Sorry if this comes off self pitying or if I truely am just an asshole but I feel like I could really use some gentle words right now.
I'm a mum to an 18 month old, currently 18 weeks pregnant. Always struggled massively with ocd and anxiety which got far worse in pregnancy with DD. Once she was born I managed to get myself back together and started to feel ok.
Today however I just lost it, I can feel those terrifying suicidal feelings creeping back in this evening after what happened.
She's been really difficult today, having tantrum after tantrum no matter what I do. I work long hours four days a week so I can look after her on Thursday and today was our special day off together.
No matter what I did she would keep screaming and kicking me and scratching at me. We went out, went to see my family and made sure she was clean, fed and happy.
This evening though she head butted me by accident and then scratched me in the eye, and I just lost it. I screamed in her face while DH was there who told me to "f* off" and that I'm a horrible mean person to my daughter. I know she doesn't understand and won't remember but it's broke me. Im sat crying in my bathroom upstairs feeling like the world would be better if I just died and he could look after her by himself
I feel awful, I know I'm only going to get bigger and more tired and I feel like I'm just the worst parent to this new baby before it's even been born.
I don't know where to go. I never found the mental health teams were very good last pregnancy and I have very few friends to lean on.