Question for parents: What would you say to me if I was your daughter?

[ireallycantthinkofaname]

I am probably going to regret posting this, but here goes, anyway.

I'm 21, and currently living at home with my mum and dad - I have a twin but they are at uni. I was, too, until earlier this year but dropped out as my mental health was awful: suicide attempts and an eating disorder which got so bad I spent time in hospital soon after returning home. I got a job, which I loved, but was sacked after 6 months (and they never really told me why).

Having been under community eating disorder services for several months with nothing really happening, my mum is now paying a private psychologist, who I think is helping a bit though it is early days. (For context, current dx are Anorexia Nervosa binge/purge subtype, EUPD, Psychotic depression, PTSD, and social phobia and generalised anxiety disorder, and I'm awaiting assessments for ADHD and ASD. I don't know how much of these are just services giving me labels so it looks like they're doing something or how much is actually true, though.)

I've been applying for jobs and am on benefits: so far I've had two interviews, and been offered both, but turned them down as I didn't feel either the work itself in the case of one, or the colleagues in the case of the other, were good fits.

The crux of the matter is this: I don't know what to do with my life; I feel so hopeless all the time. I have good A Levels and GCSEs (all A or A* or their equivalent) but no real qualifications. I don't know if I should look into studying again, but stay living at home; look for a job I can have a 'career' in; or what, really. I know I want to find a job (just not one that will make my mental health worse, of course), I know I want to pass my driving test because there's somewhere I want to volunteer at that needs a car to get to but my parents cannot take me as it does not fit around their work schedules.

A few people have suggested to me setting up my own business with a grant from The Prince's Trust but I don't know how it works, or how to MAKE doing such a thing work. Part of me, a large part of me, wants to curl up and die because I don't feel I will ever do anything or be anything that matters or makes a positive difference to the world. I don't want this part to win: I have many animals I care about very much, and who I will not abandon like that, even if continuing to live is agony. My parents both also have health issues which are exacerbated by stress, so I try and keep things from them (hence posting here - also because I want an impartial/outsider's opinion on things to offer some clarity).

Basically, if I was your daughter, what would you recommend I do at the moment?
TL;DR 21yo feeling very lost and hopeless and wanting impartial outside opinons on where to go from here, please.

I bet I'll regret posting this later 😂

I'd ask you where you see yourself in five or ten years time and then help you plan how you were going to get there.

I would suggest looking at lots of jobs online and pull out 5 fairly junior roles that you might like.

You sound caring and thoughtful and you’re a good writer so maybe - admin in a charity? Most junior publishing role out there?

…actually you’ve had two offers and you didn’t take them so you’ve already been on the hunt. Basically my thinking is that employment can be emotionally protective and can help you form new socials connections and help you form an idea of what kind of job and life you want. Most people figure out what they want to do by starting to do something, and evolving their ideas from there.

What were the two you got and why did you reject them? I would suggest stopping looking for the perfect fit and instead taking a job with a view to trying it and getting another one in a year if you don’t like.

And continuing with therapy/other professional MH support throughout.

Early 20s are hard! You’re not the only one still figuring things out so try and see yourself in this time with compassion.

My DD was in the same postion you're in. My advice to her was to forget societal expectations and all the things you think you should do and instead think about what do you actually enjoy. What gives you pleasure? What lifts up you spirits. That's your starting point.

Oh you poor thing - you've really been through it, haven't you?

As a 45 year old who had a severe breakdown a few years ago and was subsequently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, my advice is to dedicate a good year or so (if your parents are able to support you) to getting better. Healing is hard work! You may find that, if you are diagnosed with ASD/ADHD, it gives you some answers and strategies.
I found that taking time out to work on my mental health (rest, exercise, sleep discipline, therapy) really helped me make some decisions about my career.

Good luck. X

Firstly, I think you are brave asking for help - it takes guts to do that!

Secondly, it sounds like you are overwhelmed and trying to make things perfect and if they won’t be it’s easier to give up. Sometimes mental health labels help and sometimes they can make us more miserable as it’s very easy to dwell on our failures. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now, maybe focus on one thing - a course in something that interests you enough to finish it. With jobs, you won’t always like the people you work with - a lot of adults have jobs they don’t like or colleagues they don’t like, you’re fortunate that you can choose not to work at the moment.

