I don't know how to deal with this- I think I'm very ill

[tworedtomatoes]

Hoping someone is around, I just feel like I need someone to talk to.
I became very unwell before Christmas and was booked for an urgent psychiatrist appointment but this isn't until August. Very low moods, suicidal thoughts, I think I was delusional and couldn't sleep.
Since New Year I've tried really hard to look after myself, exercise eating well self-care and I've been feeling better but literally an hour ago my mood has absolutely plummeted
I'm now starting to have weird thoughts that my eldest child isn't really mine 😥I know it sounds insane but she's out with DH and I'm having to stop myself from texting him and telling him that maybe we need to split the family, so she is "his" and my other DC is "mine". I'm in tears writing this because it's so hurtful and I know it's utter rubbish but the thought is so strong in my head. I think it's like I'm trying to punish myself. I also keep thinking maybe when they get home I just take the car and drive somewhere remote until the morning.
I just don't know how to cope with these thoughts. I don't want to talk to DH about it. No one else knows I've been ill.
I do want to say my DC are safe and have no idea about this either. I don't want anyone to get the impression that I am putting them in danger. They're absolutely fine and I'm managing day to day. But I think that is part of the problem, I'm like a robot doing mum things and inside these thoughts are making me feel like I'm going mad.

Thank you for reading.

When my dd was a baby I remember having a thought that she was going to kill me when I was older. And when she was a newborn that I could throw her against the wall.

In both situations I was very stressed, anxious and sleep deprived. I remember the thoughts being really disturbing and distressing. I never told anyone.

I think what helped me was reminding myself they are just thoughts, it doesn't make them real. Like having a nightmare when stressed or worried about something.

I have never had anything like it since but I recognise when I feel myself starting to get really stressed and i lol after myself.

Is there someone you could speak to?

Sorry that should have said when she was older, not I.

Do you have a crisis team contact OP? If not, MIND are excellent to talk to. This sounds very distressing for you, could you maybe try and distract yourself with some excercise, outside if possible?

Oh OP this sounds so hard to manage.

Does your DH know what’s going on?

I hope someone with more knowledge will be along shortly, but I would contact your GP out of hours today, or on Monday - ideally with your DH also there - and say you need help as a matter of urgency.

There are community psychiatric teams and there will be a way of getting you assessed an onto appropriate medication a lot quicker than August.

Hi OP I have had psychosis in the past. I think that you are recognising that the thoughts are unusual / odd is a good thing. It shows self awareness.

I think it might be useful to talk to someone. But try not to worry too much as worry and stress can makes it worse.

That sounds very very hard OP. I have suffered with delusional thoughts before and it is terrifying. I don't think anyone reading your post thinks your children are in any danger, only that you understandably sound very worried about how you're feeling.

I know it's so hard when everyone thinks you're fine, when the gap between what you're pretending to be and how you actually are is so huge. Can you try to talk to your husband about it? It sounds like you are aware that the compulsive thoughs you're having are irrational / false, which is a positive thing, although scary for you.

This isn't your fault, so try not to punish yourself. You might need to reach out for a bit more help though. Wishing you all the best x

Also, a thought cannot make you do anything. A thought doesn't mean something will happen. Thoughts are like clouds in the sky, that come into view and then pass. x

Thank you for the messages everyone. It is nice to know I'm not alone.
I did have odd thoughts when my children were very little, which I put down to being overtired at the time.
This feels quite different, in that I feel I'm on the edge of being able to keep it in and control it whereas before I knew it was "normal" in that I had a very young baby and wasn't sleeping.

I have told DH but I just don't feel like he understands, as much as he tries to. He will say things like "well you're okay now so it's all fine" which I know is trying to make me feel better.

That is the problem though, I want to punish myself. There is a big part of me that wants to suffer. I don't think I deserve to be here. That's what I told my GP, and that is why I was told to visit a psychiatrist.

@Orangesandlemons77 with psychosis do you tend to think the odd thoughts are normal? I am due to be assessed for BPD but I have no experience with it, only that GP thought my symptoms might be indicative. I don't know if it is just that or could be something else too.

Hi OP,

This kind of intrusive thought sounds like OCD, I had it and it was monstrous. Really hard to keep under control and I felt I was going mad.
How old are your kids? Can you reach out to anyone sooner -back to your GP, or to IAPT? I found going on antidepressants made the world of difference to me and these thoughts. X

Hi OP. I am not a health care professional but I do have several psychiatric disorders including OCD and Persistent Delusional Disorder (which I think are the most relevant here) and I might be able to contribute something useful.

These kind of thoughts that your child might not be yours, and becoming obsessed with the notion, ruminating on it and maybe performing other compulsions, is a really common OCD theme in mothers. Worrying that you will "go mad" or are already delusional or otherwise psychotic is a really common OCD theme in OCD sufferers generally. I know you've written that you feel like you really believe these thoughts now, and maybe you do and you have crossed into delusion (it will take a psychiatrist to judge that) but I have read so many posts on OCD forums where people say the same sort of thing with the same insistence. There's something about the way they write about it that makes me (and others on the forums) recognise it as almost certainly OCD and nothing more (though that is more than enough!) and it is never a surprise when they come back and say that they have been reassessed and had it confirmed that they are not psychotic.

