need and how you can be empowered to be in this world too on your own terms.

In terms of work - it sounds like you've maybe lost a lot of confidence on losing that job. Maybe next time you are offered a job - take a chance on it - it may be right for you, it may be not - but you don't know unless you try it.

If you feel too nervous to take on a paid job, there is a lot to be said for volunteering. That's how I found my way into employment after years of terrible mental health - I volunteered somewhere that interested me, worked without the pressure put on paid workers, found out what I was really good at and then stepped out to do training and paid work in a field that I'm really interested in and have talent in.

You are only 21 - you have so much life and potential in front of you. Take one step at a time. Be kind to yourself and try to treat yourself well.

Good luck

Actually I've read your post again and I think you need to put future career plans and jobs to one side for the time being.

I believe the eating disorders you mention and what I know of the other conditions mean you are likely a perfectionist with higher standards of yourself than others.

These need to be addressed in therapy - they're not wrong per se, but they are unrealistic and it's a complicated web to untangle - why you feel like that, what it means if you don't meet your own standards.

Accept that you've stepped over the education and career treadmill and focus in therapy and life's basics. Live small. The rest will come, i promise xx

I would suggest you do some voluntary work that isn't too demanding in something you enjoy. Animals, the outdoors, working with people? Continue with therapy and building positive activities into your day. You could also look at whether your local authority has a post 16 support team for education and employment, sometimes they work with up to 25 year olds. If they do then you might have the opportunity to have a dedicated worker to get to know you and who can help you with things like how to set up a business, how to do the things you want to do on a practical level.

OK, here's what I know I would say to you, because I said the same to myself when I wasn;t half as unwell as you, and said the same to DS when he was heading in your direction:

Nothing matters more than you being well. Your future life will be so much easier when you have clear strategies to help you cope with any long term illness, and when you are healed as much as that is possible. I want you to take a year to get well. Don't put any other pressures on yourself for a whole year. Allow yourself this space. You don't have to apply for jobs. You don't have to earn a living. You don't have to try and get back to college. All those will come in good time, if and when you are ready. And you may be ready for some of these in several months or you may need the full year for recovery/ And that would be fine. But for now, all that matters is your health, physical and mental, and your well being. So please takle ALL pressures off yourself and make a promise to yourself that your focus from morning to night will be getting better. That is a huge job in itself. It will be tough often and sometimes it will be fun as it will need you to be very self compassionate and to do lots of things that increase your well being. But it will keep you occupied. To do it well, you need to give it your full attention. I will support you. You can live here and I'll give you some money each week. if you want to and feel it would help, you can do something small to earn a bit more, but nothing that exhausts or pressurises you. Something you can ditch on bad days and pick up again on good days, like selling on Vinted or Ebay.

Then, if you agreed, I'd sit down and come up with lots of different ideas on how to approach this, and discuss how not all will work but maybe all are worth trying.

Out of interest, how would you feel if your mum had delivered that speech to you?

For now I'd suggest finding some volunteering to do in the short term while you get better.

Possibly, after a while, combined with a little part time job?

Start small, consolidate, build up.

I wouldn't jump in to anything big first off. Much as you or people around you might want you to get onnnn with your life.

Biggest of hugs OP. You're only 21, you have your whole life ahead of you, concentrate on feeling well again and then worry about jobs etc. I'd say the vast majority of 21 year olds feel a bit rudderless regarding careers etc.

Are you close to your twin? Do you confide in her/him if you can't tell your parents how you are feeling?

I have 21 year old twin DDs and I'd hate the thought of either of them feeling like this and being unable to speak to me. I know your said your parents have their own problems but do try to speak to them.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you sound articulate, insightful and lovely. How can you say you got A and A* GCSEs/A level and then go on to say you didn't get any real qualifications!! That's an enormous achievement, fantastic qualifications.

If you were my daughter I'd give you a massive cuddle and tell you that there's no pressure to do anything until you are ready.

If you want to work and have no idea what to do I would suggest signing up with a temp agency and trying lots of different things with no pressure. If something isn't a good fit you can just ask not to go back the following week and if it all gets too much you can just step away. You'll get to see lots of different workplaces and environments and see what you enjoy. I'd also suggest looking at ways you can turn a hobby or a passion into a job.

Get a job. It won't necessarily be the perfect job but it will be a job nonetheless. With that job will come not only a bit of money ( that you can pay keep to your parents from) to put by for a car or whatever. Just as importantly you will gain confidence in yourself and your abilities. You might even make some new friends and widen your social circle as well. None of these things can be seen as negatives. Get back out there - take a job and change your life and outlook fue the better. Who knows, your mental health might even improve. Good luck in your future, only you can make it glowing.

Well done asking for help. Firstly I am going to say that the labels you mentioned are medical diagnostic tools and don’t actually define YOU. None of them specifically describe someone who cares so much about animals, or about stressing their parents out and exacerbating their illnesses. None of them describe someone who is intelligent enough to look outside the traditional boxes to seek help. I suspect if you become too bogged down in labels and definitions, (especially when you are so young and have had very limited life experience) you may begin to mold your character or persona around these, instead of allowing it to form naturally as a result of that big scary thing called LIFE. There is a saying that you should do one thing every day that scares you. I think that you began by writing on this forum. I’m proud of you. Why don’t you look at how you can challenge these diagnoses and see where your parents illnesses and stress response may have actually set off a pattern of behaviours that you can change? I’m absolutely not trying to negate or minimize these diagnoses, but to help you find ways of coping, evolving and understanding your own truth. Please let us know how you feel about this. It might be scary for you. It might excite you. Maybe both. Don’t jump in all at once. Just one thing a day.