I don’t want my reply to sound harsh, I have gone through periods of severe depression and anxiety and sometimes getting better feels worse because we aren’t in our bubble of despair. You can blame things on being ill and you don’t have to try. I am much better now and one thing that helped was cutting the negative self talk.

Also, you’re only 21! There’s a lot of life left for living! Lots of 21 year olds feel lost. You can do it!

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I can read a lot of strength and determination in your post. I has similar mental health problems and eating disorders at your age. It was very very hard, and I don’t underestimate how much effort it takes to get as far as you have.

my advice:
it’s ok not to know what you want to do, and it’s ok to get a job that is just a holding pattern for now. It’s ok to try something and then learn from it and change. Don’t let yourself sink into a spiral of negativity - no one has the answers, and neither do you! You need to experiment and learn in a safe environment. It sounds like home is safe for you, so this is a great time and place to experiment.

try not to compare yourself to other people. We all have times in our lives when we are riding high and other times when we are struggling. Be happy for your friends who are happy. Your time will come.

Your next job doesn’t have to be the thing that you ‘do’ with your life. We put so much focus on qualifications and plans when you’re young but the truth is that the first few years of your working life are always going to be spent in jobs that are not that exciting or interesting - certainly nowhere near as intellectually challenging as school or university work. What you learn in these jobs is how to work hard, get on with people, and become more independent, even if the work itself is dull.

Try not to focus on things you can’t or don’t want to do and start focusing on what you do want and what you can do. Do you want some money? Some independence? To start a personal project on the side?

Personally I would advise against setting up a business unless you have a burning passion. I would say: find a job that gives you some money, some satisfaction, and some friendly colleagues.

I'd suggest you apply for a job - any job- that you thought you could do (potentially part time). Learn to drive. And work out what you want to do long term so we can then plan how you get there. I'd also say it's ok not to know now what you want to do long term, but equally (MH allowing) you can't sit around the house and do nothing while you figure it out.

Are you considering L3 apprenticeships? You will obviously need to find one that interests you which you might not know yet, but you might find it a less pressurised way to keep studying and get some work experience.

I would also suggest that at 21 you don't have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. It's perfectly fine not to. You have have many many years ahead of you. There is no rush. Find one thing that interests you now and that you think you can do. Don't worry too much about where it's going. I work with many people who had no idea they were going to end up here when they were in their 20s. It's so interesting to hear their stories of how they got here.

And older colleagues who are retiring all say, focus on what interests you, and what you can be curious about. Keep trying to
learn. And one day, without trying you'll look back and be able to see how you made an impact. Some things we can only see afterwards. Trying to predict the future is hard.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

There is far too much pressure to work. If you are not well there are benefits such as limited capability for work and PIP that you may qualify for. Getting a job just because it's expected of you won't help your mental health as it is just added pressure that you don't need at this time in your life. Look into MIND peer support groups as it can be helpful to know you're not the only one going through what you're going through.

Hi, OP. I think you need some support - some real life support, not just from an internet forum, and from someone who is not a parent/ related to you.

If you live near a city or town, there are usually places that support 16-25 year olds. It used to be called Connexions where I am, not sure what it is now, but it is basically a place in town where you can go and find out about all the services for young people, particularly things to support you with your career and your future, as well as mental health or whatever else you need.

There are services in some places where a worker will meet up with you, go for a coffee, talk about your CV etc in a casual, no pressure setting. I think this would really help you.

You could also reach out to your local job centre and ask if there is anything like this near you.

Sometimes it depends where you live but I think this is what you need to look for. Google "(your area) youth services" (replace with wherever you live) and see what comes up.

Also Prince's Trust can help in other ways than just funding you to start a business. They run courses that could help you build your confidence, for example something like this:

www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/get-job/boost-your-confidence

Forget about career etc

What are you good at? What do you love? What was your best subject at school?

To me, you sound a bit rudderless.

You also sound a lot like me along time ago.

I'd say that you need a passion, a reason to engage with life and try to help you find it.

Do you do art? Write? Science or maths? Make things with your hands?

