Please help me change perspective

[Notstrongenough]

Have a lot of problems - my mental health has never been great and been on antidepressants for several years which have helped a little but not massively (I tried a number of different ones but switched as either too many extreme side effects or didn’t seem to have any effect. )

My depression levels are triggered by my life circumstances which are pretty shit right now

financially struggling
sit in a cold house mainly as sunk in just how much it costs to heat house
job is a complete shit show and likely to be made redundant in next couple months anyway (not just me - company wide). but in the meantime there’s not a lot that can be progressed which just makes me feel useless even though I know objectively isn’t my fault
job market isn’t great currently
confidence all time low
anxiety all time high - can’t sleep, heart palpitations, chest pain, burning skin
cant really see an improvement to my situation without a miracle
fantasise about having a car accident - when I read about fatal accidents I think why couldn’t that be me instead - the person who died probably had a lot more going for them and wanted to live
I try and think of different options but they all seem so hard. Eg seeing doctor to try another medication - getting to see a gp is so hard and even if I get prescribed something the chances are it won’t make much difference or even make me worse. If I got any worse I think I’d make plans to end it
everything is so depressing around me

i manage to shower most days and get dressed but it’s such an effort. I also can’t switch my mind off worrying all the time and I’m very jumpy

I just want it all to stop :(
please help me change my perspective

Anyone ?

That sounds awful op. I don't blame you for feeling rubbish.

First of all, showering and getting dressed is a win. Despite the huge effort it took, you still did it so don't undermine the strength that you have in reserve and that you still have access to.

Secondly, nothing in your life will change untill you feel well. Or at least are on some sort of self care recovery plan. Put your wellbeing first or alongside other things like looking for a new job.

Try looking on some job websites like indeed etc. They have lots of openings and some are quick applications. The prospect of having interviews or a new place of work to look forward to will give your tired mind a new focus and hopefully more hope.

I hope things improve for you.

Thank you free spirit for taking time to reply
I try to walk 2 -4 miles every day (1-2 walks) as it’s the only thing that makes me feel even slightly better but hard to do when the weather is raining really bad (I can cope with cold as I usually get warmer than I am in house because I’m moving anyway ) I also eat only healthy things even though I don’t feel like eating a lot of the time and don’t feel like cooking either :(
what else should I be including in my self recovery plan ?

Well your doing much better than me! Exercising and eating well is key to good physical health as you already know. My exercise regime consists of walking to the fridge and back at the moment but that's for another thread 🙁

When I'm overwhelmed and mentally exhausted I benefit from spending time alone, with no other distractions, listening to soothing music. I let my whole body and mind do what it wants to do without holding onto it and find that eventually I am calm and think more clearly.

As for finding another perspective. It will help if you can speak with a confidante in real life . Someone you trust. Of course you will get support on here but if possible, seek out some guidance IRL too. It acts as a crutch for a tired mind and gives a new point of view.

You’re doing better than you think and it takes strength to show up for work when you don’t feel well. So try not to be too hard on yourself. Is there something specific that’s made you feel worse recently? Is there anything you’ve stopped doing that would previously have helped you?

As PP said, try some job websites to see what’s out there that you could do. If you feel able, go one step further and start to update your cv. That may make you feel more in control and proactive.

How about taking some annual leave ? Go away for a day or a night? Sometimes a change of scenery helps you get a different perspective.