DH says my anxiety is too much for him

[feelingblue1922]

Bit of context - have always suffered hugely with OCD and anxiety from childhood. Mainly at that time it was focused on excessive hand washing and rituals. My parents never noticed (or did anything about it) and so over my life, it has gone untreated and got progressively worse.

When I was a teenager I had these ocd symptoms coupled with an eating disorder and my mum used to shout at me and tell me how selfish I was that I was putting the family through this. My anxiety at that point would lead to crying fits, binge eating, throwing up and excessive worrying and asking people for reassurance that I hadn't done something terrible (intrusive thoughts started), My parents sent me to therapy (talk therapy) which I never felt helped - but I also had some mindfulness therapy and went on medication at this point.

Things didn't really improve, I think I just got better at hiding the symptoms and had really unhealthy coping mechanisms.

When i became an adult, I knew I had to get some help. I had a course of CBT as if thought that would be The right way to try and tackle the problem. I've done loads of courses online, paid for private treatment and gone on and off medication now for the last 5 years in order to try and find solutions. The medication I was on for around a year with varying doses from Gp and different tablets and none seemed to make a difference to me.

Im not delusional, as I know that I have often been difficult to live with and that I can be a hard person to be around but I try really really hard to not tell anyone the extent of how bad it is day to day.

Now I'm pregnant again I feel like it's got even worse and my DH is sick of it. Ive been worrying about things to do with the baby, pregnancy symptoms, handwashing, my toddlers hygiene, imagining scenarios like standing on infected needles in the park and worrying constantly that something bad is going to happen.

Now, my husband is saying he's had enough. He says my anxiety ruins even basic days out as he never knows what is going to trigger it and he is out of ideas. I'm scared he's going to leave me.

I'm pregnant, we have a 1 year old and I don't know what to do, has anyone been through anything similar?

I reached out to the mental health midwife's last pregnancy and found that they didn't help at all they just phoned me constantly!

This is excellent advice... Can I ask what helped you fuel the anger enough that it could drown the fear/anxiety?

@feelingblue1922

Are you aware that there are tertiary level services for OCD in England?

(Primary=GP, Secondary=Consultant Psychiatrist, Tertiary=Expert, usually a professor)

The Tertiary service for OCD is here:

www.hpft.nhs.uk/services/community-services/highly-specialised-services-for-obsessive-compulsive-disorders-ocds-and-applied-neuroscience/how-to-refer/

Professor Fineberg is excellent.

Have a chat with your GP or Psychiatrist about a referral.

Good luck.

@Rowen32 honestly, it was when I stopped to think about how much bad stuff had happened in my life despite me doing rituals and everything I could to stop 'bad' things happening to me - they still did and do no matter what i did.

And when I realized how much of my time it was taking up, and i just had this sort of surge of anger that I had wasted so much of the best time of my life being ruled by this fear. I put up such a hard exterior that I basically said to the OCD 'person' in my head every day 'do your worst' and when my worst fears didn't happen the hold this 'person' had over me lessened and lessened.

I had to work at it - every time the voice was saying as an example 'you need to tap the light 3 times otherwise something will happen to your dad' I told it to fuck off out loud.

Now, I am pretty much free of these thoughts - I don't pay them attention and they have no power over me now.

That's it for me - i think of OCD as a dark forced person trying to take over my brain, a bully if you like, and I think you need to stand up for your life, for your quality of life and not let this person do this to you.

Oh OP, I completely feel your pain my love, I actually have a thread currently in the relationships form as my partner has just told me it’s over, we also have a 2yr old. My anxiety and associates need for control and all encompassing obsessiveness has just got too much for him.
Anxiety is crippling and debilitating, I have now sought help and am improving but it’s come too late for us and has cost me the best man I ever met, please take heed of my warning and push for the help you deserve, you don’t need to live with it, you owe it to yourself, your husband and children to defeat it and hopefully save your marriage. If I had acted sooner to overcome my issues I know I wouldn’t be in the position I’m now in. Good luck my love.

op, i'm so sorry you are experiencing ocd. i have ocd and haven't found an effective way to manage it. it's horrific and isolating for me.

you sound exactly like i was - after dc2 my ocd really ramped up.