I wouldn’t be putting any pressure on you to work at this stage, in fact I’d be advising against it.

I’d be helping you to look for volunteering in an area you feel really passionate about (you mentioned you like animals) so that you can do that a day or so a week, leaving you the rest of your time to concentrate on a healthy lifestyle and recovering from burnout.

If you were my DD, I would lovingly say to you that you need to chill the fuck out. I felt like I could feel your turmoil and anxiety just reading your op. The thought of my DD leaving my DS a twinless twin makes me feel sick, so I’d be supporting you in prioritising your MH and reaching a level of stability. Career, long term ‘life’ goals and all that societal pressure rubbish I’d encourage her to bin for a while, the comparison to her brother is irrelevant because she’s an individual, I’d just want her to focus on daily goals and getting to a healthy place mentally and physically with as much support as I can give her.

If she’s looking to work, I’d suggest a low pressure part time job just for the spends with a goal to perhaps start driving lessons when she’s ready, seek out some counselling asap if she couldn’t discuss all the darkest parts with me, but generally to just get out the rat race of life, do some crafts to relax her mind and focus on other things and basically just focus on one day/hour/minute at a time until she’s reached a place of peace.

As for not doing anything positive in the world, you’ve brought a tear to my eye and made me think about my own kids and how I don’t give a shiny shit about their “achievements” because their just being born is the most positive thing that’s ever happened to me.

Some really good advice here OP. My teen will probably be in a similar place in a few years time (diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, anxiety and depression) and I would repeat much of the advice here - take your time, be kind to yourself, start with maybe volunteer work or a part time job just to boost your confidence and experience. Very few people have the same job at 21 for the rest of their lives! Sending you a very big hug.

If you were my daughter I'd prioritise getting you out in the fresh air and sun, I'd try and get us on a cheap back packing trip or similar that you might want to continue without me initially.

Maybe kibbutz, fruit picking etc.

I reassure you that I put no weight on careers, wealth or achievements and I'd give you what ever time money and space to achieve good mental health and happiness.

I'd get you to do some personality and careers testing and encourage you to embrace your leanings.

My DD is 23 dubious physical health ADHD and dyslexic.

It's very true for me as a parent you can only be as happy as your unhappiest child.

Dd is doing well now but does need occasional boosters if she wobbles that its ok not to work conventionally, full time or within her industry.

Weirdly dd is I think sometimes envied by her more neuro typical highly achieving peers.

Remember no comparisons, no-one can do you as well as you.

If you were my daughter I'd start with a big hug and a box set, to be honest.

Then I'd encourage you to get into a 'good routine' at home - probably some of that would involve you taking over a couple of chores to be honest, because you need a reason to get up in the morning and a bit of structure to your day.

Then I'd encourage you to explore volunteering or further education. We have an excellent college near here where you could do something very part time, or very general (like skills for work or skills for further study). But all very low-level, a couple of days a week, supported with no expectations.

If I could afford it, I'd pay for your driving lessons.

And we'd just keep putting one foot in front of the other, wee pal. Cos that's all that we can do.

I'd say to my daughter to take care of herself first. There's no rush, you're still very young, and spending some time focusing on your health will always be beneficial.

I'd also say not to worry about the big, long term picture, unless you have a firm idea of what you desperately want to do (like if you want to be a doctor - not sure you can fall into that). Focus on one step at a time. After decades of experience as an adult, in my experience each step brings opportunities that you weren't ever expecting.

Give yourself time you don’t need to figure this out now. Heal make yourself feel stronger

and I would tell you I am proud of you for wanting to do this but that I love you and support you in getting yourself better as my only priority is making sure you are ok

