DH says my anxiety is too much for him

[feelingblue1922]

Bit of context - have always suffered hugely with OCD and anxiety from childhood. Mainly at that time it was focused on excessive hand washing and rituals. My parents never noticed (or did anything about it) and so over my life, it has gone untreated and got progressively worse.

When I was a teenager I had these ocd symptoms coupled with an eating disorder and my mum used to shout at me and tell me how selfish I was that I was putting the family through this. My anxiety at that point would lead to crying fits, binge eating, throwing up and excessive worrying and asking people for reassurance that I hadn't done something terrible (intrusive thoughts started), My parents sent me to therapy (talk therapy) which I never felt helped - but I also had some mindfulness therapy and went on medication at this point.

Things didn't really improve, I think I just got better at hiding the symptoms and had really unhealthy coping mechanisms.

When i became an adult, I knew I had to get some help. I had a course of CBT as if thought that would be The right way to try and tackle the problem. I've done loads of courses online, paid for private treatment and gone on and off medication now for the last 5 years in order to try and find solutions. The medication I was on for around a year with varying doses from Gp and different tablets and none seemed to make a difference to me.

Im not delusional, as I know that I have often been difficult to live with and that I can be a hard person to be around but I try really really hard to not tell anyone the extent of how bad it is day to day.

Now I'm pregnant again I feel like it's got even worse and my DH is sick of it. Ive been worrying about things to do with the baby, pregnancy symptoms, handwashing, my toddlers hygiene, imagining scenarios like standing on infected needles in the park and worrying constantly that something bad is going to happen.

Now, my husband is saying he's had enough. He says my anxiety ruins even basic days out as he never knows what is going to trigger it and he is out of ideas. I'm scared he's going to leave me.

I'm pregnant, we have a 1 year old and I don't know what to do, has anyone been through anything similar?

I reached out to the mental health midwife's last pregnancy and found that they didn't help at all they just phoned me constantly!

You can't help how you're feeling. Neither can your DH.

I would sit and talk to him about it, tell him you feel sad that he feels like this but that you want to things to be better too. And assure him that you're going to get help.

The gp has treated her before and as such can refer her again, of,course they are appropriate.

Ask you HV and midwife for support. I also note that autism spectrum disorder often presents in teenage girls via ocd and eating disorders and you might in time want to get assessed. It can help you make sense of how you are responding. I hope you get help and support. Your husband has been honest and you do need to look for longer term input.

You can't possibly know whether she needs onward referral now or whether she needs more complex specialised intervention.

Whatever your problems, OP, they are as nothing to those of @feelingblue1922 . Anyone who is so desperately unhappy, inferior or just plain malicious is in a far worse place then you,

I’m sorry but so many people have absolutely no idea how horrific OCD is. It’s nothing to do with wanting a clean house or just something you can simply change and tell to do one. It is incredibly debilitating. I hope you have support in RL and can get some advice on the mental health board instead. I would definitely go and see your GP again and get them to refer you. It’s a horrible way to live and you deserve sympathy and love to get you through it. Please ignore those posts with unnecessary comments and insults.

What medication are you currently on? You need to talk to your GP, now, be referred if need be. You need to get to grips with this. Have you tried all AD's? If not, after the pregnancy, you should try again and also more counselling to try and get a handle on it. I understand how your husband feels, I couldn't stand it either.

I had issues trigger by first pregnancy. My poor husband bore the brunt. I couldn't leave the house. One day I got so mad at myself so went to the doctor. He did sort out meds which worked. Then pregnant again it came back. So more pills. Came back once more stressful house move a doer upper. So pills again.

I read a book "Feel the fear and do it anyway"

I finally realised that my anxiety wouldn't kill me, racing heart, nausea, dizziness would pass eventually. Knowing that removed the severity, length, and number of occasions my misfiring brain would kick off.

Now I say to myself bugger off to my symptoms you've no power over me. And it does.

Ironically I've had serious health issues which I was Zen about while I was being treated. OH worried more.

Diet is important, I try to avoid stimulants, junk food drinks

You have been given lots of advice about things you can consider to improve your MH.

I have a neuro condition which means my OH has lots of caring responsibilities - and it can be rough having a partner with additional support needs. This isn't to place blame on you or make you feel bad, just to ask you to consider things from his perspective. Part of which must be that he loves you a whole lot to be with you. But having a chronic health condition is a LOT to deal with. You know this.

