I just don't think i'll ever have any friends, ever again.

[totalmisfit]

I'm a fairly regular poster but have name changed for obvious reasons. i'm really pretty useless and quite a horrible person. i feel like the part of me which used to enable me to 'put myself out there' and make friends has been eroded over the years, to the point where I have nothing to say to anyone, and i end avoiding some social situations and just being a 'wallflower' in the ones i force myself into.

my daughter is nearly 2 and i know she will model a lot of her behaviour on me as she grows older. What kind of an example can i set her, having absolutely no friends whatsoever? I was a lonely kid at school and i would hate for her to end up bullied and isolated the way i was.

I take her to toddler groups and playgroups quite a few times each week. She really enjoys herself and I feel better for getting out of the house with her but when it comes to the other mothers i tend to smile and thats it. when i do try and start a conversation it falls flat pretty quickly and i realise i have nothing to say which would be of any interest to anyone. As a result i tend to just babble to my daughter, as it's easier than feeling stupid. It does sting when i see all the other mums getting on brilliantly. i just wish i could be like that.

any time i do make a friend they tend to ditch me pretty quickly as i'm obviously pretty repellent. Sorry i will have to post and run and see to dd as she's just woken from her nap.

That is a good idea about having to post what little achievements we have made each week... I suppose it's like Weight Watchers - if you have to get weighed in front of a room full of people (not that I would do that but the principle behind it is there) then it makes you more likely to try harder not to eat those last few Jaffa Cakes in the packet... Unless we end up making up stuff that we have done like "Yes - I joined a theatre group and am now the lead character so will be on stage with 1,000,000 people watchin!"

Today's struggle for me is I really need my hair cut but I moved to this new area (about a year ago I must add so not really that recently) and haven't built up the courage to go to the local salon for a hair cut!!! How sad am I?!? So now I am on maternity leave and before the LO comes along I really should get my constantly stuck in a ponytail, roots to my shoulders hair seen to!!! I had to force myself to leave the house and go to the Post Office on my own yesterday. Once I get out I am usually ok, it is just getting out there and what if I meet someone - ie a neighbour and have to make conversation etc. ARGH!!!! Things "normal" people don't have the first idea about and we are crippled with fear and panic at the thought of meeting someone new....

Thanks for this thread - you make me feel so less alone xx and yes, I bet we would make very good friends if we could just let our little lights shine out there...

angeleyes74 - i know just how you feel - going to the hairdressers always scares me a little as i know they'll say something or other 'oooh isn't your hair fine?' and i'll get paranoid about it. and then you ahve to do all the small talk about holidays and the kids etc...

What i usually do is try to focus on how much better i'll look once it's all over, and how it'll boost my confidence a bit. like you say, its the 'leaving the house bit' thats the hardest. I think back to when i used to be able to converse with people unselfconsciously when bumping into them rather than standning there thinking 'oh god i wish i'd put some makeup on/ washed my hair etc/ how come everyone else is always so 'together'?'

sending good vibes your way, ooh, and when's your LO due?

Crazedupmum - i was wondering about things to suggest so that you don't feel so alone whilst your LO is at school. i can imagine how tough that must be for you as the hours do tend to drag. Is there a local community college nearby running cheap courses in something you might be interested in doing during the day, eg Art and crafts/ Languages etc? i know it'd be bloody tough to start with as these situations raise all our insecurities...

Took dd to M&T again this morning...argh! horrible place! i just feel so different from everyone else, for instance dd sat down at the sticking and glueing table where there were some other mums with there kids and i started saying to her 'Right, x shall we get some glue... and look we can use this glitter...' I looked up and they were all staring at me.
And then when it was time to leave this woman pushed out the door in front of dd and started on about having '3 kids to look after' as if the more kids you have the more pushing in front of people you're allowed to do . Didn't really talk to anyone apart from the vicar who works at the church the group is run at, ho hum...