DH has threatened to separate and divorce. i feel very alone and feel like i've got no-one i can rely on.

i 've had so much nhs therapy but not the right therapy and i still have ocd. i really don't live, just get through the days.

i've felt suicidal and dreamed of it but haven't done it because i don't want to cause even more problems for DH and DC.

i am functioning but do the minimum as anything else makes me shut down with fear and distress. I'm too able and capable to be able to get any long-term disability benefits as i don't need any "help" but not "normal" enough to lead a normal life.

i've gone back to NHS therapy and will be requesting to be admitted as an in-patient to help me deal with the effects of treatment as i really cant cope on my own.

please don't end up like me. please get the help you need and don't let the anxiety take over to the extent that it has in my life.

xx

my point is - keep going until you find the right medication and treatment to improve your situation.

i'm wishing lots of positive thoughts for you.x

Hi OP, I have horrendous anxiety and ocd too although the ocd is mostly internal. I’m sorry people are being so unsympathetic. It’s all very well telling you to get help but it isn’t that simple as you know. A therapist can’t give you a guarantee that everything will be ok and I know that’s what you want because I want that too.

What I would say - as someone else said - is that you need to get the physical stuff in order first. In fact I’ve made a note to remind myself because I’ve been having far too much caffeine. So cut out caffeine and alcohol, do yoga, mediation, breathing, maybe Wim Hof stuff so a cold shower after your warm shower is great for slowing your heartbeat, and vigorous exercise.

The thing is that it won’t necessarily cure your anxiety but if you don’t do those things then any therapy you try won’t work because your body is so full of stress hormones. If you try the above things you may find that you don’t need to do anything else. Try some self help books as well, such as The Power of Now because they can snap you out of a downward spiral.

Don’t blame yourself x

Yes, its exhausting both for yourself and your husband. I have been on both of the sides.
Pregnancy and motherhood often escalates things as you are pushed to the limits in every aspect of your life.

Have you tried any of the body orientated psychotherapy or treatments? Thinking craniosacral therapy, somatic experiencing, shiatsu, biodynamic massage, TRE therapy , kinesiology, joga, feldenkreis method etc? Or someone who specialises in motherhood issues?

As others have said, there are perinatal teams which can be hard to access but which are incredibly helpful - ask your GP? Anxiety can get worse during pregnancy and if it is already high, that can make the situation pretty intolerable. I hope it works out for you.

@feelingblue1922

Have you ever been assessed for ADHD or ASD? I got diagnosed with adhd when i was in my 40s and your experiences sounds very similar to me, right down to eating disorder as a child, trying every type of ssri and never getting better, intrusive thoughts uncontrollable anxiety and ocd. Google adhd in women and see if anything sounds familiar. My symptoms get worse with my cycle and got much worse in pregnancy but it took me another 8 years or so to get diagnosed.

Anxiety and ocd are both comorbidities of adhd, as well as depression. Woven are very commonly misdiagnosed because they don't fit the adhd stereotype.

Women not woven.

OP - I also found my OCD was being encouraged by the fact I had inattentive ADHD - its a hyperactive mind rather than hyperactive behaviour. Worth googling inattentive ADHD and see if that applies to you.
I hope you are OK - and I hope you can see the replies are much more encouraging and positive now you are on the right thread.

Oh great, another twat makes a shitty comment and an OP leaves their own thread. Brilliant. How supportive this place is…

OP see your Gp about this. See if you can get the right referral. Pregnant women are often prioritised in mental health services so now is the right time.
OCD doesn't always completely go away but you need to get on top of it. There is help out there. Maybe you just haven't found the right thing yet.

How would you feel mental health in midwifery would better support you?
Your husband maybe exhausted but I would be concerned about the atmosphere your children are enduring.
If you imagine yourself being well/your anxiety being managed and supported what would that look like? Who would be involved and how?

I see others have already posted this, but your behaviours and worries in childhood made me wonder if you are on the autistic spectrum. It might be something worth exploring to help you understand yourself, and help others to understand you. There are a lot of resources online if you wanted to see how it presents in girls/women.

Wishing you well

Thank you so much for this, I'm really going to try that..how did you differentiate between what was OCD and what wasn't... Mine all centres around contamination/things being dirty which after Covid is really complex as so much things we wouldn't have thought of as being dirty suddenly became so, this means I can't even go back in my mind to what I used to think before as Covid put such blinkers on everything...