Hoarding? Depression?

[Wouldyoubeworried]

I am really concerned about my mum’s mental health. I usually live abroad but I am briefly in the UK and staying with my parents while I am here. My parents are 60 and my dad is still working full time but my mum is not working at all. They live rurally and moved here during covid and my mum doesn’t seem to have many friends but she gets on quite well with the neighbours.

My mum seems directionless. She says she is a housewife and that she is happy to be at home to look after my dad, the house and the dog and because her back / foot / insert any other body part means she can’t work. She used to ride horses so she does have some old injuries, but she doesn’t seem to be struggling with them in day-to-day life. But the house is an absolute tip and she clearly isn’t managing. I’ve tried to clear up and she is very very defensive about it. The only think I’m allowed to do is wash up the dishes. I have also offered to pay for a cleaner to come in when I’m back home but she says she couldn’t tolerate someone else looking at their things.

I don’t expect them to clear up before I visit, and I really appreciate that they invited me to stay with them while I am here, but the level of dirt and mess is unmanageable. I am staying in the guest room and there is nowhere to put down my suitcase, let alone unpack it. I’m trying to clean just the guest room but it’s impossible to dust or hoover properly because you can’t move around the room. I’ve shared a photo below of what the foot of the bed looked like when I arrived and the desk. The whole house pretty much looks like that, with clean paths to move around in but no other available surface. Every bit of space is crapped completely full of stuff. It’s quite random stuff like off cuts of carpet, old shoe boxes and disposable cups / napkins with the names of places they’ve been to as well as clothing that doesn’t fit and items from previous jobs and hobbies that she no longer does. But she had made an effort to sort out clean towels and find matching bedding and a teddy bear for me! Does this sound like something concerning? My parents were never the tidiest people but it’s got a lot worse since I was last here before covid.

What can I do to help? I don’t think she would take kindly to me trying to clean anything but I feel awful knowing that my parents are living like this. I’m worried it’s more than just clutter and that it might be a sign of depression or possibly early dementia, but they’re only 60. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Oh I really feel for you OP , Your description of their house and the photo sounds like my mothers flat . My DM 87 is a hoarder , never throws anything out because it could be useful? . I think my DF kept a lid on it because as a child I don’t remember it as a problem . Her hoarding got bad after my DF died , which I think was linked to depression and grief.
my siblings and I realised the extent of the hoarding when my DM downsized from a 4 bed house to a 2 bed flat . Some of the rooms I struggled to open the door . Empty boxes , boxes of newspapers, magazines, catalogues. Cupboards full of carrier bags, used envelopes , Jiffy bags , clothes which don’t it her . The kitchen was full of plastic yogurt pots and ready meal containers . We had to be brutal clearing euth downsizing.
7 years on and her flat is as cluttered and full of stuff as her old house . I’ve offered to help her clean up but she refuses , says she’ll do it . She’s frail and has mobility problems and uses a frame . Her clutter and piles of papers are a trip hazard, which has been pointed out to her especially as she’s had several falls.
With your mother it could be depression or early dementia. You could speak to her GP about it. Or could you speak to your father ? Do you have siblings?
Your GP may be able to give you advice .
Im sorry I can’t offer much advice . My DM is very stubborn and she won’t change now at 87. I’m her main carer and have regular rants with my siblings who aren’t local .
good luck

Is their new house smaller than their old one? Big houses often disguise how much stuff people actually have until they move to a smaller one. We live in a tiny 2 up 2 down and appear very cluttered - much like your photos actually - but if we had a bigger house with cupboards and room for a full size table maybe, oh and a garage possibly, it would look much better and life would be easier. I say don't judge.

I agree with don’t judge , but I think there is something more going on here . Possibly depression, the first part of the OP post is quite telling . When my DM downsized we had a massive clear out . Maybe the OP parents didn’t do this .