As a 50 year old, I'm reading this wishing you had been my mum!!!! Listen to her words OP and heed her advice. You think you are now an adult and have to make decisions... maybe most of your life will be discovering all the things you don't want to do? Because as Michelle Obama says, we are always 'becoming'. What you 'want to be' isn't final. And my goodness if I've learnt anything, as a woman with recently diagnosed severe ADHD, GAD, treatment resistant depression, with cPTSD and a history of SH, OD's and ED's -it's this...life takes many twists and turns. Spend the time doing what is feeding your soul in a way that gives your life meaning - ignore what you think it 'should' look like and go with how activities/actions make you feel and what they give you. Start from there. There are so many jobs out there that you don't even know exist at this point that you don't think you are qualified for and yet really most of them are all about aquiring skillsets/common sense/ confidence.... and you'll find as they develop you might be able to do the same kinda thing in multiple disciplines/industries because you will discover you have a particular quality about you that brings success. Go with that. For the minute, do what makes you feel calm and secure and bolsters your self esteem - volunteering, pub work, working with animals, helping at a school, learning a new hobby at art school or evening college or taking part time classes, exercising... maybe even just start by making yourself a timetable filling up your week with things you want to explore? Do a course or a couple of classes of something you want to get good at, take a part time job that is just to earn some pocket money and meet new poeple that don't know you and allow you to just be you, dedicate another bit to doing yoga/running/hiit/swimming, whatever - walk someone's dog, help out a neighbour who needs it etc. Doing something that makes you feel useful to someone else is amazing at giving your life meaning and bostering your self esteem. I love that you have the determination and drive to be proactive and to work on looking at what you can do to help yourself. This already suggests you are going to be ok at some point and that taking time to work through this shitty period of finding yourself and becoming more comfortable in your own skin and more self validating will reap its rewards down the line. My last bit of advice...is DO NOT COMPARE yourself to your peers or your twin or your pals, you are on your very own unique journey just as they are on theirs. It is not a race. COMPARISOM IS THE THIEF OF JOY. You do you. Best wishes for your success OP. You've got this.

If you were my daughter I would tell you:

I love you, I’m sorry it’s been so tough, but that’s not a blueprint for the future. We travel forward, that’s all we can do. The past is not a prediction.

I’d tell you I’m as proud of you as any of my other children, in case you’re worried about comparisons with your twin.

I’d tell you that most 21 year olds are a bit lost. You’re not that unique in that way! I’d tell you I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and I made plenty of mistakes and missteps, and that was without any of the challenges to my mental health you’ve faced. I also felt lonely and lost and doubtful in my early twenties. It was a tempestuous time. I turned out all right in the end, and I’ve enjoyed the career I’ve forged. But the worrying I did back then was no help whatsoever.

I’d want to explore why you turned the jobs down and I’d want to tell you that working is useful in and of itself, sometimes despite or because of the work itself not being fun or where you’ll end up forever. You gain a lot just from showing up.

I’d prioritise your health and confidence - learning to drive so you can volunteer sounds like a great plan. And in terms of what next, I’d try to work through whether you wanted to complete a degree & if so if your credits were transferable, do something vocational or just shelve studying for a while.

Don’t think you need to have it all figured out. And don’t start a business if your mental health isn’t robust at the moment. Be an apprentice of life for a while.

If you were my daughter I’d give you a massive hug and say there’s absolutely nothing wrong with looking after your mental health as your top priority. You’d know what I’ve been through with mine and how I completely understand there are days when just getting out of the bed and dressed count as a massive win. I would suggest not looking for a job right now as I don’t think you are in the right frame of mind and that this could be the end goal once your health has recovered. You clearly love animal so echoing another poster, I’d volunteer to work in a place that looks after those. Because you have so much going on, I’d try to take a step back from anything that stresses you out- I say that as someone who was diagnosed with psychosis after having a very intensive high stress year. Learning how to drive can also be done further down the line … I say this because it was the reason my mental health broke down. I put so much pressure on myself to pass the tests involved, and put myself down SO much for everything I got wrong driving (only minor things, but it made me feel like absolute shit). Just take a breather OP, it’s okay to not be okay right now. Take your time, you will get there.

Trust me when I say very few people know what job they really want in life. I've worked for over 10 companies, doing MANY MANY jobs, and there aren't jobs I actively planned for. In fact, just 3 years ago, my job didn't even EXIST as the technology hadn't been invented yet.

I'm 46 and I still don't know what I want to do as job. But I know what I like, I like being well paid, I like working with people, I like looking presentable and if I look smart , I feel smart.

It's about baby steps. Next time you get a job offer, grab it with both hands and do your best. If not, find something else. The hardest part is to START. You can do it. I work with idiots and I wonder how they got their jobs. If they can YOU CAN.