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My mum makes me feel drained

5 replies

ST727 · 16/01/2023 15:52

Hi all

Firstly I feel awful for even posting as my mum is going through a hard time at the moment but I feel like I don’t have anyone to vent to / that no one else would understand.

Growing up my mum has always gone through periods where she felt “down” and this often resulted in mood swings and the rest of the family walking on egg shells. She is pretty negative and complains / obsesses over minor things (that usually don’t concern her). She doesn’t have much confidence and has gained weight and constantly puts herself down which makes me sad. On the flip side she is also very bitchy and constantly puts others down (behind their back) for their appearance.

I find spending time with her very draining as it’s so doom and gloom. She also spends 80% of her day on Facebook (I often see her arguing with strangers on local fb groups over minor things) and I think this only makes her more of a miserable person.

She is getting help via anti depressants and therapy which is great but I don’t know how much this will help in the long run as she doesn’t have much going on in her life and spends most of her day on her phone. She is married to my dad but he also finds her hard work so distances himself.

I moved cities a year ago to live with my partner and feel happier now I don’t have to be around her moods 24/7 but really feel for my siblings and dad who still do. She also makes me feel bad for living an hour away from her as she misses me but I am happy where I am.

Has anyone experienced similar? I’d love to have a fun and close relationship with her but she makes this hard and I don’t think she realises how difficult she can be to be around (if I’ve ever mentioned her negativity in the past she doesn’t want to hear it and throws a strop, usually cries and then I feel bad) so it’s not worth the argument.

I struggle with my own mental health at times and always feel so drained and sad after visiting her that things aren’t different.

OP posts:
Hmovingforward · 17/01/2023 13:01

Hello, when reading your post I felt as though it was me talking . I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through.
From my personal experience , my mother’s actions and behaviour got so bad that we hardly speak to one another.

We live in the same house but hardly speak other than “yes / no / okay / no thank you”. Sad to see to be honest, looking back years ago I would have never thought that this would be us. But from my experience you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.
Its a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation, I’m afraid.

ST727 · 17/01/2023 13:06

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a similar scenario. How old are you and your mum if you don’t mind me asking? That must be really hard to be in the same house, I know I would struggle.

OP posts:
Hmovingforward · 17/01/2023 14:20

Hello , I’m 22 and she is 56. And yes it really a struggle. I’m not sure what outlets there are when it comes to these kind of situations other than to leave but that’s easier said than done.

coffeeisthebest · 17/01/2023 15:06

Yes I can relate to a lot of what you said. After a lot of my own personal therapy I am finally realising that I will never be the friend she wants me to be and that actually I don't enjoy being around her. I limit the time I spend with her. Yes she will always be my mum but for many, many reasons I can't be around her too much. Facebook is my mum"s life too, she quotes people off there as tho she has had a chat with them but it is never that, just them updating their newsfeed.

ST727 · 17/01/2023 16:35

Honestly if she wasn’t able to have Facebook anymore it would be the best thing. She gets so worked up about silly things she sees on there and I see her arguing with so many random people about pointless things, it’s so embarrassing. My time with her is already a lot more limited now I’ve moved away which makes me even more sad as I now no longer even look forward to visiting or having her visit. She just drives me mad and seems manic/stressed over nothing all the time.

Was your therapy private or through the NHS if you don’t mind me asking? I feel like I could benefit

OP posts:
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