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Feeling out of control.

4 replies

BisonGrassVodka · 20/01/2023 00:04

Hi all, sorry if this all sounds mixed up and it probably will be, but I'm struggling.

From an early age, I felt like there was something different about me, despite me telling my parents and my teachers, I never seemed to get listened to. I went through school, hating it, not liking the lessons and not being able to grasp or comprehend the majority of what I was being taught. I left school with 2 CSE's despite being very bright and showing a great deal of intelligence, but the school didn't offer me enough to keep my mind busy and occupied. I wanted information, no matter how trivial, I just wanted to learn and know as much as I could.
I started work within 45 minutes of leaving school and I loved it, I'd escaped the system that was holding me back and I could have what I thought was going to be a normal life. After the first week, I realised the job I was doing didn't give me a challenge, so I changed jobs. I spent three years in my next job, but at 19 I was taking home less money than the 17 year olds I worked with who were doing the same job, I spoke to my boss, he spoke to management and they said they could do nothing, needless to say, I soon found another job.
As time went on, I felt myself becoming less and less sociable and tolerant of people. To try and change the way I felt, I got a part time job in a bar, within a few days I was a different person, but I still had reservations about myself and my way of interacting with others. I enjoyed my working life and wanted more, so I took on another part time job, this took me to working full time during the day, every night of the week in the pub and doing the third job on Saturday and Sunday, I loved it because it filled my time and kept me busy.
After a few years, living on 4 hours of sleep and not eating, I had a break down, what I thought I was doing me good and keeping me stable, turned out to be driving me into a downward spiral and the pressure of maintaining my regime took me to the dark side. My doctors signed me off work, much to the annoyance of my boss who had relied on me to be his backbone and keep him and his company going.
Some friends intervened and talked me into taking a long hard look at my life, I'd been so busy working, I hadn't realised that I'd got to 30 years old and had done nothing but work, so I got a passport and spent 2 weeks in Ibiza, while I was there I spent time reading, considering my future and having a few drinks. I decided I was going to retrain and look for another career. I did 2 years learning as much as I could about computers, this took me down a different route, literally, I used my new found skills at a haulage company, this also involved learning about the traffic office and I eventually became a traffic manager, not what I'd trained to do, but the challenge was exciting and I really enjoyed it, little did I know, it was taking me down the dark path again.
After two years, I was headhunted by another company and with the money they offered, my travelling time would go from 2 hours a day, to 30 minutes a day and it was impossible to say "no". For the next 15 years I was in my element and apart from a few stressful moments that took me to the point of despair, I was happy.
In 2008, I had an accident and couldn't work for two years, the company I worked for was sold, the new owners tried to sack me, but couldn't and when I eventually went back, I was given a menial task that was an insult to my intelligence. Before I could spit and even look for another job, the company went bust, owing millions and because of the situation, instead of getting a fair pay off, I got less than £500.
This was all I needed, I was harassed by the DWP and had to go to the nearest office twice a week to sign on and apply for jobs that didn't exist. Not long after, I had another breakdown, which led to a seizure and the effects on me were profound. My memory from 1984 to 2016 was gone, from then on, my life became to totally different ball game.
Since then, I have occasional flash backs, feel worthless, have found out I'm on the Autistic Spectrum (hence my wondering all my life if I am different). I've developed a spinal condition called DISH, suffer from fibromyalgia, I've had a motorcycle accident and lost my right leg below the knee, have constant headaches, my sleep pattern is no different, my diet is poor, I beat myself up if I don't do a certain amount of work/housework per day and I'm constantly questioning my actions.
Since then, I've dated, but no-one has really triggered a want in me. I've been in a relationship for a few months, but because of the way I am, my quirks, behaviour and my wants, are affecting the way I am and I'm feeling like I don't want to be where I am at this time. The guilt is tearing me apart, I feel like I have nothing to offer and I cannot trust myself to be normal and have a life that befits what my partner deserves. I cannot lie or pretend to be what I'm not and it's an impossible task to continue as I am and I don't know how much longer I can go on.