Often the focus is placed on the person with the health need, but it can be incredibly helpful for the partners and other family members to get support and advice from the carers trust or similar. There will probably be a local group that he can turn to as well. Just having an outlet to share his feelings may be all that is needed.

Anyway the TL:DR You are a couple and a family - you have to support each other and not place the focus solely on you.

Hi, OP. We hope you don't mind, but we're going to move your thread to our Mental Health board - we hope you'll get some good support there.

Would talking to a group help or hypnotherapy?

@RollerCoaster2020 What an awful thing to take the time to type out.

@feelingblue1922 It sounds like the help you've sought out and got wasn't suited to you. The way you talk about your parents it seems like there could be some unaddressed worry you experienced long term when younger and this is how it manifested? If you feel anxiety your mind searches for a reason to justify it. Can you perhaps find a local therapist with credentials in dealing with what you're experiencing? They might be much better at helping you work out exactly where this came from and how to move on from it rather than (as many therapists do) just dealing with what's happened recently, treating causes not effects basically.

OP, my son has OCD and it's very hard to deal with. It's exhausting as a parent so I can imagine it's even worse as a partner. Well done for being aware of this and wanting to do something to change your life.

You've had great advice here so please focus on that instead of worrying about one nasty response.

Please go back to your GP our midwife and ask for help. MH charities such as Mind may have more specific advice for things that will help.

💐

That does sound very difficult OP
You need to go back to your GP and ask for treatment for your anxiety disorders

It is very difficult to step around and your DH of being open and honest with you that you must ask for help with this it will have a lasting impact on how your DCs see the world and how you cope as a family.

Your DH is being open and honest (not of being open and honest)

I’ve suffered badly from anxiety and I found it really hard. Like you I would imagine the absolute worst scenarios and they would go around my head. It made me jumpy, quick to anger, jittery, frustrated etc etc.

It is honestly hellish, wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I was very difficult to be around for a while so I understand your husbands difficulties.

OP there is a way through this. I didn’t get on well with SSRI but I know others have been hugely successful with this treatment.

I took beta blockers (which don’t affect your brain but they calm your physical symptoms). I also stopped drinking for a while (I now drink in moderation). I took a course of CBT which challenged my thinking patterns.

Im not going to lie and say I never get anxious now. I do! But I have lots of tools to help me and stop me spiralling.

The treatment worked well for me and my life is wonderful now! The transformation has been amazing.

there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to work hard at it which I imagine will be hard with a little one and baby on the way. Why not speak to your OH about an action plan that you both agree on.

My son had this - the handwashing. He has been seeing a psychologist and it is under control now. Both my partner and I have a touch of very mild OCD which has lessened as we got older. I hope you can find a solution.

I have OCD and have been with people who have OCD. It’s bloody awful to have, and it can be very, very difficult to live with people who have it. I think most people don’t know that the worst part is often the intrusive thoughts, rather than the compulsions, and being on the receiving end of someone else’s is illuminating, if daunting to cope with when you’ve also got your own going on.

There are various drugs that can help (I’m not sure which you’re on now) but it’s a balancing act. Peroxitine removed any creativity from my brain and made me fall asleep at my desk. I came off it because I realised that, for good and for ill, a lot of my ability to think and create is tied to the horrible manic energy that can be ocd. The bad can be very, very bad, but I’ve decided that without it, I’m not me 🤷

I doubt that will help all that much, but just wanted you to know that there are people who have come through it and found ways to live with it. Good luck to you and your DH, I dare say he’s probably not planning to leave you, and his frustration is understandable if unhelpful.

As others have said it is exhausting living with someone with mental health issues- not that this is going to make you feel any better. I think the important thing for you to focus on is what you can do to help yourself and therefore help your family and children. I grew up with a mother with a severe anxiety disorder- I didn’t really understand how abnormal a lot of my thinking was until later in life thanks to the fact i modelled m’y thinking in her (so for example then j would have thought worrying about standing on needles in the park was a valid concern, now i can see it is not).

It is hard when you feel like nothing works and no one understands it but it’s also easy
to fall into a helpless pit which then makes the thinking worse. Having children was my wake up call because i realised how much i was passing on to them whether i intended to or not. I would go back to your doctor and ask for a referral to a MH specialist. If you can afford to go private i would and i would also talk to Mind about possible therapies that could help that you haven’t tried.

