How to support my partner with depression

[Eden91]

Hi,
I really just want to know I’m not alone in this and there are other people who have been in a similar situation who can share success stories..

This is the background:
My partner was in the army. He left around 10 years ago as he was medically discharged- he had a terrible injury and witnessed some awful things and was therefore diagnosed with ptsd. He had a long recovery which included addictions to prescription meds, dependency on drugs and alcohol, depression and suicidal thoughts.

Fast forward to today- we have a 9 month old and although I knew he was quite low, I thought he was past the extreme lows of the past. He’s been drinking more heavily again and has seemed ‘depressed’ for a while now. He went out on Sunday and came back drunk and I lost it- cue him then admitting he thinks he has become dependant on the alcohol again but he drinks to stop the very dark thoughts about going and hanging himself in our shed. He said he would seek help with combat stress but he hasn’t yet.

I’m feeling so many emotions right now, most of all scared that he might act on these thoughts. He says he has lived with varying degrees of these thoughts since he left the army (which makes me so sad because I had no idea) and he is not in crisis at the moment, but I feel so helpless. Anyone out there with any similar experiences please let me know

I've not had a partner who has been depressed. I've been extremely depressed though, and I've been in hospital with ex service people (men). And yes, they got better.
The drinking combined with the thoughts and his background is a real concern and if he seeks help I would expect him to be taken very seriously indeed. Is there any way you can go with him to GP or somewhere to gently push him towards help? For most people help is an empty promise but I know things are different for ex service people due to their circumstances. And what a lot for you to deal with. You've got a young baby. Who is supporting you? How are you doing?

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. Can emphasise a bit, it is so hard to know how best to help. We have some mates who have left military or who are coming out - we talk a lot about MH issues and they have said good things about Veterans Gateway & a free online system, I think it is called Together All? Or the Army/RAF Hive service - all can give info/advice/support for both you and your Husband. I really hope things get better for your family, stay strong and please know that you are not alone.

All you can do OP is be validating. I hear you have a heavy load yourself and this is not an easy ask of you. But being effective is the most important step here. Try get him talking and just try listening without interruption if you can. If he talks about having suicidal ideation you can say he must have been feeling really low to have gotten to that way of thinking. Just validation all of his emotions …every single little one. Don’t aim to fix. You can’t fix …only he can do that when he’s ready. If he’s drunk, defer any talking. It’s pointless…he should go to bed.
However what you can do is ask him open, loving, curious questions …stuff like
”Suicide isn’t an option, what do you think your options for getting help might be?” Put the all in his court. You could offer to contact Combat Stress with him? He’s probably embarrassed and ashamed about reaching for help.

We've been there, but I was the one suffering and my wife was in your position. The main thing, for me, is keep it low key support. Reassurance that you're with him and supporting him, although I know that is really tough at times. I'm ex 999, not military, but the issues may be similar. I didn't want to talk to anyone, because I thought it would make me feel weak and validate all the negative things I had been telling myself for some considerable time.
We've talked it through at length. Some of the best things for me were just the hugs and quiet words of support, letting me know that the connection was still there.
I was fortunate enough to have a really good GP, when I finally broke down and admitted I couldn't cope any longer and had counselling through my workplace.
There are lots of male mental health peer support groups popping up across the UK. Obviously, I've no idea where you are, but I do know they really help lots of guys who are struggling. May be worth looking at?
I so wish you both well, and your wider family. It's so hard, but you can come through the other side. I know that is hard to believe at times though.

I'm ex military and I've attempted suicide since and at times still am. I became dependent on alcohol too as a retreat from reality / crutch. It didn't help and it made things worse.

Does he realise that alcohol is a long term depressant (I didn't) and that far from helping, alcohol is just masking the issues and giving him new ones. The terrible with the military is that the culture is very alcohol orientated to a degree that heavy drinking seems normal and it took me a long time to realise I had a problem and it wasn't normal.

I decided to quit when I realised I had an issue. It was not easy and I did so after a few attempts. I've now been sober for about 8 years and it's been one of the best things I've done. At first it makes emotions raw and you feel a bit naked, but you (your brain) get used to it over time and you learn to cope without the support and life is -eventually- better. You also better, you're less depressed, you've more money, less moody, healthier and many other benefits from no longer drinking what is basically a poison.

