I don’t like my son (please don’t judge)

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Please if you’re going to call me a selfish bad mother, save it. I already know.
When my son (5 months) wakes me up moaning in the morning, I feel nothing but anger and eye rolling feelings. I spend all day alone with him and the loneliness is killing me. I’m a 23 year old single mother, victim of domestic abuse (I don’t like referring to myself as a victim but it’s the truth). I have ASD and a generally sad life. As I write this, he’s sitting on me constantly grabbing my phone, wriggling away and generally annoying me. I love him but I don’t like him. I want to run away and start again alone. I feel a kind of mild anger when I look at him (I’m not sure what the feeling is called). I feel guilty of course. How can I make myself like him? I want to be good.

Please call your health visitor. You need some support 💐

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Can you talk to your HV or somebody at the Children's Centre?

Is it resentment you're feeling? Maybe due to the lack of help and support?

Have you spoke to your GP? Do you go to any mum and baby groups?

Bless you. It can feel completely overwhelming.

Do you have any real life support? Mum /dad?
See your HV/G.P and let them know. Show them your post here, things will get better but not if you don’t reach out.

You need support. No wonder you feel frustration - mothering takes so much giving of yourself, and it sounds like no one has given to you. Taken away, rather. So you’re being forced to pour from an empty cup.

Can you get out to baby groups and meet other mothers? It’s great to have other women to cry with/moan with/just chat and eat biscuits with.

Also do talk to your health visitor and your GP. They will not judge, they have seen this a thousand times before.

Try to eat healthy food and drink lots of water and rest when you need to.

Sending strength x

Babies at this age are relentless and frankly a bit boring. That makes for very long, tough days and nights if you're all alone with no support. That's not to say that what you're feeling is okay but it's okay to acknowledge that your life, which was tough enough already being a victim of abuse, has been turned upside down and you're probably putting so much into keeping this little baby happy, clean and fed and getting very little back from your baby or anyone else.

Are you still in an abusive relationship? Are you and your baby safe? Removing any abuse from your life will be the first step in try to achieve a better future.

Have these feelings ever meant that you've harmed your baby or felt close to it? Are you meeting his needs even when you're struggling?

If you are managing to keep him looked after and safe then you need to focus on getting yourself better. I'd suggest a trip to the GP to discuss your mental health and then trying to establish a better support system. Baby groups can be a bit intimidating to walk into but I guarantee there will be other mums there feeling lonely and needing support. Mums supporting mums is so important. If you have other friends and family please tell them how much you're struggling and ask for help. Speak to your HV and spell it out how much you're finding things difficult.

If all your feelings of anger and frustration ever affect your ability to keep your baby safe and cared for then please, please tell a professional.

It's such a hard time and you sound like you are in a hard place and assuming you are in the UK, the weather of course isn't great and I can emphasise with how you must feel to be stuck with a grabby, demanding baby that barely understands his own needs let alone yours.

It's different for different people but I would try and find a positive new step in every day, perhaps meeting up with someone, going to a group, going for a walk. Just do something new or positive even if you don't feel like it at all.

As others have said speak to a professional about how you are feeling.

Whilst every day with a newborn can feel like a long time, it will seem like all of a sudden they are on to a new phase.

Try to remember you probably don't dislike the baby, but you do dislike the situation. That is fine, situations can be improved, perhaps by trying some of the steps I outline.

Have you got anyone who can help and give you an afternoon/night/day off?

Thank you for not being angry at me. I’m so scared he will get taken away from me if I tell anyone I’m struggling, I sometimes ‘fantasise’ of him being taken/adopted but I know I don’t want it in the long run. He’s perfectly looked after, much better than myself, and I never harm him. When he cries, sometimes I feel like slapping him but I have never done it. It’s hard socialising with ASD and I feel terrible at groups when they bring up their jobs or husbands and I have neither. Or they ask about his father. But overall, playgroups are all I have at the moment. Thank you everybody and sorry.

You need to seek help op. Honestly. For your safety and your child’s. It’s possible you habe a touch of pnd, but you need to get help to see you through this.