OP posts:
HappyHolidays22 · 20/01/2023 02:38

Oh OP. Firstly big hugs. I’m sorry for all the trauma you have been through… but have you stopped to consider how amazing you are for being able to come through all that?

Im no counsellor and I don’t really know how to help but my advice would be to start taking back control of the seemingly small things in your life.

IMO, that has to start with some self love! If I were you, I would make a very small to do list each day… maybe just three easy and small things that you can work through so you feel like you are achieving something… even if that’s things as simple as 1). Have a long hot shower and relax 2). Make a healthy lunch, 3). Do 5 minutes meditation….

you say that your diet is poor… I think this would also be a focus area for me. Why don’t you make a point of taking control of this part of your life first? Tomorrow head out to a shop and buy some food for the day that is really healthy and fresh. I guarantee that healthier eating will help you feel brighter and better.

Sending lots of love xxx

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 20/01/2023 03:35

A few thoughts ..

The obsessive cleaning and beating yourself up sounds possibly control or anxiety driven linked to your autism. Are you on medication? If so consider a medication review. If not consider talking therapies, then medication. Look for support groups for people with autism.

i don't know much about how you are physically impacted health wise but would recommend taking up some therapeutic hobbies, maybe learning knitting through YouTube, volunteering (a befriending service maybe or tourist information volunteering?), swimming, meditation online, breathing exercises, bird watching (country wide bird counts?), watercolours, felting, learn a new skill or language.

start researching nutrition and make it your mission to find out the health benefits of different foods. Expand your knowledge. Education is key. If unsure about how to cook or limited due to your palette aim to take small manageable step biweekly. For example having an extra portion of green veg daily on the back of researching the health benefits and cookery methods of spinach/lettuce/cabbage/peas.

get some proper careers advice form a specialist careers adviser. Do lots of online career quizzes. Think about the activities that make you happy and lift your spirits. What is it you like about specific activities. Can you retrain? Maybe get a formal life coach also? Or a mentor.

Please don't bother looking for a partner, concentrate on building your own happiness first. You don’t need validation from a romantic interest.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 20/01/2023 03:40

If all this feels too advanced and you’re needing to get to grips with the basics, try creating and cementing basic routines

BisonGrassVodka · 20/01/2023 17:12

Thank you for your concern and messages, I didn't sleep very well last night, so to fill the time, I started writing down what I want to do with my time and how I want to move forward with my life. It's somewhere to start and with thinking so hard, I eventually fell asleep and had a good 4 hours of solid sleep.
I'd love to be able to go back to work, even on a part time basis, but the DWP and my doctors will not allow me to do so because I'm classed as unfit for work. From this, I'm not permitted to do even voluntary work in case I fall and get hurt or put others at risk. Because of my disabilities, I'm very limited to what I can do, but do sometimes fix and upgrade computers for friends and I learned to make fishing flies when I was a kid and still do, so I can just sit down when I can or inspiration strikes.
Meditation and CBT types of therapy, I cannot do, within seconds my concentration goes, my mind wanders and I'm done.

I'm not permitted into the local swimming pool, as there is no way for me to get into the water from the changing room. When I say my diet is poor, I mean I don't eat very much. When I lived with my ex and the kids, I did the majority of the cooking, so cooking for just myself holds no interest and I tend to just nibble on something now and then. When I worked in the pub, I was taught how to cook by a very well trained chef, so I could if I wanted, knock up some very good, tasty and nutritious food.
I used to love cycling, but with the pain from my injuries and surgery, I cannot use them and if the healing process from a recent fall is going to take as long as the specialists say, it'll be at least another 18 months to 2 years.

I'm awaiting further consultation with the local mental health team for my Autism and I'm doing plenty of research myself, but as with everything within the NHS at this time, it's going to be a slow process.
A few days ago a friend suggested diamond painting, so I looked on youtube and found it very therapeutic, so I'm considering giving it a try.

Thank you.

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