Please help me find a way forward

[Misskittycat16]

Sorry this will be long. I have posted a little bit about it all before.

I had a breakdown in Oct 20 and have been so so poorly since, I am getting worse, not better.

I've had horrendous palpitations everyday for over a year, suffer with debilitating anxiety and insomnia. I am currently taking mirtazipine, zopiclone, somminex and sometimes a melatonin to get any sleep but as you can imagine I am a shell of a person the next day because I'm like a zombie. My anxiety around sleep is HUGE. I'm on Propanolol but it doesn't really help anymore. Tried so many antidepressants but I can't tolerate the side effects ( despite being on them previously)

I am under the secondary mental health team and I'd say they have been detrimental to my mental health. No help whatsoever.

I've had bloods done for pretty much everything, results were low B12 and Iron but have been medicated for these.
I had a consultation with a private menopause specialist and was prescribed Oestrogen and Progesterone, I took these for 2 months but didn't really feel any better and Dr was reluctant to give me anymore. Bloods were normal.

I honeslty want to die most days, I have a nearly 5 year old and I just want to be better for her. I feel so guilty that the trauma of this will ruin her life, I have found parenting so hard but I love her so much I'm terrified of messing her up for life. I am not functioning well at all.

I am considering paying for private therapy but I don't know what sort. CBT/EMDR also we can't really afford it but I'm getting desperate. They were talking about me trying Pregabalin as well.

Can anyone unravel this? There is absolutely no joy in life and I can't see a way out , I've had no relief from this for so long.

Eat loads of animal fat. Top up your saturated and essential fatty acids in the first instance.

I'm so sorry. Typing in haste, but do you have time to do any form of exercise? This is what saved my DSis when she had a full nervous breakdown and attempted suicide.

Thank you, sorry if I'm being thick, is this to help with the anxiety?

I do, I just feel so knackered I don't have the motivation but I know I should try. I need to break the cycle and I know I'm the only one that can do that.

I have found QiGong really helpful - I've linked a video below. It's easy, and even 10 minutes can help. Also meditation. The link below is a daily 10 minute - but they do ones for stress and anxiety as well.

Is it the result of childhood trauma or an other identifiable cause?

Fluoxetine cured my anxiety, which I had pretty badly and daily after a breakdown.

After 3 years of anxiety I felt I couldn't go on. The fluoxetine started working pretty much straight away - it felt akin to a miracle.

Yes, low levels of saturated fat in the brain can cause a lot of what you are undergoing. Fatty cuts of beef like short ribs slow cooked, butter and fatty fish will start to top it up.

Thank you, I will take a look.

A bit of both if I'm honest, the route of the cause is mainly extremely low self esteem. My childhood/early teens was difficult because my own mum was very poorly with her mental health.

Read Pete walkers book on complex ptsd. A very good start.

Thank you, I appreciate your help. Will definitely do this!

Has anyone tried Pregabalin for anxiety? Appreciate it's not a long term fix but I would relish not being in a constant state of flight or fight. However Pregabalin feels a bit scary.

Go back to basics. What caused your breakdown? At the moment you're chucking the kitchen sink (understandably) at a solution but until you understand and deal with the root cause all you're going to get is uncoordinated and chaotic response.

What happened in October 2020?

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I pay for private counselling. It's been amazing for me. I pay £45 a session for my counsellor, and usually have 2 sessions a month. I literally just searched for counsellors on google, and emailed a few who seemed like they would fit with me. I have my sessions on Zoom so they fit around my life. If this is an option for you, I'd recommend it. Medication can only do so much.

CBT is a great resource and well worth the investment if you can afford it. It is available on the NHS but I suspect there may be a long wait and IME it's generic not tailored to your own issues and concerns.

I have been there with anxiety and I totally get what you say about how all consuming it is, and your fears and worries about your daughter.

