Please knock some sense into me. Life has got really stressful. I have a lot of things going on and I have no one to talk to particularly at the moment. I'm autistic and my threshold for stressful things going on is pretty low to begin with. I usually take sertraline for anxiety but when things are out of the ordinary plus having been ill, I get out of the habit and it's now been probably three weeks since I took it. I'm on a high dose usually.
At the moment things feel bleak and utterly hopeless and pointless. I'm not usually depressed but at the moment it seems that's what I'm experiencing. I feel completely overwhelmed and my threshold for stress is now incredibly low but my job is extremely stressful. I've never before felt like I might do something irreversible to hurt myself without actually wanting to. I want to get past it. I want to be able to cope again. I desperately don't want to have anyone know I'm like this.
But at this same time I'm scared. I feel out of control. I'm either numb or crying my eyes out. I know how I'd do it. I've thought about it since teenagerhood far too much and had a friend end their life the same way last year. I get obsessive intrusive thoughts about it at the best of times.
I just. I have no one to talk to and ive messed up to get to this stage. I just want to express it and hopefully someone is out there to hear.
Mg plan currently is: I'm in bed, going to try to sleep. Sleep is terrible at the moment.
In the morning I am going to take my damn pill and go to work and my other commitments then I'm going back to bed.
I'm also worried because I feel like this now and each time I've started on sertraline I've had really strong intrusive thoughts of suicide and I'm worried that it will initially make things worse after a few weeks accidental break.