You'll have to bare with me as I'm not the best as explaining but I finally opened up to my husband last night that I feel really mentally ill. I feel like an absolute failure is so many aspects of my life...being a mother and wife, my career and my wellbeing. I feel I'm no good at any of it.
My husband know I've been feeling anxious for a long time but I managed to hide it for years, mainly because he was very ill with anxiety for years and I supported him.
I wish I had not bared all last night, not he's mad at me for mot seeking help sooner despite him telling me to do so (my state of mind has stopped me but I did see a physiotherapist a few months ago but my husband convinced me she wasn't doing any good).
If it wasn't for my 2 children I would walk away and never come back. I had a very different birth with DD1 and have found I resent her for it, which I know if just so horrible of me.
I've referred myself today to let's talk or whatever the equivalent is.
I'm self employed and beyond stressed with it. My husband says he's sick of my job (this one or the teaching job I had for the 10 years prior) have dominated our lives...I had been the main breadwinner for years and I don't know any teachers who don't have something constantly on the go. He has left jobs before due to his mental health and I've supported him through it all including walking out when our DD was 3 for a week and getting admitted to a mental health facility.
What I don't understand is why he insists I open up and talk to him but then turns it all around and says he's sick of there always being something wrong. I wouldn't have dreamt of treating him like that or saying that to him at his lowest a few years ago.
I'm on 100mg of Setraline a day. Maybe I need something else. I think most of its caused by the massive stress of my business. I have put it up so sale and have a job interview next week for a 'normal office job'. This is probably very outing if my OH were to come across it but I don't think he makes a habit of reading mumsnet!
I wouldn't end my life because I can't bare the thought if what result it would have on my children and i don't even know how I'd do it but the feeling is strong sometimes. Despite the awful feelings I have about my DD I love her and my son it the light of my life.
I feel so lost and angry and alone.