Your posts here are, to me, comparable to those many posts on the OCD forums I read. You asked another poster here if people with psychosis recognise the odd thoughts as normal. I'm not saying that everyone with psychosis has no insight at all but I can tell you that the things I believe that have led to me being diagnosed as allegedly psychotic (I have to say allegedly because I really don't believe I am) are things that I absolutely know to be true. Being told by multiple professionals that they are literally impossible hasn't changed that one bit. I had been in the mental health system for OCD and other things for over 10 years before they even came up in conversation with a therapist who sent me back to the psychiatrist. I never mentioned them before because it never occurred to me that they could be symptomatic of an illness and I still don't believe they are.

I don't know if you've looked at OCD but if not I would recommend doing some reading about it. I can't believe that you're waiting 8 months to see a psychiatrist. My trust doesn't do things that way (GP referring direct to psychiatrist) and it certainly doesn't take that long for anyone to get an initial triage appointment with the mental health assessment team, it's more like one month. Could you go back to the GP and try and make it more clear how much you're suffering? You do need to be assessed whatever the nature of what's going on.

When I had psychosis in the past i simply believed it was true, for example I was in hospital and thought the doctors were trying to poison me, rather than treat me. This kind of thing. I also felt that things were linked up, so I would have reasoning that for example it was something to do with an organisation which was trying to hurt me. Sort of paranoia.

I was also very physically unwell and afterwards the psychologist i saw told me it is linked to stress. That we all have this kind of switch we flip into psychosis with unrelenting or sever stress and it can differ from person to person.

I can now think back on it and see it was not correct but at the time and for quite a while afterwards I was convinced I was right and everyone else didn't understand and was trying to convince me otherwise.

@Februaryschild2023 My oldest is 8, my youngest is almost 2. So there is a chance I suppose it could still be post natal? But it really doesn't feel like that. I am thinking that medication might make me feel at least a bit more balanced in general. My highs and lows feel so extreme.

@flourella thank you for your advice, that's really helpful. The GP and psychiatrist appointments were made through our health insurance- DH to be fair did nag me to ring up again and try to get an earlier one, I just haven't had the energy to do it. I will ring up on Monday and see if I can get one. It does feel a very long time to wait and I do feel quite scared going that long given how much worse I feel. I think I was burying my head in the sand a bit.

@Orangesandlemons77 thank you for clarifying, I definitely know that the thoughts in my head are unreasonable so I'm assuming it's not psychosis. It does feel like when people describe a little voice in their head telling them to do things, but it is one I can disagree with? And I know that it's wrong. I feel a bit more normal now which is nice but I never know when it's going to happen again, and it seems to be more frequent and more extreme every time.

It sounds so frightening for you.
Can you bring yourself to tell DH how bad it is, and ask him to contact GP explaining you need urgent help? Show him this thread if you think it will help, but it seems that you've successfully hidden how bad it really is, and he needs to know so that he can support you.
I wasn't quite clear about who the appointment is with - if it's private, I think they should be able to offer you an appointment much sooner than August. Even NHS can do better than that when there is a crisis, and it sounds like this is a crisis.

Definitely sounds like OCD. it can be debilitating and relentless.

The way it works it by latching on to your values. So the fact that your children are probably the most important things in your life, that makes your thoughts around them the perfect target.

It will grab on to a passing thought (one that you wouldn't normally notice) and put it under a microscope. Then your body will react which then fires up your anxiety.

Get yourself on a SSRI and you'll get control over your thoughts again

Good luck xxx

I've just had another low again, because DH and my eldest were talking about what a nice day they've had. And I just thought "well, she's not mine, is she, so of course they'll have a better time without me." and I had to walk away and go upstairs for a bit.
It's so exhausting.

OP you booked an urgent private Psych assessment but it’s not until August? That’s full-on irresponsible of the secretary booking it. If he/she can’t book you within a reasonable timeframe (usually 3 months) he/she should be referring you to someone who can see you, and that’s in the normal course of things.
Given that this is urgent (does the referral say urgent?), I would have said privately you should be seen within a month.
Phone up and get it moved waaaaaay further forward. All the best xxx

Op I am really sorry you are going through this, it must be really scary.

I really think you need to tell someone because holding all of this in will make it worse. I know your dh is a bit like a typical male with these things but try and write him an email or text and say you are serious and that you are sending up flares because you don’t feel right and you can feel it is getting worse and that you need his support to ring the health insurance people to bring the appointment forward. Men usually respond better when given a specific task!

Good luck to you and if you can’t confide in your dh, and tell your family, or a trusted friend, your gp or anyone who can help. Maybe a local family centre? We ALL need help at various times in our lives. Asking for help is a very brave thing to do, it is not weak at all, so don’t feel embarrassed.

Hey I know this is an old post but just wondering if you had any improvement? Currently going through something very similar myself