Worried about DH

[Mumof3teenagers]

Background info: DH is very hard working but works away from home a lot. He has elderly parents, who occupy a lot of his time when he’s home. Three siblings, who do very little to help with regards the care of the elderly parents. We have some mental health issues with one of our children but it’s being dealt with and we’re getting there.
lately DH has been very distracted and quiet. I’m very worried cos this isn’t like him. He eventually opened up to me over the weekend and admitted he’s not coping. He hates his job now, he misses us when he’s away, he’s not coping with the responsibility of his parents all the time and he’s very concerned about our child’s mental health.
im so glad he’s opened up and I’m trying to encourage him to take time off work, work out a plan going forward and tell no one he has this time off. I’ll have time off work next week and we could work things out together.
He can transfer to a home/ office based job but it will mean a big drop in salary. I’ve told him to do it! We will manage, it will be tough, he knows that but we’ll cut our cloth. There are more important things in life and I really hate seeing him so vulnerable. He’s always been the strong one.
I really feel he needs support around this, maybe counselling or something. He really has had a very tough 3 years with his parents declining health and he is always there for them, for the smallest thing. He’s now feeling guilty that he may have to take a step back and mind his own mental health.
How best can I support him through this? I’m feeling lost and overwhelmed but not showing it. I really want him to transfer to an office job. He’s been working away half the time for nearly 20 years. I’d love to have him around and so would the kids.
I get it, he’s worried about finances but we’ll be fine. We have a few big debts but they’ll be cleared in the next 12 months.

Sorry for long post, I’m just so worried. I’ve never seen him like this and I’m afraid he’s told me too late and is experiencing burn out. How do I help him through this? I’m heartbroken for him.
TIA

Oh this sounds really tough. I think first step would be to get him to go to the GP and get signed off work. He can do that today. He should be honest with the gp.

Secondly I would absolutely push for counselling. Ask the GP first but they sometimes have long waiting lists. I believe there are charities that run counselling sessions for a reduced rate and there are organisations such as the Salvation Army that can help. It might be worth getting in touch with some men's mental health organisations too. Again encourage him to do it today.

I'd also get in touch with his siblings today and explain what is happening (to the extent he feels comfortable with) and tell them they need to step up as it's a crisis.

Also plan to get your husband out and about in nature as much as possible. Go for a long walk today in the fresh air and have a good chat with him

I'd explain to the siblings today what's happening and how it's making DH unwell and either they step up or they all need to look into paid carers or a care home (depending how bad it is) for their parents (obviously it will come out of their inheritance.)

DH, needs to go to the GP. I would try and get him in today or this week and get him some help.

I would start within the family first and tackle the issue with the lack of his siblings' support. That might be upsetting him most because it is disappointing and uncaring. If they won't help then he too needs to try to take a step back. Speaking from experience my husband landed up in A & E with a suspected heart attack because he was doing all the worrying about his mum while the others just took advantage.

@Holly60 thank you. He is refusing to see GP for now but has agreed to take 2 week off ( time owing ). He usually goes away for 2 weeks and home for 2 weeks, so 2 weeks off will give him a month at home if that makes sense.
I’m hoping we can talk through things in that time and I’ve said I’ll chat to siblings too, just to make them aware he’ll be stepping back a little. Obviously, he will still be involved in his parents care but I’m hoping the others will step up and carry some of the responsibility.

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks thank you. I’ll chat with siblings alright. The parents health fluctuates and it’s been a particularly hard 3 years. Something has to be done at this stage.

@Shampern sorry to hear your husband went through that. The stress is real. Even when DH is away at work, he is bombarded with phone calls from the parents about everything from bills to be paid to doctors appointments. They forget he’s away and they have 3 others, close by, who they could call on. He has had to rearrange work so many times recently to accommodate them and can’t ever switch off really from it.
Doesn't help that he’s not happy at work either at the moment. I’m not sure which is causing the most stress work or caring for his parents. Maybe a combination of both to be honest.