Had enough of my life

[wherearetheturtles]

Something needs to change.

Everything in my life is so shit.

I cry a lot and I've been like this all my life, since I was a child.

I struggle to cope with my emotions. I get angry and upset very easily.

I never have the energy or inclination to do things. I feel like I'm failing my kids.

I'm on antidepressants but I don't think I'm depressed. If so I've been depressed my entire life as far back as I can remember (early childhood).

Something is fundamentally "wrong" with me and I don't know what.

I'm having counselling but it's a long slow process.

Every small thing that I have to do seems like such a huge task and I end up putting it off.

My DH says get out and see friends but I absolutely do not want to be around people - can't be bothered with the effort of chatting and listening about their lives.

Sorry if this all doesn't make sense. It's not even making sense in my head.

Hello
I am sorry to hear you feel this way
Everything feels a lot sometimes
I am tired - dh out of work and money is very tight
I am not currently on ads but have been in the past and I know they made somethings seem harder too
Please know you aren't alone

How many kids do you have?
I am sure you aren't failing them btw

I've been on anti depressants on and off for 12 years. They help a bit to mask whatever the underlying issue is but it all unravels when I come off them.

I've got 2 kids. One of them is a teenager who doesn't attend school or have any friends. He has extreme anxiety and currently being assessed for neurodiversities. Everything about his life is difficult - for him and for me. I worry for his future a lot. It sounds horrible but it's not the life I imagined. I can't work because of this. I feel I have no life apart from being someone's mum/carer.

But this isn't the cause of what I feel wrong. I've felt like this all my life. I can't handle situations that other people can. I overthink and can't get things out of my head.

Of course it's not the life you imagined. And it's okay to say that,

Have you got anyone in RL you can talk to about this? Help you with your DS?

Sorry to hear this. Do you think that you could also be neurodiverse?I know a lot of parents only seek a diagnosis when supporting their DC with a diagnosis and they realise that they could be too. I have two friends who were diagnosed with ADHD / Autism in their 40s and it really helped make sense of the things they had always struggled with in life.

I am not jumping on the bandwagon here (as I saw it described the other day on MN) but are you open to the possibility of it? Might just be one option to consider.

I also have a teen who struggles with school. Has missed whole years at a time and has GCSEs this year. It's incredibly stressful as a parent isn't it? Mine was diagnosed with Autism this time last year. Sending you solidarity l.

Hi OP
really sorry to hear you’re struggling. I felt quite like you before I found helpful treatment. I would become extremely emotional in many situations and felt like I struggled to cope. I was referred for DBT on the nhs although due to long wait ended up going private, and it has transformed my life and mindset and ability to feel happy/peaceful. I recommend Mind Reframed as a provider. If you’re seeing a therapist, you could ask them if they ever use DBT or if they could work on your emotional regulation with you and distress tolerance.
A big part of DBT is also setting yourself up so your emotional battery is full and you’re less likely to become upset/disregulated frequently, so prioritise and take seriously small things that make you feel at all better- eg listening to music, savouring a cup of tea, looking at flowers, smelling a favourite scent. You can find a way through, please have hope.

I speak to DH - he understands and is caring but I don't think he really knows what else to do. I have a few friends I can talk to when I see them but everyone always busy with their own lives.

My parents don't really understand. I get the impression they think my ds difficulties are down to my parenting. Its been implied.
That hurts.

Yes I think so. It's something I told my counsellor on my first session. Not sure how to go about an assessment as I can't afford private.

Thank you for the solidarity! Yes it's so stressful. Sorry to hear your ds has been struggling too.
Mine was just about coping in primary but secondary school it's all fallen apart.

So sorry to hear this.

Yes shit life syndrome sounds about right! Haha (at least I can laugh about it)

Nothing out of the ordinary or huge has happened in my life but I was emotionally neglected as a child and I think that combined with potential neurodiversity has had a massive effect on my life. Everything I've ever done (school/Uni/relationships/work) I seem to have fucked up. Plus some really horrible ways that I've been treated by people.

I can only hope that getting it all out once and for all with my counsellor can help me get over it to some extent.

I initially had CBT but it seemed like a bit of a sticking plaster over a great big open wound so I went to a different therapist. Not sure what type it is but we've just been talking about my childhood, my parents etc. I like her and I've only had 6 sessions but I'm happy to continue.

Thank you, this is all really helpful.

It's lovely to have people saying such helpful and kind things. It really makes a big difference.

This is really interesting. My teen child seems to feel exactly like the Op and DBT has been recommended. Again ridiculously long waiting list. I worry that she will ruin her life with the sadness and emotional disregulation . It must be difficult to know something feel ‘off’ but not to know what. My daughter wants a diagnosis to understand why she feels ‘wrong’ too but help seems hard to get. Glad DBT has helped you

@wishmyhousetidy Sorry to hear your daughter is feeling similar. I think it's great that she's aware that something is off and lovely that you are supportive of her. My issue was that when I was that age I was accused of being overly sensitive, a drama queen, too intense or highly strung. Told to just stop being so silly and get on with things, I had nothing to be sad about, so many people had it worse than me etc etc.

I think if your daughter can find a treatment that works or even just be able to talk about it she will be absolutely fine 😊

Thank you for that. I feel sad that you still feel like this as I can see how draining my daughter sometimes finds life. It’s difficult as parents and I am sure sometimes we have made mistakes and out of frustration minimised how she has felt. But recently we have felt that no one would intentionally ‘wreck’ what is essentially a good life on purpose and she is just totally struggling
wish you all the best for the future and maybe you would find DBT worth a try x

Thank you - I will look into DBT.

Hey OP. Not very often I read an opening a thread, and think oh gosh that's me!! From having the DH telling me I need to go out and meet friends but me not wanting to hear about their lives to being a carer of a child with difficulties and suspecting myself to be ND and being told I'm over sensitive.

I also found CBT unhelpful in the same way you did. It felt like a plaster and also extra work when I just desperately needed a break, not more work to do. I also had a messy childhood. Ignored completely by my step parent for the 10 years I had to live them plus the all too common absent biological father.

I know I overthink and have always had anxiety. I didn't realise just how embedded my anxiety was until I hit my forties. My disabled DC became harder work and we also moved house. I think I've hit perimenopause and it's all a perfect storm of shit. I'd never had to take an AD before I turned 40 but now I'm a mess.

Decided my struggles to not be able to navigate life so easily as others seem to (going right back to school like you OP) is probably undiagnosed inattentive Adhd. No point seeking a diagnosis because of the waiting list and I don't think the stimulant drugs will be recommended for me as I get heart palpitations.

I don't know what the answer is and I don't know how old you are OP but I wonder whether I might be on the cusp of needing HRT. Often at this age, everything comes to light and is an age many women get diagnosed with neurodivergant conditions. I didn't realise Shitty life syndrome was a thing but I can believe it!!

Happy to chat via PM if you like 💐

Ignored completely by my step parent for the 10 years I had to live them plus the all too common absent biological father.

Haha - oh yes this almost exact same scenario happened to me too. As well as being ignored by my mother in favour of the step father.

Sorry to hear you've struggled too.

Hugs x

If you experienced emotional neglect as a child then you might be interested in schema therapy. This lady does some nice explainer videos

Thank you - I'll definitely have a look at this.