You can be sceptical of everything not working but the more you say this the more you’re going to fall deeper into your mental health issues. The hardest part about mental illness is having to fight so hard with yourself- don’t view everything as a huge mountain, just take the first step. I often tell myself i have to go therapy but can leave after 5 mins if i don’t feel like it. the days I have to tell myself this are often the days the most comes out in therapy! Unfortunately no one is going to rescue you- you have to show up and do the work, for yourself and everyone around you.

Hi OP. That sounds really tough, for all concerned. Well done for being able to post about it on here, and for being so frank about where you’re at and the damage it’s causing. I have no real advice — sorry — but definitely think recognising the seriousness of the issue is the first step, and you’ve taken that. As others have said, I think it’s time to talk to your GP. Also, just because talking therapies and CBT haven’t helped in the past, I wouldn’t dismiss them altogether; sometimes (as with medication), it’s a process of trial & error before finding what works for you. Good luck, OP. X

Hi OP, so sorry you are going through this. OCD runs in my family and I had unrecognised symptoms as a child too (intrusive thoughts, needing constant reassurance, obsessive thinking etc). It is horrific and debilitating to live with so I really sympathise with you.

My symptoms got a lot worse after birth and I was put on Sertraline which helped enormously. It took a while to get the right dose and to feel any effects but I stuck with it and things are so much better now. My partner said similar to yours and we reached many breaking points in the early days, but, honestly, sticking with the anti-depressants made a monumental difference! We are still together many years on and life is much calmer and happier for both of us now.

I would really suggest speaking to your GP about how you are feeling, even if you haven’t found treatment effective in the past. I never thought anti-depressants worked for me but I hadn’t given them enough of a chance. I now wish I’d gone on them much earlier as I would have saved myself years of torment. I have just completely stopped ruminating and tying myself up in knots - I still get some worries but I am able to let things wash over me now which I could never do before. I am also a better partner and mother because I am well and able to function effectively: when your plane is crashing you have to put on your own life mask first before you can help others.

Lastly, try not to beat yourself up; it’s not your fault you are unwell and we all have our challenges. Just try and focus on getting the support you need so you can be the best mother to your children.

OP, I suffer from crippling anxiety too.

Similar to you, I've had medication, counselling, CBT, and so on.

Medication takes the edge off slightly but the ONLY thing I've ever felt that's really tackled it is hypnotherapy.

There are different types of hypnotherapy - I don't get on with the type where they regress you to childhood etc but I have found solution-based hypnotherapy extremely powerful. Working with a hypnotherapist you trust, you are given suggestions that you can let go of the anxiety. You need to listen to the sessions at home regularly between your actual sessions to get the maximum benefit, but they're usually only about 20 minutes long. It's strange but you find the anxiety just doesn't raise its head as it would usually do. It's very effective.

Hypnotherapy really works for me - it's not a magic cure but it makes it bearable. You'll have to go privately but I really think it might be worth a try for you.

You are not broken
There is nothing you need to DO about anxiety
Its what you must STOP DOING
Anxiety minus ritual = cure
Whatever you do when you anxiety peaks (wash hands, ask for reassurance, Google symptoms) is what you must stop doing, let the anxiety peak without reacting and your body will learn there is nothing to fear and your anxiety levels will regulate over time
If this sounds too simple, it’s because it is simple
But it’s not easy
Google “nothing works weekly” have a read and let me know what you think
You can do this OP

Sounds hard on both you and your DH.

I've dealt with crippling anxiety before, and the only way out was through. With anxiety if you keep avoiding your triggers to feel safe, you end up making your world smaller and smaller. Nothing will get rid of it apart from facing things slowly. No need to overwhelm yourself, just one thing at a time.

Write a list of 10 things, with number 10 being something you couldn't imagine doing and 1 being something which makes you feel a bit uneasy (so for a nervous driver for example, 10 might be driving on a motorway in rush hour in europe alone, and 1 might be popping to local shops during quiet hours with DP in the car). Start at number 1. Remind yourself that it might be unpleasant but you can handle it. Each time you tick something off the list, you're making your world bigger again. Good luck :)

I'm not sure why it's ridiculous for the OP to worry about needles in parks. When my brother was little, he picked up a needle in the park.

I personally got a slide/swing for my garden when my kids were little as I was fed up of dog shit and broken glass in our local park. I've walked my dog at that park today. There was a lot of broken glass that I had to steer him away from. This is a normal sized park in a middling area. Everything about it is completely average.