Hey OP. I don't know if it's PND (post natal depression) but it's really common and a conversation with your health visitor/GP won't result in social services taking him off you. So I'd say get in touch with one/both of those people. They'll just want to help and support you feel better. Feeling this way doesn't make you a bad mum at all. It's important to look after yourself and posting on here is the first step.
Even if it's hard too, try and get out to local baby groups. They're often free and a lifesaver for those relentless days with young babies and children. Mine is older now, almost 2 but I remember those early days and it is really hard and can be isolating. You have our support OP!

www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with

have a look at Home Start. They are there to help families with young children, like you and your baby

ps those early months are so so hard. Sending you lots of love

You need to get support x

I have ASD and I thought I didn't love my baby enough because the early care is relentless andvi had NO IDEA what it would be like before I had DD. I wasn't crying or sad or obviously "depressed". It really did turn out to be PND and asking for help from GP, HV, etc never once did they threaten to take her away. They just helped- please ask for more help and don't worry and don't be sorry for loving your baby enough to ask for help 💗

Don't spend all day alone with him. Get out. It'll save your sanity. Find local groups, do his naps in the pram the fresh air and exercise will help, meet other mum's, get ready and out as early as poss in the morning. Also a single Mum here x

Don't worry about other people talking about their husbands etc at playgroups.. you'll be surprised how many once you get to know them aren't all happy families. I find most people chat more about the babies and themselves and partners quite rarely come up in convo to be honest.

Humans aren't designed to be alone with a baby 24/7. You need some respite.

Your hv may be able to refer you to local support.

Sending huge hugs. Do you have any family who can help? Please find someone to talk too. People won't judge, they will help

Hi OP, just to say you're not alone. It's very very hard work! Particularly the first few months. You aren't the first person to feel like this and you certainly won't be the last.
Don't be afraid to speak to your HV, she is experienced in this. She will help you no doubt about it. Just remember that it will always get better, the only way is up, and when you have that little toddler giving you cuddles you will know it was all worth it.
Stay strong OP, you've got this x

You're doing really well. Don't worry if you don't like baby groups. Personally I hated them. I've never felt more lonely, I left them crying more than once. I just wanted to like it just to have a bright patch in the week but couldn't. It will pass I promise. Keep going and ask for help if you can. Is there a sure start centre near you?

I don't know if this will help op, but there is no one set way of parenting.

If you need to go back to work and use childcare, that's ok.

If you hate play groups, that's ok. I did! I tried one once and walked out half way through never to go back. I couldn't cope with the noise and the chaos!

What I didn't realise was that I didn't have to devote my entire day to my daughters' needs. For example, instead of going to play groups, I would do an adapted version of what I like to do, so I would do crafts when my dds were asleep, take them to craft shows and tried to keep myself busy in ways that gave me fulfilment because if you are content then your baby will be. It's not selfish, it's necessary!

Please, please reach out for support. Home start or asd support groups or gp. You need help and please keep banging on that door until you get it.

Hi Op

First of all be kind to yourself, Is there a good trusted friend or friends who you could meet up in family friendly cafes, places like swimming leisure centre , other mother and toddler groups ect,

You could help each other by taking it turns to babysit each others child's sometimes or on a regular basis,

Find out about charities that provide support for women in your situation such as Home start and Threshold formly women's Aid ect.

Also could you save up to treat yourself sometimes or on regular basis such as Holistic Therapies hot stone massage etc

Hi Op

Also meditation even for 10 mins at least is beneficial for you on a regular basis,

It's normal to find first time early years mother hood overwhelming and hard work,
You Need to get some more support in different ways,
Is there anybody in your family who could be supportive to you in any way then?

It sounds hard. I don't think they would remove him if you ask for help. There's hardly enough places for children who are actually at risk.

I know you can get some funded child minder hours if you are single parent finding things hard. Someone I know used to get 10 hrs/week.

Also look into home start. They can send a volunteer to help you.

Also look at places locally - sometimes you get big discount on membership if you're not working. Farm/zoo type places.