Self-hate.

[LittleDitto]

I’m absolutely not in any way thinking of harming myself. I’d never do that.

I’ve always struggled with self esteem in every aspect of my life. I absolutely despise myself! I’m super critical about my appearance and I hate it. That’s getting harder because now I’m 45. I’ve never been any good at anything. Never had a career. I’ve spent my entire life never feeling I’m good enough and never will be. I was incredibly badly bullied as a child/teenager and that is what’s cursed me and has stayed with me.

Now I am becoming truly mentally exhausted with it. Really, really shattered. There’s no respite from the self criticism, sabotage and hatred. I don’t like living with this mental load. I’d never think the awful things I think about myself about other people. Even people I don’t like! It’s crippling me, and it won’t go away.

How do you deal with these things? I’ve tried all the self help tips there are and nothing works. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed to be me.

Your core beliefs - the way you see yourself, the people around you and the wider world - develop between around the ages of 4 and 10. They are, as far as you're concerned, absolute truths.

If you didn't have positive experiences growing up you will develop mainly negative core beliefs - "I'm not good enough", "People are inherently nasty", "The world is a scary place". The problem is that, at the time you absorbed these 'truths' you didn't have the ability to think about them rationally and logically - "is this true? what's the alternative view?" - because your conscious mind doesn't begin to kick in until the age of about 10.

It IS possible to challenge and change these beliefs. It's something I help people with all the time by talking to your subconscious mind - which is where all these thoughts and views reside.

This article on core beliefs is really helpful;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

I could relate so well to your post @LittleDitto and i have seen myself the same way. I tend to be my own worst critic and would never treat anyone else how I treat myself. I fully agree with what @Eyesopenwideawake said. If we are mistreated or bullied at a young age, we tend to internalise all of these messages and they are not true. I'm not sure if therapy would be an option for you. I had a few bad experiences with therapy until I came across a therapist who was around my age and who had been through so much of the same things I did. At times it helped just to get all of these thoughts out of my own mind and to be validated by someone who understood. Hope you are able to do something kind for yourself today 💘

eyesopenwidewawke thank you so much for that information, I had absolutely no idea about any of that at all. After reading your link it really makes sense. I think back to that time and all of the things I remember around then that have stuck with me so vividly. Things that were said to me and how I was made to feel. So many memories about how I saw myself physically and how I perceived myself with what I was capable of. I was always a disappointment to my busy parents and would keep things from them because I was afraid of bringing shame. Expanding on that would take all day, but I was always deemed an academic failure and felt awkward about being so big and ugly and just a total inconvenient. (I was so desperate to just be liked and feel wanted and fit in.)

cocopops11 I am so sorry that you feel the same. I’d never even wish this upon my worst enemy! It’s like a life sentence, and although I fully realise everyone has hang ups, I sometimes feel so envious of everyone else because they all seem to be confident, successful and have things to show for their lives. (Just as a tiny example, I have so few photos of myself because I have so much self-hate. Pretty much nothing of me with my children when they were young and growing up. I avoid cameras wherever I can. I can’t stand to look at my own image and it’s becoming more intense as I age. It actually distresses me to the point I feel ill.)

I really don’t know if therapy would help me. I’ve considered it, but I’m such a cynical person I don’t think it would work on me. I wouldn’t be able to believe what was being said to me. I can’t imagine ever being able to think well of myself. That almost seems like a negative thing in itself!!

human brains are so complex. I wish bullies knew what damage they do. Not just the other kids, but teachers and other adults who were supposed to be the ones building us up for success.

Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis. It might not be right for you but all the things you are feeling come from your subconscious mind so that's the part of you that needs help.

I’ve just stood in front of the mirror and I’m disgusting. Truly the ugliest person I have ever seen. I’m shockingly ugly and I know I’m going to look like this to the world. I can’t change it. It’s 100% fact. Ugly saggy big face. Not mutated but really very very ugly, like a latex puppet.

And ugly = worthless.

Tell that to Bella Emburg. To Kathy Burke. To Lesley Sharp. To Bette Midler. To Barbra Streisand. Etc, etc.

And try smiling the next time you look in the mirror.

And this is why I’ve always been a failure.

Only good looking people succeed in life. Only attractive people are given opportunities.

when you’re as ugly as I am you’re good for nothing and everyone will laugh at you!!

I could have written that OP, I was a disappointment to my mother as a child, now 46 and have never felt any real self worth or sense of achievement in life. Ditto feeling hideously ugly too (you are certainly absolutely not, by the way, but there’s no point telling you that since objective fact doesn’t have much to do with it!). Eyesopenwideawake’s post was really interesting.

what helped me was antidepressants - it’s not for everyone so I hesitate to recommend wholeheartedly - but I found (after several rocky weeks of getting used to them) that although I still believed the negative things about myself (I’m ugly, I’m useless, people are laughing at me, people are sneering) - those things stopped mattering so much. So instead of obsessing about how ugly I was, and then feeling hopeless and depressed, I would be like oh yeah I look a bit shit, and then be able to carry on with my day and enjoy life again.

Not sure if that makes sense - but anyway I send you every sympathy - and hope you find a way to deal with it, it’s awful xx

Just say OP that you are ugly, does it really matter? Can you just accept you're never going to love the way you look and make peace with it. Does anyone really care beyond some kid who has self esteem issues themselves and tries to make themselves feel better by putting others down? Of my friends and the people I work with their looks are irrelevant, I like them because they're nice, it's literally that simple. And the nicer they are the better they look IMO.

My advice would be to start doing nice things and notice yourself doing them, smile at people, hold the door for them, notice when they're not themselves, offer a little bit of help here and there, comment on something you like about them, say you love their hair/top/necklace/how they handled something - being complimented is such a lovely thing and people really appreciate it but don't do it enough IMO. This goes for your kids as well, do something nice with them everyday, read to them, play with them or make something. Be a kind good person who doesn't expect too much back, just do it for yourself. Then whenever you feel that you are not good enough because you don't have a top job or a model face or a porn star body, tell yourself that you are a kind, good person, remind yourself of the kind/good things you've done with your kids or for other people and remind yourself that actually that is what is important in life - not those other superficial things.

As you can probably tell this is definitely something I also went through in my younger years. I'm still not very comfortable with having my photo taken but I'm much more comfortable and content with who I am. I know self esteem in general (or mine at least) is a fragile thing so I am very protective of it. Be gentle with yourself, and if things consider then definitely speak to a professional about it, no one should have to go through life feeling like this.

• and if things don't get better then definitely speak to a professional