Can't do it

[purpleme12]

My mum actually told my child I'm nasty and horrible.
I'm doing all the by myself. Living. Bringing up my child. e
I can't discuss her with my ex cos he hates me.
I have no idea anymore if I'm any kind of good mum.
My mum always think I'm doing everything wrong. Always has done.
I'm desperate to be loved.
I know she's always thought I'm a nasty cow.
She's ok for practical stuff, looks after my child, sometimes given money and stuff but I am so hurt by her all the time. But she always says it's me. Sees me as the difficult one. I will always be the difficult one. And more than that.
She undermines me with my child
And thinks I'm doing that wrong.
She said 'im sorry you got upset' on boxing day. Not I'm sorry for upsetting you. Then told my child today I'm nasty and horrible. So she's not sorry.
Nothing is ever addressed.
But it obviously must be me.
I don't want energy anymore. I don't even know if I'm being a good mum anymore.
I must be horrible

I see the faces she makes and her eye rolls at me.
I'm never as good as my sister.
I react and I'm the bad one.
She doesn't have any warmth to me. I always needed someone to love me. Actually love me. Love me for me.

I don't think I'm really a nasty person surely I can't be nasty. But I'm the bad one.
I'm the bad one. No one sees how I feel

I have kept calm when my child had meltdowns.
I cuddled her and sang to her when she's 9.
But now I'm really starting to doubt myself and think I must be messing her up.
I can't stop crying

You are not horrible. You are a victim of a damaged mother, and she was most likely damaged by her own mother, and so on back through time.

It's your responsibility to break the generational cycle of abuse and you're doing great - please believe me, you really are.

If you want to feel sorry for you mother then do so but please don't give her any more oxygen in your life and that of your daughter - it's not your fault she's the way she is but equally she's not your responsibility and you do NOT have to fix her.

Give your daughter an extra big cuddle tonight.

She told my child that if she kept getting in 'states' we might not be able to have family days.
It's disgusting. My child gets wound up and needs help calming down and love, not confrontation. And yet if my mum had her way we'd ignore her behaviour full stop and not pull her up on anything and yet things it's an acceptable thing to say we won't have family days if she keeps getting in these states.

Your mums a dickhead. You sound like a lovely mum and shit mums don’t worry about whether they are good enough. They just don’t care.
Do you have any friends you can talk to? I bet they see what a good mum you are.
your relationship with your mother isn’t doing you any good. Seriously consider going no or low contact.
💐to you OP. Don’t doubt yourself.

Please consider going low, or no, contact with her - at least until you feel strong enough to stand up to her. She's not helping you and she is damaging your relationship with your daughter. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO DO IT.

If you need help in taking the action you need to stop this, MN is here to help you.

This is the lowest I've ever felt.
Well, in relation to issues connected to her.
I feel heavy. I'm so tired. Mentally.i feel like I'm ploughing through.
They looked/look after my child on one day in the holidays when I work. Maybe it really is time to think about other options.

I feel so alone and apart.