He's done well realising he's got a problem. He now needs to get help for that addiction as it's a very hard one to break (believe it or not harder than heroin) and it can be dangerous if you're physically dependant (again more so than heroin). I got help from an alcohol forum for people who are quitting, but in his case he might need medical help due to the PTSD and suicide risk. He probably needs proper counseling for the PTSD as that provided by the military used to be lousy (it might have improved since I left).

It took me a few attempts to quit and it was hard and it felt raw and exposed and I lost a social outlet (and friends or drinking buddies rather than friends), but in the end it was a lot better. I had to learn grow up and stop hiding behind alcohol and face the world and my inner problems.

So, he's done well realising he's got a problem and now he needs to get help and do something about it. Alcohol dependence is not an easy thing to kick and asking for help to kick it is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you're starting to take control of your life.

As for the suicidal thoughts, he needs help for that. In the short term, make sure there's not anything around that would enable him to hang himself (like rope) and make sure he realises that it would devastate you (some people think it would be the best for everyone). Suicidal attempts tend to be spur of the moment when they actually happen, so ensuring there's not the stuff to do it in the house is important. If there are signs he's planning it, like buying the stuff, then call someone as that's when it's turned from a thought into a decision. You could even get a lock for the shed and keep the key hidden. It might sound dumb, but if it helps him pause and consider and makes things harder, then it's worth it. My attempts were generally with stuff that was at hand. The times I planned were generally easier to get help for. If he does consider it, then I found the Samaritans to be fantastic and I owe them my life.

I hope that helps. He's not me at all, but we ex squaddies have to look after each other, as imo the military didn't.

Firstly I just want to say thank you so much to all of you for posting- honestly it really has been such a support to me to read through your comments. Apologies for not getting back sooner, to be honest the last week or so has been very challenging and I found myself struggling a lot to deal with the weight of it all.
I found trying to be understanding and supportive incredibly difficult at times because I had so much anger about the situation, and not only that, but his behaviour for a while has been so selfish that it’s been hard not to find fault and call him out. Knowing he is unwell just added to my guilt of being on his case and I also felt like I was partly responsible for his mental state declining. I know I’m not to blame per se but gosh it’s hard to detach and view things objectively.

On a positive note, things seem to be getting better (and I’m aware how naive that may sound and in such a short space of time, especially as my partner masks quite well). He has stopped drinking - it may only be for a short while but it was everyday and he now hasn’t drunk for 2 weeks which is phenomenal.

He also started going back to the gym. I’d noticed he had stopped before but didn’t quite realise how much he needs the gym as a form of therapy, so fortunately he is getting back into that which has helped his mental state. It’s also a helpful sign to me now that if he stops again I know something is up.

In terms of his military past- he often tells me about how the culture of drinking was so important so I know this will be hard to break, particularly when seeing those friends. Though I know he has lost quite a few ex military friends to suicide over the years because it really does seem like once you’re out you’re left. It seems like he carries so much guilt himself over the people he has lost over the years, either through tours or afterwards.. hopefully he will be receptive to getting some therapy started again.

Sorry for the ramble, I really appreciate you all taking the time to read my post and share your stories and support, thank you

Hi OP, how are things with you now?

Regarding some of the advice on here, what if validating every single little thing the other person is feeling means accepting wholly that you are the cause of their depression because, you've argued with them and through those arguments you've emotionally abused them and your lack of understanding of their mental health has led them to have a breakdown.

Do you accept that even if you know it isn't true and you have actually been trying to help?

An interesting perspective, thank you.
I accept responsibility to a point but ultimately it is his decision to choose to get help and get better. I am not the source of his problems and while I probably haven’t helped at times, I do not in any way blame myself for his depression. I don’t think that is healthy at all to view yourself as the sole source of someone’s emotional well-being.

Things have been much improved and we are in a far better place now, thankfully. I’m sure there will be many bumps in the road but for now, we are in a much happier place.