@nuttymut I have a sister but she lives in our old hometown and has a toddler and a baby so it's hard for her to get here or do much. She is also concerned but my mum won't listen to her anymore than she listens to me. She doesn't bring her dc here because she feels it isn't safe for them. The danger of stuff falling on them, or them getting hold of something dangerous is just too much.
Our dad struggles with the clutter and what he describes as "the overwhelm" bit his solution is to basically disengaged from home. He works full time and spends as much time as possible at his golf club. My mum isn't interested in golf so she gets frustrated that he's not home more. She is home alone a lot and gets hyper fixated on TV and social media which means they don't even speak to each other much when he is at home because they just don't have anything in to say to each other. Whenever anything is stressful he throws himself into hobbies. It used to be rowing and now it's golf, but he's always tolerated difficulties by filling his time up outside of the house and avoiding the family. Their old house virtually fell apart because he didn't want to hire someone else to do DIY he could do himself but he was always too busy to do any of it. It's like they're both in denial.
When they moved here, my sister and I hired a van to help them get rid of lots of furniture and thousands of books and other things. They downsized a lot and it looked lovely here when I was last here (before covid) but since then, they got loads more stuff. Some of it is actually just litter like used disposable cups or napkins that have the name of a place they once visited printed on them, or interesting-looking sticks and nice dry leaves mum might want to use for a craft project one day. Some of it is just stuff from old hobbies that she thinks she might take up again one day. Dad also has lots of rowing and golf stuff but that is mostly stored in sheds.

@RoseThornside The fact that this much clutter would fit safely in someone else's house doesn't really change the fact that it doesn't fit here. This house is dusty and dirty because you can't hoover or dust with so much stuff in the way and they have a dog so there is fur everywhere which is bad for my mum's asthma. It also makes the whole space feel stressful because you have to remember exactly where everything is or you won't ever find it again, it's difficult to move around for fear of causng an avalanche and everywhere looks so "busy" it's like living in heavy traffic. They have to live in only a tiny fraction of the full size of the house because the rest of the space has been consumed by clutter which they can't reach and can't remember what it is so they can't ever use it. Dad won't even invite his friends here because he is embaressed by it. Mum doesn't really have anyone to invite but she's happy for the neighbours to pop in so I don't think she is embaressed.
If they went away for a weekend and I hired a skip and threw out 95% of their stuff, it wouldn't change how they live because they can't even see most of the stuff because it's behind other stuff. I don't doubt it wouldn't look as cluttered in a bigger house but they don't want to move again so I need ways to help them make this house somewhere they can live safely and happily, which they currently can't. Obviously hiring a skip for the weekend is not a solution, but I don't really know what is. I understand what you mean by "don't judge" but this is my parents and they seem to be stuck in a spiral which is making them stressed, unhappy and unhealthy. If I don't care enough to try to help them then no one will.

Hoarding is a really hard problem to help. Really difficult for all concerned. It does sound like there are problems, I come across a lot of hoarders through work and I rarely see any of them successfully change (it isn't it service to help them do that but it is common with our clients). It is the symptom not the cause but the causes are often so deep rooted that it's lifelong. 😔
There are various charities and professional services you could turn to, but sounds like she would be very resistant and isn't looking for help so that's hard to address.

If you think a big clean up would break the inertia and help them see a way forward you could hire people like this
www.idealresponse.co.uk/hoarder-cleanup-service-lp/?gclid=Cj0KCQiA_bieBhDSARIsADU4zLclc184lYGjaRaBTym-8uCSxrFUMUNVLDmNL4daRA4z85bysFIuA14aAmhpEALw_wcB

If your parents would allow.

My guilty pleasure is watching hoarding programmes where houses get decluttered and tidied. So this may be bollocks, but it is what comes out of all those programmes.

in every case where there are psychological barriers to the clutter (as opposed to just very busy/young children/sen/caring requirements that require stuff) it seems to be motivated by a past loss. People insulate themselves against that grief by surrounding themselves with a protective layer of stuff, which they can rely on never to leave them and which temporarily fills that gap.

for some it was a recent loss - a parent or spouse, for some a far distant one of a lost parent whilst they were a child, or a lost child. In all the cases i’ve seen the only ones who successfully overcame their hoarding were the ones who verbalised this connection and talked it through, acknowledging that the stuff wasn’t what they were actually attached to, it was the idea of how the stuff would protect them from feeling loss, and it was only when they acknowledged that wasn’t true that they were able to let it go.

not sure if any of that rings true for your parents?