Please help me find a way forward

[Misskittycat16]

Sorry this will be long. I have posted a little bit about it all before.

I had a breakdown in Oct 20 and have been so so poorly since, I am getting worse, not better.

I've had horrendous palpitations everyday for over a year, suffer with debilitating anxiety and insomnia. I am currently taking mirtazipine, zopiclone, somminex and sometimes a melatonin to get any sleep but as you can imagine I am a shell of a person the next day because I'm like a zombie. My anxiety around sleep is HUGE. I'm on Propanolol but it doesn't really help anymore. Tried so many antidepressants but I can't tolerate the side effects ( despite being on them previously)

I am under the secondary mental health team and I'd say they have been detrimental to my mental health. No help whatsoever.

I've had bloods done for pretty much everything, results were low B12 and Iron but have been medicated for these.
I had a consultation with a private menopause specialist and was prescribed Oestrogen and Progesterone, I took these for 2 months but didn't really feel any better and Dr was reluctant to give me anymore. Bloods were normal.

I honeslty want to die most days, I have a nearly 5 year old and I just want to be better for her. I feel so guilty that the trauma of this will ruin her life, I have found parenting so hard but I love her so much I'm terrified of messing her up for life. I am not functioning well at all.

I am considering paying for private therapy but I don't know what sort. CBT/EMDR also we can't really afford it but I'm getting desperate. They were talking about me trying Pregabalin as well.

Can anyone unravel this? There is absolutely no joy in life and I can't see a way out , I've had no relief from this for so long.

From the (little) I know EMDR is good for dealing with specific traumatic incidents and reframing them in a more rational sense. Remedial hypnosis is good for 'reseting' outdated, misunderstood or just plain wrong thoughts or feelings by talking directly to the part of the subconscious that's hanging on to the old beliefs. Disclaimer - I would say that because it's what I do! 😊

I’ve had Pregabalin for anxiety. It’s a lovely drug, but uoset my stomach. I felt smooth and calm. It was great for sleep too.

Think very carefully about what type of therapy you choose.
I don't think CBT is suitable for deep rooted trauma.
I would find an experienced psychotherapist but be prepared for a long slow, often painful process.

@BrownDaisy - just curious, why would you recommend psychotherapy?

Primarily based on my own experience.

I tried CBT a few times and it had no impact. Admittedly this was through the NHS and was limited in the number of sessions available though I think it was a reasonable number, maybe 16/20.

CBT seemed to mainly consist of trying to re-interpret how I was perceiving other people and the world around me.

There was a lot of exercises to do between sessions which actually felt quite annoying and there seemed to be pressure to say that I was improving when I wasn't.

For me, I was traumatised probably from birth because my mother was unable to meet my basic needs like being there for me, being heard, being seen, feeling loved and wanted.
So my core beliefs about myself and the world around me were that I was worthless and unlovable.

To unravel that takes a very long time in therapy but also working very hard on yourself, reading, meditating and accessing the pain that was repressed in childhood.
I found a psychotherapist was the best way to achieve that.

I tried a hypnosis session (only the 1) but I was so wound up that all I could feel and concentrate on were my palpitations. Can it still work if a person is so wired so to speak? I went back for another session but the lady said I was too anxious for it to work.
Do you have a website I could take a look at?

I guess this is my dilemma, I don't know what therapy to try and I have limited funds so the pressure to get it right feels huge!
I kind of agree with you about CBT, it feels very rational at the time but once you come away and reflect it doesn't have the same impact.
T

So sorry you had such a horrible childhood, it sounds teally tough.

I do, is it OK for me to PM you?

Yes please

You are on quite a concoction of meds, have they had a full review of what your on and the effects each one has on you and each other? Sometimes a medication is added without noting the effects something else has having.
Meds are good as an aid but they won't solve what's causing your anxiety and depression, more meds will just keep being added as you body gets used to what your on.
Other assistance like therapy will then help you to understand and help you feel abit better.

Are you under a MHT? They can review and assist with counselling, CBT etc. You could also seek charities which could help like mind or look for a reduced fee service (normally these are counsellors on training but they are very closely monitored and guided by trained therapists) so it doesn't put too much finiciancial strain on you also.

I am under a MHT but honestly I have found them to be detrimental to my mental health, my GP is far more supportive.
I had a meds review with my CPN ( who I've never actually seen in person) today, he has suggested yet another AD to try and basically said there is a long wait ( months) for therapy. I think I'm going to have to get better on my own.

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it.

I'm so sorry to hear that the MHT isn't helping. Good your feeling supported by your GP though, could you speak to your GP about being referred somewhere else? I know the waiting list may be long in other places but at least it'll get the ball rolling..?

Another AD? Is that on top of the ones you are already taking?

Sounds like that very well may be the case 😞. Please do look up some of the mental health charities, even if you only use the workbooks while waiting for therapy.

Also if you are able to pay for private therapy, have a look and see what you think of psychotherapy, think it might help you

As well as regular gp reviews, the other things you can try is to look at your diet.
Try to eat a diet that's high in protein and veg, some complex carbs and fat and no processed food.
Go outdoors once a day. Get some exercise. Walking in nature and practice some mindfulness whilst out there can be very grounding.
It's so difficult to function well when you don't have quality sleep.
Check youre doing all the right things like no caffeine, no screens for an hour before bedtime, maybe some meditation. Some people have luck with supplements like magnesium (which can help with anxiety too) but you should check you can mix them with your medication.

Hi OP. I’m sorry you are feeling like this. Many of us have been there. It sounds like you have a lot of drug based support. It’s hard to advise you because you know yourself best, but continuing to read and ask (like you are now) about the drugs and their side effects and benefits is the best way to using them to their maximum effect. It sounds like that isn’t working for you, and something needs to change, so it’s good you have the review.

You are right that you need therapy. You won’t know what you need until you try it. CBT can be a really good sticking plaster - giving practical tips to help manage the way anxiety manifests and how you think about yourself. It’s a good place to start - there are many free CBT resources on the internet. Definitely get on the waiting list for the nhs therapist. A psychotherapist will help you do some deep seated trauma work - as pp has said this can be hard work but can help some people get to the root of what they’re feeling.

And then there is the host of other lifestyle that people have mentioned. I know it feels hard to prioritise them because on their own they rarely seem to have an impact. You’re unlikely to eat and entire pack of butter one day and feel noticeably bette the next. But together they all add up. Lifestyle things like diet, exercise, meditation, reflection, yoga etc are not the golden bullet but will provide points through your day where you can do things that regulate your body and calm it down. Like nutrients, you can’t just eat vitamin c and hope for the best, you need a wide range of them. So putting in place lots of small life style things will help to steady things. There are some amazing threads on here about what people have done to manage anxiety, some won’t work at all for you and others will appeal. Whatever works for you and are small, easy changes you can make. When you’re in such a dark place, prioritising these things is hard, but my therapist advised me to ask myself “what is the loving thing is to do in this situation” e.g. the loving thing to do is take my vitamins, rest when I need it etc

I wish you the best of luck. One step at a time. There will come a time when you don’t feel like this anymore.

B12 and anemia can affect how well your antidepressants work. I was folate deficient and this made Citalopram useless. After taking folate for a few weeks the Citalopram started to work.

Also agree that HRT can take weeks to work.

Being B12 deficient can cause absolute havoc with your body and mind and make you feel really poorly, so it is important that you work on getting all these levels back to normal.

Hope you feel better soon.