I went through a similar shitfest in 2020, CMH crisis team and all. I don't know your exact situation so i can only recommend s few things which helped me, number 1 being the most important:

1 Do the things your brain is telling you not to do.

I had depression with anxiety but I think this works for both. This is a really tricky one as your brain is hard to win round. But every time your brain says 'hide! Stay away!' Remember that you are poorly and that this is the impact on your brain. Try your best to do the opposite of what it tells you (within safe reason, obviously);

2 don't stress about sleep. Resting is fine. The more you worry about it the less it will come, so be ok with just being in bed and relaxing as best you can, and be kind to yourself about this.

Oops sorry hit send too soon

3 persist with the HRT. I don't know how old you are but obviously if you've been prescribed HRT you're in the potential peri zone. Everything says give it 3-5 months minimum and that MH symptoms are the last to disappear.

And don't give up. You're obviously a good Mum because you care enough to worry about the impact on your daughter. Sometimes just being around and doing what you can do is enough - remember that in 10 years time she will probably not remember the minutiae but she will remember her Mum being there and loving her.

Happy to chat anytime OP. Best of luck xx

Many things leading up to it but the straw that broke the camels back so to speak was that we'd moved August 20, it's too far from my parents and I hate where we live. Also my daughter started nursery at her school, felt like I was sending a lamb to the slaughter. Lots and lots of issues really.

I know you are right, I think I'm going to just bite the bullet and find a therapist. Medication isn't helping in my case.

Thank you for your lovely reply.
Shitfest is the word alright! I will never be the same person again.

The avoidance thing makes a lot of sense, there are many many things I'd like to avoid but because of my daughter I can't, I feel challenged everyday just to survive if that makes sense. I know I need to challenge myself more, mainly staying in my house and cleaning it. I hate the house and the fact we moved further away from my parents.

Unfortunately I am unbelievably anxious about sleep, my palpitations are so strong even if I've taken all my meds. I listen to sleep stories, read but they are very difficult to ignore.

I'm going to push for HRT and give that a go again.

Thank you for all of your advice.

I hope you are feeling less anxious now. I will pop you a message xx

I hear you about the straw but I'm guessing the "other issues" were more fundamental? Your subconscious mind is in turmoil - which is causing your sleep problems and anxiety - and 99% of the time this is due to negative core beliefs (the way you think about yourself, other people, the world at large and the future), all of which developed in childhood.

Have a look at this article, I think it will help you better understand how your mind works;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

first of all I am so sorry for what you are going through; I have been there.

I have experience of all the prescription meds you are taking, but I would never ever have tolerated taking them all together. No wonder you feel absolutely awful; that combination; particularly the Mirtazipine and Zopiclone is enough to make you feel grim. And that’s without Somminex and Melatonin.

I agree with that above about therapy which I think would be helpful. And I would tackle from all angles; can you ask for your medication to be reviewed by the Psychiatrist on your mental health team?

this will pass. That’s not just a cliche, I promise. X

Yep, makes sense. My core belief about myself isn't very good at all. My very low self esteem has caused this.

As per the article, it is possible to change your core beliefs. As they are formed and held in your subconscious mind (the conscious, rational mind doesn't start developing until around age 9) it makes sense to access them directly -you can do this is via either EMDR or remedial hypnosis.

As a simple example. Five year old you takes part in the school sports day and comes last in every race, what's even worse is that your school mates laugh at you and your Mum tells you you are useless at running (she's joking but you are so upset you don't realise). Bingo! You've got a core belief that you are crap at sport and do whatever you can to avoid it in future, because as far as your mind is concerned it's an absolute truth and you don't want to feel that humiliation ever again. What your five year old brain doesn't (can't) pick up on it that you had a horrible cold last week and that's the real reason why you did so badly. Does this make sense?

It makes perfect sense. I can see how easily it is to form an opinion about one's self and how it can snowball etc.

I have read up a little on EMDR and have wondered if this would be appropriate, particularly to help with my insomnia.

I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.