I feel exactly the same and always wonder how other mums get to know each other - everyone seems to know everyone already and if you try and make conversation they stare at you like you are invading their secret sect!
I took my little boy to baby swimming today in the vain hope i might make a friend but they again all seemed to know each other and then my little horror started screaming and hated the whole ordeal and they all stared at me like i was deranged so feel a complete failure! He is very unsettled so guess it doesn't help make friend as i am normally stressed out trying to pacify him but that is what i really need someone to talk to!!
I don't do the mum and toddler group thing anymore as again it seemed everyone was in there own little clicks not welcome to newbies or maybe i am just a complete nightmare- i do try hard to be smiley and make conversation but ...............
Support here sounds good though if you don't mind me joining in!
Thanks

It's just about getting back into the swing of things so what about some practice here?
The situation: I am sitting here with my dd at playgroup, it is a wednesday, it is sunny, what do you say to me?
I will reply and then you can think how to continue the convo...

ok scatterbrain how about 'Hi!'

Scattercushion, i mean, not scatterbrain! sorry!

wish I'd had this when I was aarrghing at playgroups

you all seem so nice and funny

i can't believe your problems will last.....!!!!

thanks stuffitall, you really made me smile

Hi, I am another one who finds it really hard to make new friends. In a way, it is conforting to know that there are alot of us out there!

Playgroups are definately difficult, aren't they. The first one I went to I was supposed to meet someone there I had been 'chatting' to on the internet, but she didn't turn up, and no one else spoke to me. It was so horrible, I didn't know what to do with myself! It was only right at the end as I was about to leave that one of the other mothers started chatting to me.

I still go to some playgroups (but not that one!) but usually try to arrange to go with someone. I have been trying to make an effort to chat with other mums there, even though I blush and feel really awkward. The more you go the more people recognise you and are more likely to start up a conversation....

Did i read that you are in London totalmisfit? Me too, I know it's a big place but whereabouts are you (just on the offchance we aren't far apart!)

xx

I just wanted to say that I know how you all feel.
Making friends when being a Mum is so hard. You feel like everyone is already friends and chatting and there is no room for you to fit in.

I tried some toddler groups but didn't enjoy them at all.
DD got bored and threw a paddy a couple of times and I was so embrassed when everyone was staring at me!
Started Gymtots last September and from the first week really enjoyed it. DD loves it! It is quite structured and you are doing an activity or piece of equipment together and move round the room, so there isn't much time to chat apart from before and afterwards. So I found it a good thing to go to if you find it hard to chat to people like I do. Eventually after a few weeks of going, as others have said, people get to know your face etc. I havn't made any friends through it yet but it is something to get you out of the house and I found it a pain free experience.

To totalmisfit. You are doing a brilliant, motivated and brave thing ALREADY by getting out 2 or 3 times a week to a playgroup purely for the benefit of your daughter!! I could not do that 5 years ago with my son, I went to one and never went back! Now he is having social issues at school, not mixing properly etc, (he is also showing mild autistic traits) and I feel responsible although I have been told this is nothing to do with me. Anyway the point is you are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter which makes you a very good person. Don't be so hard on yourself. SO WHAT if the others all seem to be getting on - they probably all have their own issues to deal with and are putting on a front! Keep doing exactly what you are doing - you are not a bad/repellant/stupid person, sounds more to me like you are a very good mum.

carrie -glad that you have found a way through this, you should give yourself a big pat on the back. we go to something similar. like you say it's one of the ones where you have to run after them and watch them every second so it's hard to chat. the people i think i might eventually get to know and get along with seem to keep disappearing. oh well.

george -so sorry to hear what you and your son are going through. You must never blame yourself for this as you sound a fantastic mum. thank you for your kind words.

KaybeeandZac - i'm the the east end, whereabouts are you based?

We're in Woodford Green, so Essex really

Hi
Totalmisfit

Yes I have thought about trying to get into something in the day while my DS is at school.
What I hate so much is having to go on my own, the thought of walking into somewhere and not knowing a soul worries me.
The hardest thing also is when others are already there with their friends.

The hardest thing in all of this for me is the fact that I don,t have any mum friends for the sake of my DS.

I feel awful when it comes to the school holidays as my DS is stuck with me every day. It shouldn't be like that for a 7 year old should it, stuck with his mom all through the school holidays.

I see loads of things going on for children in the school holidays that I would like to take my DS to, but when I get there and he is the only one on his own and all the other moms are with other moms and their children it depresses me.

I also think my DS senses this also that he is on his own.

I wish I had of realised when I used to attend toddler groups that there was others feeling like me, I would have looked out for them and maybe tried to chat to them.

At the time I thought it was just me.
Its only since coming on here that I have realised that others are going through the same.