Living a life of passion, joy and colour

[Orangeradiorabbit]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Summary: I'm struggling to create the time and energy to find the joy in life. Life feels like a succession of tasks. Is this a normal part of "being an adult", or are people really managing to live everyday with passion and make joy in the small things? If so, is living a "full life" hard work, or does it come naturally?

More context below if you want to read, but it ended up quite long.

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I'm mid-to late 30s, and have everything on paper: I'm highly educated, with a good job, great pay, a loving partner, recently bought my own house and I'm child-free by choice. However, I find that my life feels like a list of tasks, and I wonder if this is it until retirement - and if this is just how "real life" is?

As background, I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home and we didn't have much. In my early 20s I spent a lot of time sleeping on sofas and in very low pay jobs, and in lots of debt. I always got through life fantasing about a different future, focusing on getting through "this", thinking that better things were to come and if I worked hard things would get better - and my material circumstances have vastly improved, mostly through getting lucky with education opportunities. But now I'm "there", I'm left thinking "what now? what next?".

Day-to-day I work from home. My job is fine, but I don't enjoy it. I get distracted often (e.g. Reading mumsnet - haha), but still deliver and exceed expectations. I'm an introvert and have no real-life friends (other than DH) or hobbies. I don't enjoy leaving the house. Doing these things feel like too much hard work. I have 2 confidants I talk to online, but I often have to take "social breaks" from them due to feeling socially overwhelmed. Daily hassles- if I have a personality clash at work, for example- really get me down, and I reach for food and alcohol crutches.

Health wise, I go for days without showering. I've been told when I do go out the house I look homeless. I don't bother with my hair or wearing nice clothes. The evenings I crash in front of the TV - normally with a few beers and a packet of biscuits- due to no energy after working long hours + household chores like cooking and cleaning. This seems to eat all my energy. I know this isn't healthy and I can sometimes pull myself out of it for a couple of weeks (no drink, daily exercise, showering, taking walks outside) before going back to the status quo. I'm an emotional eater and the only thing I look forward to is eating and sleeping, and eventually retirement. Is this it for the next 30 years?

I look on Instagram with envy - I know it's curated. But I see people living full lives, and doing and enjoying small things: taking walks, sitting in the sun while reading a book, cleaning and organising their car with pride. I want to do these things deep down, but it also feels like so much effort and energy with no real "reward". It feels too dark and cold to go outside at this time of year.

Anyway, I've probably made everything sound worse than it is. I laugh, feel loved and have everything I need, but I get though life via unhealthy habits and I'm not living life to the full. I feel like I know what I could do to make things better, but it feels like so much effort and energy, which I struggle to drum up and keep up long term. Maybe I'm just lazy.

Is this how life is, a succession of tasks with a few moments of joy in between? Or are most people living fulfilled lives? If you feel fulfilled: Are you working hard every day to make the effort to live life to the full - is it a struggle, are you battling through low energy and motivation? Or does it just come naturally?

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you made it this far.

Had a similar upbringing/outlook on life before having lots of psychotherapy. (If you can afford it, do it - it will help!)

I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home and we didn't have much.

This is likely what you need to address - this is still in your mind as a possible cause, so might still need to be processed. Your past might have caused ‘broken beliefs’ which then cause unhappy feelings which then colour your day to day experience of the present.

The feeling that life is a succession of tasks is true if you’re living with a mindset that only the end goal or some future vision of perfection matters. Sounds like you’re not living in the present, so you miss out on or you might be unconscious of the natural fluctuation of feelings in the present moment. You likely have lots of happy, contented, joyful moments in the day but if you’re always focused on that (perhaps unconscious?) end goal, you’re going to miss out on experiencing them. (Listen to Eckhart Tolle on YouTube about presence).

Unhealthy habits/addictions can be self-protection (lots will label them self-sabotage, but really it’s about self-protection and an attempt to keep yourself safe from feeling u comfortable/painful feelings. Look up Dr Gabor Maté (YouTube interviews, books) on addiction, childhood trauma etc.

Once you become able to tolerate your painful feelings and stop running from them, you’ll be able to feel them and process them and you’ll become more adept at riding the waves of all feelings, including joy.

Laziness only exists through a capitalist lens - wanting to rest is simply you feeling a need for rest! Your body is asking you to stop, listen, feel, process, recover.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. Your post is so thoughtful and provided a perspective I hadn't considered before. I'm going to look at the content you suggested on YouTube. I'm also going to prioritise seeking psychotherapy- I briefly considered this in the past, but never pursued the idea. It sounds like working through and processing my past could help. Thank you again.

yoyre very welcome. With psychotherapy, be prepared that it can feel worse to begin with as what you’ve been avoiding comes to light, but it really is a worthwhile journey.

The book 4000 weeks addresses this instrumental and future oriented approach to life (I'll be happy when...these tasks are done, the next tasks are done) and suggests some ways to overcome it.

@Highdaysandholidays1 thank you for the book recommendation, I'm going to order a copy. It looks really interesting from reviews and the synopsis.

@Littlemountainhum thank you for the "warning" re psychotherapy. This is good to know upfront. I found a therapist near me and booked my first session for Monday 😊

I mean you do sound a bit down, especially about neglecting personal hygiene, that's often a sign of depression, so its really hard to tell what's going on. An app like Finch (the free version) could help with getting a self-care routine, it may be worth speaking with a GP as well. I agree the therapy is a great idea.

I think with these things there's not one obvious answer as in many ways you are doing quite well, but don't feel satisfied with life and you feel there's something wrong, so it is worth keeping trying different things til some make sense. For me it's a combination of low dose medication and relaxation/meditation and I've had therapy in the past. It's worth putting effort into this as you deserve to have a happier more fulfilled life.

Thanks @Highdaysandholidays1 , I never thought of trying an app or speaking to GP either, but these are good suggestions. I'll check out the app and consider a GP appointment for the future. You're right about trying a variety of things to find something that helps.