Hi all, sorry if this all sounds mixed up and it probably will be, but I'm struggling.
From an early age, I felt like there was something different about me, despite me telling my parents and my teachers, I never seemed to get listened to. I went through school, hating it, not liking the lessons and not being able to grasp or comprehend the majority of what I was being taught. I left school with 2 CSE's despite being very bright and showing a great deal of intelligence, but the school didn't offer me enough to keep my mind busy and occupied. I wanted information, no matter how trivial, I just wanted to learn and know as much as I could.
I started work within 45 minutes of leaving school and I loved it, I'd escaped the system that was holding me back and I could have what I thought was going to be a normal life. After the first week, I realised the job I was doing didn't give me a challenge, so I changed jobs. I spent three years in my next job, but at 19 I was taking home less money than the 17 year olds I worked with who were doing the same job, I spoke to my boss, he spoke to management and they said they could do nothing, needless to say, I soon found another job.
As time went on, I felt myself becoming less and less sociable and tolerant of people. To try and change the way I felt, I got a part time job in a bar, within a few days I was a different person, but I still had reservations about myself and my way of interacting with others. I enjoyed my working life and wanted more, so I took on another part time job, this took me to working full time during the day, every night of the week in the pub and doing the third job on Saturday and Sunday, I loved it because it filled my time and kept me busy.
After a few years, living on 4 hours of sleep and not eating, I had a break down, what I thought I was doing me good and keeping me stable, turned out to be driving me into a downward spiral and the pressure of maintaining my regime took me to the dark side. My doctors signed me off work, much to the annoyance of my boss who had relied on me to be his backbone and keep him and his company going.
Some friends intervened and talked me into taking a long hard look at my life, I'd been so busy working, I hadn't realised that I'd got to 30 years old and had done nothing but work, so I got a passport and spent 2 weeks in Ibiza, while I was there I spent time reading, considering my future and having a few drinks. I decided I was going to retrain and look for another career. I did 2 years learning as much as I could about computers, this took me down a different route, literally, I used my new found skills at a haulage company, this also involved learning about the traffic office and I eventually became a traffic manager, not what I'd trained to do, but the challenge was exciting and I really enjoyed it, little did I know, it was taking me down the dark path again.
After two years, I was headhunted by another company and with the money they offered, my travelling time would go from 2 hours a day, to 30 minutes a day and it was impossible to say "no". For the next 15 years I was in my element and apart from a few stressful moments that took me to the point of despair, I was happy.
In 2008, I had an accident and couldn't work for two years, the company I worked for was sold, the new owners tried to sack me, but couldn't and when I eventually went back, I was given a menial task that was an insult to my intelligence. Before I could spit and even look for another job, the company went bust, owing millions and because of the situation, instead of getting a fair pay off, I got less than £500.
This was all I needed, I was harassed by the DWP and had to go to the nearest office twice a week to sign on and apply for jobs that didn't exist. Not long after, I had another breakdown, which led to a seizure and the effects on me were profound. My memory from 1984 to 2016 was gone, from then on, my life became to totally different ball game.
Since then, I have occasional flash backs, feel worthless, have found out I'm on the Autistic Spectrum (hence my wondering all my life if I am different). I've developed a spinal condition called DISH, suffer from fibromyalgia, I've had a motorcycle accident and lost my right leg below the knee, have constant headaches, my sleep pattern is no different, my diet is poor, I beat myself up if I don't do a certain amount of work/housework per day and I'm constantly questioning my actions.
Since then, I've dated, but no-one has really triggered a want in me. I've been in a relationship for a few months, but because of the way I am, my quirks, behaviour and my wants, are affecting the way I am and I'm feeling like I don't want to be where I am at this time. The guilt is tearing me apart, I feel like I have nothing to offer and I cannot trust myself to be normal and have a life that befits what my partner deserves. I cannot lie or pretend to be what I'm not and it's an impossible task to continue as I am and I don't know how much longer I can go on.